spitting issue (single mom crisis)?

Question

My little girl is quite the tom boy. she swears and worst of all SPITS constantly. she did not get this at home, but probably picked it up at the kindergarden and i was warned by her kindergarden teacher that she has a very dirty mouth and that she is constantly picking at the kids, she even spit on her!!! i was most embarrassed by this but to tell you the truth, not as surprised and she does it to me all the time. i am a single mother and it is HARD right now, especially with there being 2 more children in the house. she is my youngest(4 years old), i also have a 5 year old boy and 9 year old twins. but she is the only one causing me such trouble. lately she's been getting hard spankings for spitting on myself and her siblings (its the only way to reason with her and the only thing thats worked) but 2 days removed i see i will have to use the wooden spoon on her again. she desperately needs a father to whoop her a** and show her discipline, but that isnt an option right now...

yea i've tried different approaches, thats why i say that spanking is the only one that works! proof to that is that her siblings barely EVER go over my knee and right now she does 3 or 4 times a week! kids are different, i know. she just happens to be a really difficult one. i'm watching her closely and would never let anything happen to her, sadly i really think she's at the stage where she's beggin for boundaries and discipline, i just fel like theres not enough of me to go around for them all. we do spend quality time together though, every working day between 2 and 4 pm (when the rest of the kids come home from school) and i think this is where i made the mistake of spoiling her in the first place. now i'm having to reverse that by being hard on her and spanking, but i wish i could turn back time and that she knew that i am to be respected some time ago!

to dezzy mom: i'm sorry but i am a firm believer in spanking for these type of offenses. it is VERY different from abuse and though i give it to her hard i do not leave marks that last for days, just enough to make discomfort when she sits down that day. i also believe that children are unique and for some, spanking just WORKS and is pretty much the only way to establish respect. as i said, my other kids (very much like yourself probably) respond much better to different kind of discipline, and i need only to raise my hand and my 9 year old stops doing whatever it is she should not be and appologises. where as the little one just spits right at me and continues to do so untill she gets her dose. then she actually calms down and wants her mommy.

Answer 1

I understand where you are coming from but always keep in mind that discipline and whooping are too different things, one is done in anger and the other in guidance. I spank my DD too, but I do it calmly and explain why afterwards.
She has to be acting out in order to get your attention. Is she getting enough attention?? Is something else (abuse somewhere?) going on that she cannot verbalize to you? Maybe this teacher is alot nastier than she lets on??
Kids don't do this just to see how pissed off they can make you, or becasue they are out to get you. They have reasons, and are too immature to deal with it properly. You need to find out why, and make sure she knows you love her-tell her all the time.
See if the school has a counselling program, Big Sisters program, anything that you can use to enlist some help. You are burning the candle at both ends trying to cope all alone.

Answer 2

First off ... DON'T PHYSICALLY HURT YOUR CHILD. I was beaten until I was 16 and lemme tell you ... I wasn't a trouble maker or anything ... it was due to my mom's anger issues that she couldn't control. All the beatings I went through emotionally scarred me to the point where I barely looked at my mom in a positive way. She instilled fear in me to the point where I would go hide in my room and shut the door hoping she wouldn't come after me but she always found me and I was scared all the time.

I understand you're a single mom and you have 3 children. However maybe your little girl is acting out her frustrations or maybe she notices you do stuff with the older children and she could be jealous. Or just maybe ... she might have difficulty verbalizing her feelings and spitting or being mean is her only way to get it out.

I would sit down with her and talk to her about "friends". Explain to her that if she keeps hurting, spitting, or being mean to the children around her ... no one will want to be her friend. Also talk about verbalizing her feelings. Role play and say stuff like:

"You are outside playing with some friends and someone takes your ball without asking .... what should you do?"

She may say spit on them or something revenge like. That's when you step in and provide the correct words of : "Excuse me,
I was playing with that ball first. It makes me sad that you took the ball away from me. Can I have it back? You can use it when I'm done with it."

On top of role playing with her, make a sticker chart for her. This sticker chart will be used when she uses her words with her the 2 other children (meaning verbalizing her feelings). When you catch her using her words, praise her and show that you are proud of her. Allow her to place a sticker on the chart so that she knows that she did something good. Over time she will want you to notice the good things and will want to keep doing that. You can even make a goal for her. If she earns so many stickers, she gets a reward whether that be going to the park, going to a farm, an inexpensive toy she's been wanting, an ice cream ... you both agree on the reward and this will give her an incentive to try even harder to use her words.

She doesn't necessarily need a father to "whoop" her ... like I
said this instills fear not respect. You don't want her cowering in fear everytime you go near her. Physical abuse can cause emotional issues and mental issues. You don't want that. You want her to love and respect you.

If she continues acting up ... you can always put her in a quiet activity (not time out). In the quiet activity area you can place playdough to help her with her frustrations (pounding, rolling, etc), crayons and paper (to draw how she feels), puzzles that are age appropriate, etc. When she is done with her quiet time you can approach her and talk to her about the problem at hand and how she can make better choices next time. End the discussion with the fact that you will always love her no matter what and that you're trying to help her.

I hope some of the things I suggested work for you. Remember there are other ways to get through to children rather than physical abuse. Besides you don't ever want her going to the school nurse and saying that "mommy does this to me", b/c if she ever has a mark to prove it, you may end up in a DCF mess.
I'm not saying this to scare you either ... I know first hand ... I work in daycare.

Answer 3

WOW!!!, If you don't sound like me a couple of months ago, I have a 4 year old little girl as well, she's a little more prissy, but the spitting was a big issue for a minute there. I'm not sure if this will work for your little girl but it works for mine. Now this may be a little out of the ordinary, but hey it works. My little loves to say the B word, so I tell her she can say it only if she asks my permission first. That way she's not out in public embarrassing me. Sometimes she get really upset and she say "Mommy can I cuss" and depending on where were at I'll let her get it out of her little system. The spitting was a little more complicated but thanks to my oldest daughter we got it under control and she eventually stopped. I would smack her in the mouth when ever she spit and if I wasn't around it was my 6 year old's job to do it and believe me she enjoyed every minute of it. She got the hint and realized she'd rather stop spitting than get hit in the mouth almost every hour. This might help you. You have other kids get them involved, so the youngest can see that she can't always do what she wants.

Answer 4

I don't think whooping her a** is going to make a difference even if it is a father figure or you. she is the baby of the family and she is trying to get attention any which way she can weather it be Good or bad. I was a single mother 3 for three years and my youngest two were hell on wheels for me. I ended up getting them in therapy which made me realize things that could be changed and worked. It also was a great release for the kids and I also. Best of luck.

Answer 5

Have you tried all other types of discipline? Does she have any favorite toys, or does she love watching tv, playing outside...etc. What i'm getting at is Have you "grounded her" or taken away some of her fav things until she behaves? My sister was the same way, and the only way to make her behave was to make her stay in her room all day on weekends and after school,but her tv and fav toys were taken out. All she had left were books. Another thing my mom did for a more timely response was put us on our knees against a wall for 5-10 min or so, depending on age.

Answer 6

maybe the problem is she needs some attention from you. and her only way of getting it is to act out so that you can pay her some type of mind. Maybe you are going to have to take a certain time out of the day to spend solely with her so that she can get some attention if that doesn't work than i would award her with something on the days she doesn't do it.

Answer 7

Call Nanny 911.

Answer 8

she needs some attention u shloud give her more attention.