What is wrong with me?

Question

My whole life (29 years long) I have pushed people away when they get too close . . . whenever I start to care too much. For example, I'll have a thing for someone and as long as he's unatainable and just a nice idea, I'm completely enamored. I've had crushes that felt like love. But the moment the feeling becomes mutual, I get scared or the feelings will immediately dissipate. Worse, I usually intensly dislike the person I used to revere. I've only had two serious relationships, for the most part I'm just content to have a fantasy relationship. I know this must mean I have intimacy issues, but I don't understand where they came from and why I'm always so much happier with the idea of something than the reality. Please help. I am post tramatic stress, but haven't gone to therapy since I was diagnosed. I believe I may have some kind of attachment disorder or separation anxiety. I don't know . . .

Answer 1

You are a woman

Answer 2

You have internal, hidden issues that you haven't been able to address, handle and accept yet. You say that you are (suffering from ) post traumatic stress, and it affects your relationships, but have you truly realized what it is from?

Very likely it is from being abused or raped by someone that you trusted or loved when you were younger.
The attachment disorder is a result of removing yourself mentally, consciously and purposely from the scene while the abuse or rape was being conducted--either by 'forgetting it' by burying it in your subconscious, or hiding it--knowingly, and not admitting that it was a fact in your life ---- to protect your own sanity and perhaps even to protect the identity of the abuser or rapist.

You are not alone in this, there are many people that suffer from attachment disorders, and the condition that they are afraid to become too close to anyone suggests that they distrust, and to 'stay safe' and protect themselves, they often do end up pushing the person away, and 'disliking' the person, as you have noted. It is easier to 'push people away' and terminate relationships than it is to HANDLE it subconsciously.

You really need to allow yourself to know that no matter what happened, you are a good person even if something like this DID happen to you. Whoever was involved is also relevant, but it is something you must remember and face.
It was not your fault, but if you contributed to the problem, you merely made bad choices at that time. You need to remember what happened and admit that it did happen, and that it made you unhappy.

When you DO face the trauma, and learn why you were traumatized, and by whom, you shall be fine. It will not be easy, but you will begin by understanding yourself better. When you understand yourself better, you will no longer fear connective relationships. Have faith in your own strength and understanding.
Good luck with that.

Answer 3

Sometimes, it is easier to enjoy a predictable romance in our heads than it is to struggle with the day to day difficulties presented by a real-life relationship. I am not a therapist, and i don't suppose to know know the implications of your PTSD diagnosis. However, the fact that you have not been to therapy since discovering this diagnosis seems very telling to me.
It would appear that you might be desperately in need of something stable in your life, and the distance you keep from people (as well as your dislike of people that you you once revered) seems to be a self-defense. However, I am guessing that this behavior of yours does not spring from a single cause but more likely from a number of things that have have deflected your normal psychological development.
As you are almost 30, it is time for you to start taking your life seriously and get into that therapy. And take it seriously. You know something is causing you problems, so make the effort to trust your therapist (or group) to help you find out what they are. Do not rely upon yourself to do so, because most people cannot see the shape of the forest when they are in the forest themselves.

Answer 4

I have two teenagers with attachment disorder. This does sound like what they deal with. I'd suggest a therapist with expertise in attachment disorders. If you can't find one specifically with that specialty, look for one that works with a lot of foster and adopted children, because that's the largest group of people who have attachment issues. Both of my boys have PTSD; it seems to go hand in hand with attachment.

It also helps to have good friends. You might have trouble making good friends in person, but one of my teens gets around this by having a couple good friends at church, that he only ever really talks with online. Hiding behind a computer makes him feel safer, and the fact that they're people I know makes me feel comfortable with the whole arrangement.

Check out this place: http://soulofadoption.com/forum/index.php
There's a lot of people there with expert and real-world experience with PTSD, attachment, separation anxiety, and stuff. You don't have to be adopted, or anything, to be accepted and get some answers and information.

Answer 5

search your soul - is there really something wrong - or are you just afraid - afraid of the commitment it takes to be in a relationship. So afraid you will do anything to ruin that budding relationship. sometimes we are so unsure of ourselves that we try to find wild reasons why something doesn't work out - face your fears - ADMIT that you are afraid - break down and have a good cry about it - tell someone you are so scared that you may hate them before it is all over. I dated a girl like this once - as soon as we started dating she became hateful. One night I made her talk - to tell me what was wrong - got her to admit that she was scared to death of having a relationship that might lead to a commitment. We ended up dating for several months but she never really overcame her fears completely - but she at least now admits that is her problem and continues to work on it - good luck - hollar if you need an ear - or a shoulder

Answer 6

Well it seems your issue is going to be better answerd on a website thats dedicated to issues like this, Your best bet would be to find a decent site and make an anonoymous name and post on there forums, So you can get responses and add more answers...Nobody can tell you whats wrong with just 1 paragraph, they have to be able conversate with you... And have you tried some anti anxiety / depression meds? there are some very good mild forms now days that just might help. Not saying that you are a loony, but i have tried zoloft and lexapro myself, and i just have anxiety, but they have done wonders for me.....But you should go back to a doctor and talk to him, thats the only true way to get your situation handled

Answer 7

Im a guy and I struggle with the exact same issue. Im not really interested in relationships, but sometimes thinkng about it is nice. Some people are designed to be single. Non-sexual isnt the right term, but its the first one that comes to mind. Maybe a good solid friendship is the ideal relationship for you, rather than an intimate, physical one.

Answer 8

You had some sort of bad experience with your parents in childhood. You experienced some pretty bad abuse, either emotional, verbal, or physical, from someone who was supposed to love you.
You can't get over your problem with intimacy until you figure out exactly what happened to you in childhood that was so traumatic for you.

You have to think long and hard about your childhood and what your relationship with your parents was like. They taught you with their actions that you will be cruely hurt by anyone you love and therefore you can't help but avoid people who might draw you into an intimate loving relationship. Your supconcious is protecting you from that unbearable pain it knows will be coming.
Figure out what happened in childhood, think about it and think about it and think about it some more.
You will have to deliberatly IGNORE the feeling that you want to end the relationship the next time your love it returned and force yourself to do the opposite of what you usually do and see what happens. Do it always thinking about the abusive situation in your childhood with the intention of overcoming and defeating it.
I have been working on my own similar issues my entire adult life.

Answer 9

You sound a lot like me, except for the fantasies. I don't even entertain those. It does sound as though therapy is in order, especially in light of the ptsd. Maybe you've been hurt so badly that you no longer trust anyone. Sometimes we sacrifice joy for safety. I know that I do. Good luck to you and God bless...

Answer 10

There's nothing wrong with you. I don't understand why people think they MUST be in a relationship. Perhaps your distance has been your heart telling you that those people were not the right ones for you. Also, I have had strong feelings for someone, then when they were returned, decided that I just couldn't stand them anymore... I am happily married now, so be patient...

Answer 11

Sometimes the brain uses feelings to try to tell us something may be wrong in the body. Sometimes what is wrong is a blood sugar imbalance. Have you been tested for routine health problems, like high cholesterol, etc? If your doctor checks you for routine stuff and comes up negative, ask him/her to check your insulin level. If it is off, it can cause the aforementioned blood sugar imbalance, which can cause other hormonal problems, which might be the deep and cause of some of your relationship problems.