Please write funny jokes here! :-)?

Question

I really need some new matierial. . .

please no crude or sexual jokes!

Answer 1

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married...

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls".

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., a bit worse for wear, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight".

He didn't seem concerned at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh sh*t.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, Cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."


During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the director, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"

Answer 2

a million) Why do bees have sticky hair? because they use honeycombs! 2) what's brown and sticky? A stick! 3) Why replaced into the guy operating in circles round his mattress? He wanted to compensate for his sleep! 4) What did 0 say to eight? effective belt! 5) Why did 0.5 the fowl bypass the line? To get to his different aspect! 6) the position does the king save his armies? In his sleevies! 7) 2 fish are in a tank. the first one says to the different, "did you understand a thanks to emphasize this element?" 8) 26 adult men are on the boardwalk. One falls off. what number are left? 19, because I stated "20 ill adult men" no longer 26 adult men 9) 2 cakes are in an oven. Muffin a million: it really is getting warm in right here! Muffin 2: Ahh! A speaking muffin!

Answer 3

What type of meat does the Pope eat? Nun

What is the difference between Joan Collins and the Titanic? Only fifteen hundred went down on the titanic.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs, who hangs on the wall? Art

What do you call a man with no arms or legs, who sits on your front porch? Matt

Answer 4

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man
seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to
the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The
judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, Well your Honour, it was like this: When the lady got
on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat under a
sweets sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are Coming” and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “ Logan’s Liniment will
reduce the swelling”, and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under
a deodorant sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick”, and I
could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honour, when she moved the fourth
time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have
prevented this Accident”...I just lost it.



“ CASE DISMISSED!!”







Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,

Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.


But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.

“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”







Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too - and be sure the glass is clean!"
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"







Three couples are dining together.
The American husband says to his wife: "Pass me the honey, Honey".
The English husband says to his wife: "Pass me the sugar, Sugar".
The [you name it] husband says to his wife: "Pass me the steak, Dumb cow".

Answer 5

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, humor, stimulate, stroke, console, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch,entertain,sacrifice for, charm, fascinate, attend, trust, grovel, defend, coax, brag about, understand, clothe, respect, entertain, kill for, commit, snuggle, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize, worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.


HOW TO SATISFY A MAN

Show up naked ..... and bring beer.

Answer 6

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pot?

Stew

Answer 7

two fish swim into a concrete wall, one turns to the other and says 'damn'

Answer 8

two guys walked into a bar... the third guy ducked.

Answer 9

http://greatjokes.50webs.com/ here you can find a lot of good jokes,

Answer 10

Ask someone do they like duck meat.

if yes say.............Duck down and suck this meat.lol