ok so i recently saw that my boyfriend has been going online and talking to girls...not just regular chatting, like telling them that he sexually wants them, and he has been doing it since day 1. We live together, and have been together for like a 1 1/2 years, not a long time but enough to know that I love him and I want to be with him. We have talked about marriage and having kids and hes way more into our future than I am. But I cant get over the fact that he was doing this. When we were talking about it he just said "well ive been doing this way before we were even together so i never thought anything of it." I just cant get over that he was doing it. I feel like hes been cheating on me, i know he hasnt physically done anything but emotional he has. He has scared me deep and i dont know how to forgive him? Am i ever going to get over it? i dont trust him on the computer? i dont know if hes lying to me? I am so confused? someone please help!!!
2006-06-15 11:23:13 · 19 answers · asked by fudgema2 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
I wouldn't be planning a future with this guy at all. He's immature, irresponsible, and definitely not committed to you. Often online sex leads to even far worse ...most likely, real time cheating.
Wow don't you think you deserve better than this?
Good luck P.S.Yes he's lying.
2006-06-15 11:28:17 · answer #1 · answered by tula_p 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hello, Geeze my heart goes out to you. This is a difficult situation...and you need to act to solve it once way or the other or it will eat you alive. You are already suffering, I'm sure
One of the elements of a lasting relationship is TRUST, and he has broke that trust. You can treat this as monumental, or you can treat it as a stump in the road you need to deal with. It's your decision. I'm guessing because you didn't run away immediately, you're looking for answers.
Yes, He deffinately cheated on you. Cheating is giving someone else what he should be giving to you, and that is his time, and his sexual energy.
It is evident that this man is a liar. He's lying to someone, and there is a good chance he's lying to everyone.
So, unless you're wearing a big REAL diamond on your left hand, I wouldn't be too encouraged about his "marriage" talk of a future together.
Now, if you want to get this man to where you don't need to worry about trusting him, then you need to lay down some laws and get his respect. You need to tell him straight up, that you will concede that TO HIM this online thing is no big deal, but that the relationship has TWO people in it, and that your feelings are VALID and IMPORTANT...so he'll have to stop the online BS...and while he's at it, he can stop the oogling other women when he's with you...He'll object, and then you just tell him, that it is DISRESPECTFUL, RUDE AND HURTFUL to you.
And that you will not tolerate it, period.
Tell him to take his profile off the sites, and block the advertisements.
Another thing some women do, which is chancy, is to tellhim if he does not stop, then you might start. Then, without doing anything wrong, not one thing wrong, start being mysterious.
When he comes in the room, hang up the phone quickly, or shut down your computer winodw quickly, and go out for walks carrying your cell phone, and other short trips. Do something new with you time for short periods and DO be mysterious, just to worry him a tad. (Always keep it above board though, and be truthful).
Even if he objects again, just watch his actions in the coming weeks,and see if he stops.
You or your other gal-friend can go online and check on his online activity. Don't tempt him, that's not fair. But look at the dates he's visiting the sites.
If he continues after a couple of weeks of living with the new you, then you need to strongly consider that this man has an obsession, that IS cheating your heart.
Will you continue to live with a man that does that once you've said "No" to it?
You know it will never feel good. If you honestly respect yourself, and stick up for yourself, then you will always make the right decision for you.
Take good care of YOUR heart.
stw
2006-06-15 19:10:17 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ever noticed that the same action can be taken in so many different ways because of the intent? I mean even something like going to a prostitute (and I'm talking about singles here) a guy that goes because he is just desperate to get laid is a bit of a perv. But then Brad Pit who could probably have any woman he wants still gets with a hooker because its just less hassle and no hearts need get broken. I know it's a bad example but it's a fair point if you think about it.
Similarly cyber sex was just something he's always done, it seems as just a bit of a laugh. Instead of seriously doing it for any sort of sexual gratification. I mean what if he went to strip shows? It's hardly cheating it's just a bit of fun. I think any stable relationship could understand the partner doing so. Same as cyber sex in this case just a laugh that he's always done, because there were no real actual emotions or feelings involved when in a relationship it just simply didn't occur that such a harmless hobby was in any way unfaithful.
You see in such an action it is the intention that matters. As they say ignorance is bliss. To be honest I think you over reacted... don't get me wrong I don't think you were wrong to think what you did. But I just think that females see such actions in a different light to men.
Another common and similar problem is flirting with other people during a relationship, and I know girls are just as guilty as men in this. It is JUST a bit of fun and there is never any intention to cheat. I say again a stable relationship should be able to cope with casual flirtation.
The Internet always just FEELS more seedy because it is hidden away, quiet and faceless, and a bi product of this is that flirting is much more intense because otherwise it just isn't fun.
But I think in this case it is not right to take any emotional scaring because it is just a game that did not occur to him would be harmful. You've made it very clear that you don't want him doing so, and make sure you make it clear.
If he then understands and accepts how you feel about it, and continues doing it then it's more of an obsession and you have a right to be worried. But otherwise really I promise you it is nothing serious, and you should relax Little. Just because it is serious for you, if it's completely trivial to him, then he wasn't committing a serious act. Just a thoughtless one. Talk to him and don't let something that he simply did not think about jeopardize your future please. I don't know if I made my self clear it's quite late but please message me if you want me to make it clearer.
This is simply a question of learning about each other not a serious problem to jeopardize your love. You can almost see it as a cultural misunderstanding if that makes any sense.
2006-06-15 18:56:19 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
if i was in your position i would not stay with a guy like that. I know the thought hurts but i mean if he didn't think anything of cheating on you by talking to other girls on the computer, do you think he wont eventually get bored of that and cheat on you with another woman in person? Then he will really scar you. I say if you can't trust him leave him, he doesn't deserve you if he can't be committed to you.
2006-06-15 18:28:47 · answer #4 · answered by dogluver8906 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to talk to him to let him know how you feel and how his actions affect you. He needs to know that what he's doing isn't acceptable when you are in a committed relationship and living with the person. You both need to communicate with eachother about how you are feeling. This type of activity is addictive and he obviously needs the attention - so he may have trouble stopping it. But see if he can stop - if he can't, you need to get into counseling. Couples counseling would be a good way for both of you to deal with the issues in your relationship and make it stronger.
2006-06-15 18:28:43 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Some men get their jollies in different ways, be lucky that hes only talking dirty to the computer screen and not in person. He doesn't want to cheat on your, otherwise he would have already. He's just excited by these little interludes online. Some men watch porn, read sexual stories, buy playboy... yours just happens to like his computer porn to talk back. Think of it as one of those sex talk lines. You can't really stop him, he'll do it anyways... if you can't deal with it, you might want to think of how to go on without him.
2006-06-15 18:30:36 · answer #6 · answered by visionssofaraway 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you truly believe that you love him then find a way to work this out. Let him know it bothers you a lot and dont give him ultimadums as they will not resolve your problem and may cause your relationship to end.
2006-06-15 18:30:29 · answer #7 · answered by jill1rocks 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I've lived with this for four years, he busted one computer in pieces and has shut others off saying he doesn't need them. Truth is, he is always back on it chattin with other women, he will never change, don't waste your time like I did.
2006-06-15 19:09:21 · answer #8 · answered by wonderin 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it is a way of cheating these days. it feels like hes not satisfied with what he has. not saying yr not doing yr part. you may love him alot but sounds like he dosnt hold you in the same favour.
2006-06-15 18:27:42 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
i think in some way emotional cheating is worse
you obviously don't trust him and i don't blame you, dump him, there are better guys out there
2006-06-15 18:30:02 · answer #10 · answered by Jan 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋