What are some good jokes?

Answer 1

The Magician and The Parrot


A magician worked on a cruise ship.
The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem:
The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or, "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything.
It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... and then 2 days .. and then 3 days .

Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said ..... "OK, I give up. Where's the f__kin' ship?"

Answer 2

Fun at Walmart



"Things to do at Walmart while the spouse is taking her sweet time.........

1. Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples carts when they are not looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the restrooms.
4. Turn all the radios to a polka station, then turn them all off and turn the volumes to 10.
5. Challenge other customers to a duel with tubes of gift wrap.
6. Put M&M's on layaway.
7. Move "CAUTION WET FLOOR" signs to carpet areas.
8. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
9. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask "Why won't you people just leave me alone?!".
10. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
11. Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I.Joes and X Men.
12. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
13. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
14. Switch signs on the men's and women's bathrooms.
15. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible".
16. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign out front.
17. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels. (woo-woo!)
18. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!".
19. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position an scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again".
20. Go to the food court, get a soft drink, tell them you don't get out much and would they put one of those little umbrellas in it.
21. Go into the fitting room and yell real loud, "hey.....we're out of toilet paper in here"


Joke 2
Little Mary



Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary, and the Nun said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.

A while later the Nun asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, little Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary, and the Nun said, "Very Good," and Mary fell back asleep.

Then the Nun asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The Nun fainted

Answer 3

A lawyer, a doctor, and a redneck were driving through the desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to start walking to the nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to get some help.

A rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when he saw the lawyer top the horizon and walk toward him. The rancher noticed that the lawyer was carrying a glass of water, so when he was within hearing distance, the rancher said, "Hi there...what are you doing carrying a glass of water through the desert?"

The lawyer explained his predicament and explained that since he had a long way to go, he might get thirsty, so that's why he was carrying the water.

A little while later the rancher noticed the doctor walking toward him with a loaf of bread in his hand. "What are you doing?" asked the rancher again.

As before, the doctor explained the situation and said that since he had a long way to go, he might get hungry and that's why he had the bread.

Finally the redneck appeared, dragging a car door through the sand. More curious than ever, the rancher asked, "Hey, why are you dragging that car door?"

"Well," said the redneck, "I have a long way to go, so if it gets too hot, I'll roll down the window."

Answer 4

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said " You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice felling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice things
like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

Answer 5

Things to do in an elevator:

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.

5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day your day been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, They open up again."

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, Got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other
passengers, "This is my personal space!"

27.) ask "excuse me, my butt itching, can anyone scratch it for me?" (you are holding things in your two hands)

28.) Turn against the wall and start talking to the wall.

29.) Look at your "invisivle" watch, and take your wrist and ask one of the people "Is this time right?"

30.) Start hummong really loudly like you are meditating "UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...

31.) start doing jumping jacks.

32.) Look at your hand and say out load "woooooow, coool" and wave your hand at the people and say "isn't it wow and cool?"

33.) Sit on the floor and close your eyes, and start snoring really loudly.

34.) Look suddenly at the floor of the elevator and start screaming at the "invisible" squirrel.

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Answer 6

The Perfect Penis

There's two boys waiting at the bus stop and they overheard a couple of older boys talking about a penis. The one boy asked the other, 'what's a penis?' The other boy say's, " I don't know, when you get home from school ask your dad he knows everything." So after school the boy finds his dad out back working in the garden, and he asks, " Dad ,what is a penis?" His dad says, Come on behind the tool shed and I'll Show you." His dad whips it out and says, This is a penis and as a matter of fact it's a perfect penis." The next day the boys meet back at the bus stop and the one boy asks," Did you ask your dad, did you find out what it is?' "yes" says the other boy. "come on behind the bushes and I'll show you." So they get behind the bushes and the boy whips it out and says,"This is a penis and as a matter of fact, if it were three inches shorter it would be a perfect penis.

Answer 7

A blond and a red head needed some help to save the family farm with only $500. So they decided to buy a bull to help them plowing the farm. The red head goes into town to look for a bull for a good price. She finally found one for only $499. She buys it, but needs some help getting it back to the farm. so she goes to the post office to send her blond sister a letter. but she finds out that it is $1 per word, She thought about it for a while then said, "I'll like to send my sister one word, 'comfortable'"
"How is she going to understand what that means?" says the manager.
"Oh, don't worry, my sister is a blond, she will read this big word really slow, 'com-for-da-bull'"

Answer 8

The shortest but funniest joke I have heard recently is.......

If big breasted woman work at HOOTERS. Where do one legged woman work?

Answer: I-HOP

You will only get the joke if you know what HOOTERS AND I-HOP is.

Answer 9

Two muffins are sitting in an oven. The first muffin says, "It's getting really hot in here". The second one says "Holy crap! A talking muffin!"

Answer 10

How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced?

Ans- a buccaneer