Please, will you tell me a joke or two?

Question

One sister is in the hospital, another is in a homeless shelter, and the other belongs in Hell. I need something to share with my mom to cheer us up. Thanks!

Answer 1

The eminent surgeon was walking through the local churchyard one day when
he saw the gravedigger having a rest and drinking from a bottle of beer.
“Hey you!” called the surgeon. “How dare you laze about and drink alcohol on the churchyard! Get on with your job, or I shall complain to the vicar”.
“I should have thought you’d be the last person to complain,” said the gravedigger, “bearing in mind all your blunders I’ve had to cover up”.
_______________________________________________


It was a dark cloudy night and the drunk staggered into the cemetr and fell
into a hole which had been dug in preparation for a burial the following day. The
hiccupped and fell asleep.
Half an hour later another drunk swayed into the cemetery. He was singing loudly
and his raucous voice woke up the drunk in the grave who suddenly started to yell
that he was cold.
The singing drunk tottered to the edge of the grave and peered blurrily down at
the complaining drunk. “Its no wonder you are cold,” he shouted down to the
drunk. “You have kicked all the soil off yourself.”

Answer 2

The pope is suffering from a terminal illness, and the only cure is for him to have sex with a woman. The Cardinals all agree that, because of these exceptional circumstances; it must be done. The Pope agrees and says,"I will carry out this deed but I must stipulate that I will only do this on four conditions which are:-

1) She must be deaf so she cannot hear my voice and realize that I am the Pope.
2) She must be blind so that she can't see me for the same reason as above.
3) She must be mute so, should realize that it is me, she will not be able to tell anyone."

At this point, one of the Cardinals jumps up and says,"Leave it to me your eminence,I know just the person."

"Wait", says the Pope,"I said there were FOUR conditions." At this point, the young Cardinal hurries back apologizing most profusely. "I'm sorry Your Eminence,"he says, "What was the fourth condition. To which The Pope says,"Big ****!"

Answer 3

A person standing at a public place was shouting _call me doctor,call me doctor .
The person passing nearby to him asked him what's the reason.
Are you ill ?
The shouted person said no?
I have just graduated from the medical college?

Answer 4

he: i want to give myself to you
she: sorry i don't accept cheap gifts



he: i'm a photographer ive been lookin for a face like yours
she: i'm a plastic surgeon, i've been lookin for a face like yours



do you know how to save a drawning lawyer
no!
good!


patient: doc doc every1 seems to be ignoring me
doc: next please


whats the difference b/w a lawyer and a bucket of ****
the bucket

hope u like'em ,,,good luck.........

Answer 5

OK. If we were walking down the street and you found a five dollar bill, who's would it be??
If you found a ten dollar bill who's would it be?
if you had a dick in your mouth who's would it be???

Answer 6

a blonde bought a new Mercedes and started driving it, she switched the radio on, the radio "here's London" the blonde says "OH my God i didn't know its that fast"!!!!

Answer 7

ANGER MANAGEMENT 101


When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know -- take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying, "Hello."

I politely said, "Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
I realized I had called the wrong number.
I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her.
I had accidentally transposed the last two digits of her phone number.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an a_s_s_hole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks,when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a_s_s_hole!"
It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'a_s_s_hole' calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company.
I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?"

He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a_s_s_hole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for... I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for that spot.
The idiot ignored me.
I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so, I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first a_s_s_hole ( I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW a_s_s_hole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?", I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an a_s_s_hole."

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two a_s_s_holes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as
it used to be.
So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an a_s_s_hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen..."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a_s_s_hole."

Then I called A_s_s_hole #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, a_s_s_hole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are...!"

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your a_s_s," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, a_s_s_hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.

When I got there, I saw two a_s_s_holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and the channel 13 news crew.

NOW, I feel better -

This is "Anger Management" at its very best