Why is it that most men, not all feel that fatherhood both emotionally and financially is optional?

Question

As a single mother I am constantly baffled by the number of young men and those who are supposedly more mature who are not involved in their kids lives. Most mothers would prefer that you spend constructive and nurturing time with the kids than give them the tiny sum the court awards. Most men get so upset with what they think the mother is doing with the money that they forget it is possible to take care of your kids from the start to avoid the anger that child support brings. Buy your kids clothes and personal items yourself and you won't need to worry about where your money goes because the receipt is in your pocket. I'm also tired of the lame argument that you didn't ask to be a father. You made that decision yourself when you laid down with no protection. Just because you were both irresponsible then don't make the child pay for it

Thaks for your responses, however I need to add that first and foremost my message of responsibility applies to both men and women and that if you both do the crime you must both do the time. Also my situation isn't this grim anymore, my ex-husband and I have a very amicable agreement

Answer 1

As a married man (going on 1 year in two weeks) I am baffled by this as well. My wife and I have had 2 miscarriages (albeit 1 when we were just dating) and my brother is currently in jail and has a 1 1/2 year old son and a wife..... and a girlfriend (need I say more?)

I feel very sympathetic toward single mothers to an extent. I will make no excuses for dead-beat dads. They are worthless, selfish, lame, and pretty much NOT MEN. There is no excuse for you to not take responsibility for your actions, NONE.

With that being said, there are still TWO people involved here. A woman has the right to say 'No'. A woman has the right to demand protection.

There is no reason to be a "Donor" instead of a dad, but it takes two to make a baby. If you are un-wed, young, or not wanting to be pregnant take the necessary steps. You make the decision that you can accept the consequences of your actions after you've consented to sex.

Every time you have sex you are basically saying "Regardless of the outcome; STD's, Pregnancy, Emotional Distress, Single-Parenthood, I am willing to accept these consequences as my own."

It's just the way it works. The rules are if you want to have sex, you have to be willing to bite the bullet if something happens. That is no one's responsibility but your own.

BTW, I am in no way, shape, or form condoning what he is doing. Nor am I condemning you for your actions. Everyone lives and learns. I (as stated above) made those same decisions and I have to live with them every day. I knew that going into it and I accepted it.


****EDIT FOR ADDITIONAL COMMENTS****

I sincerely hope that I was in no way offensive. I'm no one to judge someone else's lifestyle, and I'm glad you and your ex have worked it out. So many times we get so mad at the others for not being responsible that we neglect the things needing attention (the child in this case).

Anyways, good for you! Hope it continues to go well...

Answer 2

I understand, but that depends on the value that they were brought up with and the importance that these father's parents taught them. It usually becomes a tradition to be a beat up dad, I mean, we as women, when we get involved with these men, we need to check certain things, such as, does he have other children and if so, how does he treat them and how involved is he in their life, what is his relationship with his own father and even mother, usually when a man is a bad son, he turns out to be a bad husband and father... It is usually a package deal... So, there are signs but we just choose to ignore them at times... When a man really is a good father, he really has to think about having a child because he wants to make sure that he chose the right woman, the men that simply do it and do not even discuss the possibility if a woman becoming pregnant, usually are not thinking responsibility, therefore, that would be another sign that he will not end up being responsible when and if a child is conceived.. We need to open our eyes and make sure that before we become a baby's mother to these jerks, we do our homework...

Answer 3

Unfortunately, you have had some bad experiences. The good news is, not ALL MEN feel this way. I wish I could tell you where to find the good ones... they are out there.

There are a number of reasons why a guy act a like a jerk when it comes to being a responsible father. 1) He may question whether he is really the father. 2) He may be irresponsible with his finances and not have anything left to spare. 3) You may be approaching the entire situation with anger and hostility.

I was once a single mother. My daughter's father and I decided to work outside of the court system to work things out for our child. I laid it all out for him and said, "Here's what I need from you to make this work." When he saw how his money could make things better for HER, he was much more willing to pay up.

Try to be civil -- and make your requests all about the kids.

As you look for a future mate, I would suggest that you develop a friendship with someone first. Be careful with your heart. Loneliness can cause you do things you may regret later. Take your time and look for a man who loves and accepts your children. If he looks at them as a liability instead of a blessing, KICK HIM TO THE CURB!!

I hope that helps. God bless you.

Answer 4

Everything in life is a choice, but just because you have a choice, it does not mean that all choices are good choices. Sometimes you can make a bad choice, too.

So he's decided not to be present in his life, and it is his choice. He will probably come to regret it years down the line, when he realizes that he has a son that he doesn't know, and you can't really make up for all of those years lost.

I'm sure you're a caring mother, so I want you to look at his lack of involvement this way... If he were forced to be involved, would he be a good influence in his life? Remember that most people get angry when they're **forced** to do something, and anger can be displaced to the child.

It could be worse... He could choose to be involved, and be an abusive father. All he is doing is not being there. Some people are in abusive situations, and could only wish for that.

I am not trying to diminish your problem in any way, but I mean only to show that there are some things to be grateful for.

As far as your kids go, there will always be problems that you need to help them with... Mean kids in school, no father present, etc. All you can do is the best you can with the circumstances that you have, but you can't control other people or prevent bad things from happening. So the best thing you can do is to teach them how to cope with the bad times, and teach them how to live happy and healthy lives, even when there are obstacles to doing so.

In regards to the argument that he didn't ask to be a father... It's not just having sex... but regardless of whether or not you had a choice in becoming a father, sometimes these things just happen. He can choose to make the best of it, or he can just continue to feel sorry for himself. Of course, I would recommend to him that whether he feels he had a choice or not, he should try to find a way to be happy with what life has given him. Life has given him children. It's not like he lost his legs. Why is he feeling sorry for himself?

Since he is not losing any time over these kids, I think it is the child support issue. He is just feeling sorry for himself, because he loses the money. I do think there are occasional abuses of the system that need to be rectified (look at Hollywood stars getting big bucks for c/s), but I think the actual intention of child support is to raise their standard of living. From what I've read on the Maryland child support site, child support is calculated by how much (percentage of income) that a family would actually spend on their child if they were living together, then divided up percentage-wise by the parents' income. At least, that is what the child support calculator endeavors to accomplish.

You can make child support into a moral issue, but if somebody disagrees with the morality of something, remember that a lot of laws can be debated about their morality. The point of laws is to create a guideline to stop incessant bickering in the courthouse. My recommendation is to stop the bickering outside of the courthouse. If he wants to talk about child support, just tell him to take his complaints to the child support office, the circuit court, or wherever you got child support formally established.

Answer 5

The problem starts in the homes where the so-called fathers are being raised. These so-called fathers are not being raised to accept and stand up to their responsibilities even when it's hard. That's what makes a man a father not a teaspoonful of sperm. The women who end of as the mothers of these poor babies should take them to court for financial support and then turn to their decent male friends and male family members to help step up, not as father figures but as good male role models. Good Luck and remember you can make a difference in how you raise your sons and daughters.

Answer 6

cuz they are immature and were raised wrong. my boys know ill kick their a*ses all the way to the child support office if they make one. my firs husband owes me and the kids over 150,000 over 16 yrs. he works under the table and files no taxes. hes a piece of s*it!! a quick death wouldve been nice for him and the kids agree. hes not been around at all. dead at least theyd have gotten social security..and college.