Does anyone have really good jokes?

Question

Help me! I really need a good laugh right now!

Answer 1

Things to do in an elevator:

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.

5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day your day been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, They open up again."

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, Got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other
passengers, "This is my personal space!"

27.) ask "excuse me, my butt itching, can anyone scratch it for me?" (you are holding things in your two hands)

28.) Turn against the wall and start talking to the wall.

29.) Look at your "invisivle" watch, and take your wrist and ask one of the people "Is this time right?"

30.) Start hummong really loudly like you are meditating "UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...

31.) start doing jumping jacks.

32.) Look at your hand and say out load "woooooow, coool" and wave your hand at the people and say "isn't it wow and cool?"

33.) Sit on the floor and close your eyes, and start snoring really loudly.

34.) Look suddenly at the floor of the elevator and start screaming at the "invisible" squirrel.

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Answer 2

A white salesman from New York, was on a business trip through some of the states in the deep south.

After checking in to a hotel, he went to the cocktail lounge for a couple of drinks.

He had not been seated for more than a few minutes, when a southern gentleman at the bar stood up and announced, "My name is Brown, B-R-O-W-N, and I am a white man from the top of my head to the tip of my toes", and then sit back down.

Every ten minutes or so, he would stand and make the same announcment to the other patrons, "My name is Brown, B-R-O-W-N, and I am a white man from the top of my head to the tip of my toes".

It had been a long and tiring trip for the salesman, and all he wanted was a little peace and quiet.

After hearing the loud mouth's repeated words for some time, the salesman stood up and made his own announcment.

His was, "My name is Smith, S-M-I-T-H, and I am a white man from the top of my head to the tip of my toes, all except for my a_s_s_hole which is brown, B-R-O-W-N".

Answer 3

OK here you go. Might make you laugh because it made me laugh:

There were once 2 babies sleeping side by side. One baby asked the other "are you a little boy or a little girl" the baby replied "i dont know, I dont know how to tell the difference". So he said crawled into the other baby's crib and went into her blanket and came out all excited and happy and said "youre a girl". The baby (girl) was amazed and asked how did you know? So the boy said:
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I saw you were wearing pink socks and I am wearing blue socks"
What were you thinking???? LOL

Answer 4

Why did the tomato run?
To ketch up.
What's the definition of love?
Two in a bed trying to make three.

Answer 5

guys will probably only like this one

So this lady who is 42 years old decides to get plastic surgery, so shes all done and turns out great. so she goes to McDonalds and gets a Salad, at the register she asks the guy to guess her age, he says hmm 23 no im 42. when shes done she goes on a jog and when she is done she gets on a bus. when she gets on the bus she asks the bus driver how old she is, he says hmm 21 she says no im 42, shes feeling good now. next stop a guy gets on and sits next to her, she asks him to guess her age, he says in my homeland there is only one way to find out a womens age and that is this old trick. so he reaches up her shirt, 5 minutes pass and hes still feelin around, she says okay okay, he says 10 more seconds, she says okay, finally she says okay your done know and he says 42, she asks how'd you know and he says I was behind you in line at McDonalds...

Answer 6

An inexperienced pair are in bed and he wants to have sex. She says you have to ask me if you can put your washing in my washing machine, I am not saying that he replies and turns over.
An hour later she nudges him and says You can put your washing in my washing machine, Too late he replies I have done it by hand.

Answer 7

A man came to town on a horse. He got off his horse and rubbed his lips on its butt. A man came by and asked " Why are you rubbing your lips on your horses butt?"
"I have chapped lips." The man then said,"I didn't know horse poop helped chapped lips"
"No, it just keeps you from licken' them"

Answer 8

Whats black and white and red all over?

A zebra operating a chainsaw!

HAHAHA! I just made that up... its probably why its not funny! lol

Answer 9

the knicks are winning next years playoffs

Answer 10

What goes, "clop clop clop clop clop BANG! BANG! clopclopclopclopclopclop"?

An Amish drive-by shooting.