Discipline for a 12 year old boy?

Question

My 12 yo son is currently in summer school for the failure of 6th grade. I am more upset that he lied about doing good in scool than not getting good grades. I can deal with not having a smart child ..its the lying that hurts...he has no reason to lie..we do not spank our child...so far he is grounded till summer school is over....no tv, no friends,no vidieo games..etc...we had a week long trip to Las Vegas planned now that is off..and a few other trips..that will be canceled...My wife and I will now be going on vacation without him...Am I being too harsh?

Note- the trip to Vegas was cancelled due to summer SCHOOL.
I do care about his education. He gets good test scores just does not turn in homework. He reads at a freshman level.
And as for report card or notes from the teacher..they never made it to me..he decided to hide that also.

he was at a different school and was kicked out for not doing the work. so he finished the final quarter at a new school. and when I ask him how he is doing..I trust in him that he tells me the truth.

Answer 1

I'm having a hard problem understanding why you did not know he was failing long ago. Was there no communications from the teacher? Did you ever see a report card? Your son may have been lying about his grades because he was embarrassed and ashamed. You may be thinking that your harsh punishment of him is because of lying, but he thinks it's because of the grades. For our children to succeed in school, they need our daily help and involvement. So I ask again, where have you been all this time that your son was failing? What are you doing now to help him succeed and rediscover his love of learning that obviously has been lost somewhere along the way? All your harsh punishment will teach him is that in the future he'll have to figure out how to lie better. I would suggest some family counseling, because I think you are off-track in how you are handling your son and it's only going to get worse when he hits puberty, any second now.

Answer 2

I do not think it is harsh. Keep all the no's effective indefinately. When school restarts tell him he will have to EARN all of his privedges back a little at a time (1 hour of tv or game) Friends over for a couple, etc

The next school he is attending, sit with his teachers, councelors, etc, and him and tell the teachers and your son what is expected. Teachers can email you his homework schedule now and what materials he will need. Make him do his homework in the livingroom or kitchen where you can watch and help if needed. Not in his room where the mind tends to wander when doing something boring.

Keep in contact with the teacher. If son comes home and says he has no homework, call the teacher and confirm. If it is a lie, take more away from him. Have his report card mailed to you.

When you go out to eat, find a baby sitter for him. That will be degrading for a 12 year old but he will eventually learn.

Why not go on your Vegas trip? Drop him off at a relatives and tell them the restrictions that are on him and encourage the restrictions are carried out there. Or..take him along and nothing is allowed...as if at home!

You must also let him see that telling the truth may cause a punishment, but lieing will make the punishment more severe. And not to be afraid to speak the truth. And...ask him WHY did he lie in a calm, level voice.

Each child in this world is different and need to be treated differently...according to the way they are. To me, there are no set rules in diciplining children.

Note: Spell check is not working, so pardon the misspellings!

Answer 3

You didn't get a mid term report telling you whats going on in school? or report cards for the past semesters prior?
You should have seen the bad grades long before he failed sixth grade.

I'm not blaming you, I'm just saying that it shouldn't have come as a suprise to you. Also I hope you've learned - do not take your child's word for how they are doing in school. (My son has problems with Math and would always tell me he was doing alot better than he was. When I got the mid terms showing a D, I knew he was lying).

As for punishment. Summer school is definetly a great start. Early curfew, limited time with friends and television also.

Before the next school year begins maybe you can get him a tutor to help him with the areas he's weakest in. And when school begins, check with his teachers on how he's doing at least once a month so it doesn't sneak up on you again.

Answer 4

I have been a teacher for over twenty years and every middle school boy I have known has the same problem. They can even go so far as to do the homework and just forget to turn it in. I began asking colleagues and other teachers why this is.
Schools need to begin helping the middle school children organize and understand the responsibilities of homework and how to plan so that they know when to do it and how to set up a planner as a reminder of when it is due. They have to do this for six to seven periods and are not used to it. As a parent, if the school is not following through on this.......you need to help your child learn this skill. It's not that he doesn't want to it is very overwhelming to him. However, that doesn't excuse his lying.
I have also found that I needed to be in close contact with the teachers.......asking for a syllabus so that I could help him organize his tasks, etc. NO child wants to fail..............or disappoint their parent.

Answer 5

Just throw him out of the f'in family why don't ya?

Gawd, spend sometime with the kid. He's learning how to deal with the influx of hormones and huge growth spurts making him tired and cranky. Did you know that a teen aged boy has 3 times the amount of testoserone as a full grown man? Ask your doctor, it's a fact, please just don't believe me.

I have 3 sons, and my oldest is 11 and going into 7th grade. He struggled in 6th grade, more so than any other grade. There is some wierd pressure to be stupid for boys because being smart means that you are like a girl. (don't ask, I don't get it, just what he said) I told him that being smart makes you rich later. Then we worked together everyday on his homework. When he didn't have homework, we read books together, I would read a page then he would read. His grades picked right up.

Answer 6

I strongly urge you to stick to him like poop on a wool blanket. Yes, I think it's harsh, but you know what - he won't forget it. If he's at this now he'll only get worse with time. My son did the same and I missed any chance to fix the problem. My son dropped out of school. Do not let up, I mean it. call the school regularly to check on him. Get a diary going back and forth between you and his teachers to confirm if there is homework, etc. I wish you all the luck in the world - you're going to need it.

Answer 7

My husband and I had a similar problem with our son. I started calling his teacher every week. I did that for the whole school year. We told our son we were going to do this and we told him what would happen if we got bad reports. It took several weeks for him to get the idea but he eventually shaped up and his teacher was surprised and pleased that we took an interest in our child's education. Don't be afraid to communicate with the teacher or the school. They will appreciate it and it lets children know that they can't hide things from their parents. But YOU have to get the ball rolling and keep it rolling.

Answer 8

No, I don't think you are being too harsh. But help him with his work. Show a interest in his education. he may jusy need some encouragement to do better. IF he does better, slowly give his "fun items" back to him. Like an hour of tv or video games, but don't give in too fast. Let him show he is trying and hopefully he'll learn a lesson and also pass the 6th grade. Good luck.

Answer 9

Umm...ya. Basically you need to sit down and have a chat with him and see why he felt that he had to lie. Maybe something happened that he does not feel secure to tell you about. Or maybe he felt that he was doing good in school and had a bad teacher. He is entering his teen years, so he is going to be a little bashful about sharing everything with you. Also, be careful not to take every single privelage away from him. Just talk to him and let him know how hurt you are....that is often punishment enough.

Answer 10

No you need to let him know you mean business and that you are the boss. He needs to know there are consequences for every action he makes. It is best he learns that now in the comfort of his family as opposed to an adult and end up in jail because he never learned that actions do not have consequences.

I wouldn't cancel your vacations. You shouldn't have to punish you and your wife. I think no tv, video games, and no friends until summer school is over is sufficient.