Earn an easy 10 points...?

Question

Let me hear your best jokes and if yours is the best one then you earn 10 points...easy, isn't it?

Answer 1

Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time" replies Steve.
"But have you thought it properly?" asks the doctor, there's no going back!"
"I'm aware of that and U R not going to change my mind - you book me in to be castrated that’s it"
"Well, OK.", says the doctor
So operation is done and the nxt day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. "Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I
would like to be circumcised."
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Sh*t! THAT'S the word, "CIRCUMCISED"!"

Answer 2

Here are some some jokes.... No offense Please

A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.

"I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "And as I have more time left, I'm rechecking my answers."

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. For years, they live there, and one day they find a magic lamp. They rub it, and sure enough, out comes a genie. The genie says "since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one" So the brunette goes first, "I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life - I just want to go home." POOF, she is gone. The redhead makes her wish, "This place sucks, I want to go home too." POOF, she
is gone. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, "What is the matter?" The blonde said, "I wish my friends were here."

Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake.

One blonde yells to the other, "How do you get to the other side?"

"You are on the other side," the other blonde yells back.

One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help.

"It's supposed to be a tiger!" Sally cried.

"Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!"

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

X------------------------X

Answer 3

DISTANCE
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........
and
one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther
away..........
Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see
Florida...?????"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it
died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very
nicely
if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act
together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to
show
it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I
get
to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and
shouts
back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said
that
her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and
screamed,
then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her
knee and
screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she
touched
made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the
freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing
lights
and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn
and
yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian
said,
"We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the
sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said
the
Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're
going
at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She
rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature. Her question was,
"If you
are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new
dogs,
and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying
that one
was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like
that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

Answer 4

Cuervo Cookies

I know it's a little early, but it is time to start baking for the holidays.
This is the BEST Christmas Cookie recipe EVER!

Christmas Cookies
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo
again to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure
the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in
the cup of dried fruit, Pick the frigging fruit off floor. Mix on the turner
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just! pry it loose with a
drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two
cups of salt, or something. Check the Jose Cuervo.

Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon
of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake
tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

CHERRY MISTMAS

Answer 5

Things to do in an elevator:

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.

5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day your day been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, They open up again."

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, Got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other
passengers, "This is my personal space!"

27.) ask "excuse me, my butt itching, can anyone scratch it for me?" (you are holding things in your two hands)

28.) Turn against the wall and start talking to the wall.

29.) Look at your "invisivle" watch, and take your wrist and ask one of the people "Is this time right?"

30.) Start hummong really loudly like you are meditating "UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...

31.) start doing jumping jacks.

32.) Look at your hand and say out load "woooooow, coool" and wave your hand at the people and say "isn't it wow and cool?"

33.) Sit on the floor and close your eyes, and start snoring really loudly.

34.) Look suddenly at the floor of the elevator and start screaming at the "invisible" squirrel.

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Answer 6

Chris Evans recently had a guest on Radio 2 who has been doing research on the funniest jokes. This is the one that 'officially' is the funniest joke in the world!! (Seriously)

Two hunters are walking through the forest when one collapses with stomach pains. The other hunter panics and then remembers his mobile phone. He dials the emergency services, gets through to a doctor and says, "I was walking through the forest with my friend when he collapsed and now he's on the ground not moving, i think he may be dead."
The operator replies, "OK. The first thing to do is make sure."
The phone goes quiet for a few seconds until the doctor hears a loud bang that sounds like a gunshot. The hunter comes back to the phone and says, " OK, he's definitely dead"

And for good measure........
Two parrots sitting on a perch. One says to the other, "Can you smell fish?" - Makes me laugh!!

Have to leave the rude ones out just in case someone reports me!

Answer 7

This should be a winner:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

Answer 8

johnny and jimmy were driving from bar to bar.
at one point the were going way too fast,lost control
of the car,hit a telephone pole and they both died.

johnny gets to heaven and ask st -peter where his
good friend jimmy was.

well says st-peter, jimmy was a catholic so he went
straight through to heaven.

johnny begs st-peter to see his best friend just one more
time before they are sent in thier different directions.

so st-peter walks johnny over to a cloud,and they are
standing there looking down,jimmy is lying on a beach
in a hommock with a beautiful blonde and a keg of beer.

johnny says wow,I wish I was a catholic,what a great way
to spend your time in heaven.

st- peter says well johnny,jimmy was not exactly a great
catholic,soooo things are not as they seem.

what do you mean,says johnny who would,nt want what
jimmy has right now !

well says st-peter.like I said things don;t always look
like they seem,

you see johnny, the keg of beer has a hole in it.
and the blonde doesn;t.....

Answer 9

A blonde was standing in front of a coke machine
she put in 50 cents and a coke came out. She set
it on top of the coke machine. Put in 50 more
cents pushed the button and another coke came
out.

She kept doing this untill a guy standing behind
her said, " Excuse me, can I get my coke and then
you can go back to whatever you are doing?"

The blonde turns around and says, "Like duh not
when I am winning!! "



Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.

To everyone's amazement, all of the colour ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering.

Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"


There were 2 golfers on the golf course. One of the men pulled out a cigarette, and asked his friend for a light. his friend pulls out a 12 inch Bic lighter. "Wow, where did you get such a large Bic?" "Oh, my genie got it for me," "Your genie? You have a genie? Where is he?" "He is in my golf bag." The friend says, "Can I see him?" His friend says "Yes, sure!" So the friend looks in the bag and out comes the genie. The man says to the genie; "I am your master's best friend. Would you grant me just one wish?" The genie says "Yes, just one wish". So the man wishes for a million bucks. The genie goes back in the golf bag without saying a word. Pretty soon, the sky starts to get dark. Then it gets even darker. The man looks up and sees a million ducks flying over. He gets real upset, and says "what is the matter with your genie? Is he hard of hearing? I said a million Bucks, not a million Ducks. "His friend says to him: "Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?"



Larry and Bob wanted to go out drinking but only had $2.00 between them. Larry said, "Hang on, I've got an idea." He went next door to the Deli and spent the $2.00 on a large, hard sausage. Bob said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!" Larry replied, "Don't worry, just follow me."
They went into a pub where Larry ordered two Jack Daniels. Bob said, "Are you crazy? How are we going to pay for this?" Larry replied with a smile, "Don't worry, mate, I have a plan. Cheers!
They downed their drinks, than Larry said, "Okay, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper, and you get on your knees and put it in your mouth." Said and done. The bartender noticed them, went beserk, and threw them out.
They continued this from bar to bar, getting more and more drunk. Finally at the 10th bar Bob said, "Larry, I don't think I can do this anymore. My mouth is sore and my knees are killing me. Larry replied, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage back at the 3rd bar!"

Answer 10

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:Man: What's the problem officer?Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.Man: No sir, I was going 65.Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.Man: Shut your mouth, woman!Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?Wife: No, only when he's drunk.