Please help A SINGLE MOM- my life & kids making me crazy w/ stress & depressed about 25 lbs overweight?

Question

help, my life is not my own anymore. it's still the start of summer vacation and already, i am hollering a lot. i hate it, i don't like being this way but have to remind my kids ages 10 and 8 constantly to pick up , clean their mess, brush their teeth, stop fighting, turn down the tv, get your stuff out of the car, etc.............etc......etc..... it makes me feel like crap to be this gripey, makes me feel bad about myself because it's not the perosn i want to be. makes me feel bad for my kids because i want to be a better mom, one that gives them happy memories. i have even got onto them bad/ hollering when they have a cousin over visiting. i know that's not good, i feel like i am going nuts today. i am sick if cleaning up this house and all the laundry, dishes, etc.... they are busy and involved in swimming and summer school, and art and music lessons and we are going to take a nice trip later this summer as well. by the way, i am a single mom, age 42.

i go to the gym about 5 times a week and do a cardio workout and weights. i've been going for a year (except took off about 3 months due to hurricane rita here on the gulf coast, to evacuate and fix my house, plus going to college full time) so i do try to take time to do something for myself and relieve some stress with exercise. just feeling unhappy today. thank you all for your answers.

Answer 1

Be more firm with them. Discipline them well or they will be too overwhelming to handle.

Answer 2

Mom,
First know that no mom is perfect, there is no such thing. Everyone has to learn it on their own and there is no rule book or instruction guide. Here's a couple possible recommendations:
1) To ease up on dishes, use paper plates, plastic cups and plastic silverware at least one night per week. That's one night that most of the dishes go out in the trash and there's no washing. Call it Picnic night.
2) Age ages 8 and 10, your children are more than capable of taking on chores like the dishes and laundry. Make a list and post it, don't tell them, [they'd probably forget]. When the chore is done, it's crossed off. Completed chores earns rewards (extra TV, special meal , etc.) Chores not done lose priveledges. Every night glance over the list and put a smiley face beside the ones that are done and write, "thanks, Mom". Don't be afraid to let the list grow, you'll be able to notice what they can and cannot handle.
3) Call up your kids' friends parents and offer to sponsor a reciprocal sleep over., your house first. When they reciprocate, that would get you off at least one weekend night to get some extra "me" time.
4) Life is busy, but you don't always have to take the shortest way home. Drive throught the park, or past some old architecture or a theater. Take a few minutes to concentrate on that instead of what comes next. It helps.
5) Learn to live with a little dirt. Your house doesn't need to be always clean unless there's medical problem in the family (like asthma). If it really starts to bother you, spend one evening cleaning. Otherwise try not to spend more than an hour a day, 30 minutes would be better... maybe while the kids are washing the dishes.
6) Add some humor to your life. Pick up a Erma Bombeck book at the used book store, or how about " My Journey Towards Perfection" ( the basis of the TV series Please Don't Eat the Daisies).
When the stress level goes down, those extra pounds should too.

Answer 3

I so totally understand where your coming from. Was a single mom of three for many years, and often felt just as you described. I hated the person I felt I had to be in order to keep things going in the right direction. What I've learned since my kids have grown up and I now watch them with their kids, is that a lot of the things that I thought were so important at the time are really not all that crucial. Number one, when you feel yourself getting to the point where you are feeling out of control and frustrated to the point of yelling, take a breather and remind yourself that what ever it is they are doing or not doing at that point is not a crucial or life threatening event. Calm yourself and start over. Give them a goal to work towards...as soon as your rooms are cleaned we can go get some ice cream. Kids will often times respond better to you if you remain calm. They have an uncanny knack for tuning you out once your volume goes up. Also, try to make it more of a team rather than you against them. If they feel more like they are contributing in a joint effort rather than being bossed, they will sometimes be more willing to do as you wish.
I don't think there is any job tougher than being a single parent. I hope that some of my suggestions will be of some help. Good Luck.

Answer 4

The first thing you need to do is stop being so hard on yourself. No one is perfect. Your house doesn't need to be perfect either. I know, I'm a single mama of two kids and my house...well, I question the point of ever cleaning it, because they kill it in minutes.

When you feel that urge to scream at them, just walk away. I have jumped in the car and driven a couple blocks away for a little while when I thought my head would explode!

First thing you need to do is spend some mama time, whether this means going to a movie (Yes, by yourself, I do it all the time), taking a walk when they are in bed (morning or evening), taking a hot bath, or even just reading before bedtime. But do something for yourself every day. (just don't reward yourself with food)

One big vacation doesn't do it, you need to treat yourself nice everyday and remind yourself of your own strengths.
You need to reclaim yourself. the kids have sucked the marrow from your bones and you need your batteries recharged!

If you find that you can't do what you are supposed to, and find yourself unable to get out of bed, then, that may be a job for Zoloft, which you can get from your doctor. (No joke, it could make all the difference.)

Answer 5

I am a single mom too. I have 3 girls ages 15, 12 and 9 and I am 39 (and also overweight). You have to find somebody to help you. Even if it is just somebody to watch the kids while you go to Starbucks and read a book and sip coffee for a couple of hours. You have to find a way to recharge your batteries. Then you need to sit down with your kids and explain to them that they are members of the family too and they have to pull their own weight. You can't do it alone, everybody needs help. Also, remember that your house doesn't have to be perfect. Sometimes the laundry or the dishes can wait until after you play a game of Sorry or Clue or something. The good and bad have to balance out for everybody, even you.

Answer 6

Oh girl, I'm a single mom too.. it's not easy!

We all have those days. Trust me.

Is there anyone you can get to watch your kids for an hour or two? During that time, go do something for yourself! Get a pedi, go to the gym, something that is purely selfish that YOU want to do.

When you come back, things won't look as bad. Being a mother is a selfless job. You have to remember to stop and put yourself first every once in a while...foryour own sanity!!

Answer 7

I've been feeling this way, too. I have 2 kids with a considerable age difference and the older one has ADHD. I am not single but I do often feel overwhelmed and uninterested. So, I finally decided that I want to be a better mom and now I go to a therapist every other week. I haven't been going long so I don't see that it is helping yet but I do feel good just knowing that I've taken action.

Answer 8

I also know how you feel and yell at my kids way too much. I am also sick of the mess and the noise. I just walk away when I get pissed. I let the kids just fight it out and go outside and listen to music or something so I cant hear them and come back in after while just to be sure nothing is broken and no one is hurt. most of the time they can work it out on their own.

As far as the mess goes I just use laundry baskets and gather up all their junk they left all over and dump it in their rooms and shut the door.

It is hard to be a parent I know. Just take deep breaths enjoy time away from them, take a long bubble bath, lock yourself in your room and try to relax.

Answer 9

I would try to find time at least 30 mins a day to go outside and walk. Have a neighbor watch the kids or whatever. I found that walking/jogging/etc. is a huge stress buster and releases tension. It will also help you get into shape. If all else fails, contact a local family counselor and they'll be able to help with any kind of family problem or issue.

Answer 10

One thing you can do to calm yourself down, is exercise. It is a stress reducer. If you get up before your kids do, and go walking briskly down the road for about 30 min, you will feel so much better and able to handle the day. You could also take a vacation by yourself while this kids are with grandma or a friend. They would both help.

Answer 11

Continue to be firm with them, but try to do away with the yelling and screaming. Talk to them and stay involved in what they are doing as much as you can. You may not realize it but the time you spend with them at this point in their life is most important. Children will usually respond well to a disciplined structure in their lives so make a plan and try to establish a routine way of doing what needs to be done to keep their life on an even keel and your life will be more rewarding to you also. I know this can be difficult because you are raising them alone but remember they are depending on you and you must be strong. It will reap big dividends later on in your life especially if you maintain a close relationship with them. I have observed the remarkable way in which my wife of 30 plus years has maintained a close relationship with both of our daughters even thru the difficult times. And because of this they are the best of friends now and continue to be, it was very difficult at one point with both of the daughters because kids are going to do things sometimes that could drive you crazy if you let it but stay strong and it'll get better.