how can i help my 10 yr old son better cope with his dads murder?He says he's fine,his counslor & I disagree.

Question

My boy says that he's fine and has come to terms with my mans death,but his grades went from straight a's to c's abd 1 or 2 b's and he's been exihibiting some violent tendencies.Like getting into fights with his best friend and just getting very angry,very easily.That's not like him at all.He tries to be tough for mom even though i tell him that he doesn't need to be,that in fact it would be more helpful to me if he'd sit and talk to me about it and even cry with me.But he's dead set on "men don't cry"and that now that the man of the family is gone,he needs to take his place.His counslor & I've both told him thast's not so,but he just won't give in to the saddness and loss that I know he's got to be feeling.Does anyone out there have any ideas how I should handle this??

Answer 1

Keep working with his counsellor, but don't force your son to go. If things get really REALLY bad, then it might time for some "tough love" (ie counselling whether he likes it or not). Your son must grieve in his own way, on his own time. It's hard enough to lose a parent, even harder to have one taken away. You're doing a great job, though, keep it up. You will get through this as a family. Things will never go back to normal, but you need to find a new normal.

Answer 2

Some good ideas were already posted. Another thing - he's already in therapy but does he know any other kids who are experiencing the same kind of loss. Find out from his therapist if there are any support groups for him. You might also want to find one for you, too. You can get a lot of advice and comfort from other moms who have to deal with their own loss while also guiding their children through it.

Answer 3

Kids deal with emotions in many different ways. I can see why he wouldn't want to cry, he probably feels that now that his father is gone that he is now the man of the house. I think you should sit him down and explain to him that his dad wouldn't want him to be the man of the house--he would want him to just be a kid. Let him know that you know what he's going through, and that you will be there for him whether he wants to talk about it or not.

Answer 4

And realize that he lost one parent and he is doing what he thinks he needs to, to prevent him from losing his mom. A little space for him too! and not so much pressure. You nor the counselor can force him to talk about it. He will talk when he's ready just make sure he knows your there to talk to.

Answer 5

give him a little space but keep constant interaction with him simple walks,games, going out to eat, parks but don't smother him just act like you are going to go anyway but thought maybe he'd like to go play on the swing with his friend or friends while you walk the track, something of that nature. eventually while walking with him he'll open up and just listen.

Answer 6

The more you try to pry the worse it will get. Let him cope with it in his own time, in his own way. Everyone copes with grief differently.

Answer 7

show you child that even though his father is gone you are thier and you still love him nomatter what happens.p.s. keep a close eye on him,he may not be having such good thoughts.

Answer 8

You should wait for him to talk to you about it, and stop bringing it up. People have to deal with tradgedies in their own way and in their own time.

Answer 9

i think that maybe you should try to talk to him because he is obviouly feeling a lot of hurt right now. it kind of sounds like he blames himself and let him know its ok to show what he is feeling try to talk and tell him that everything is gonna be ok