what can i do about my grandma?

Question

My grandma has slight dementia and anxiety disorder, recently she got an UTI, and has been more confused (which I know is normal) and more anxious, to the point where she is calling me 2-3 times a day crying. The past two days she has called in the middle of the night. I love my grandma but her calling at all hours is starting to affect my work. She currently lives in assistive living and receives great care, she is fine when she interacts with them, and so I know some of this behavior is a guilt trip on me. She has a niece that lives one town away but because I live here and am in health care, all the responsibility falls on me. Her only child (my mother) passed away 13 years ago, when i was 18. I’ve tried staying away (in hopes she will make friends there), and when I visit I hear how bad she has it and how she hates the place where she is at (this is nothing new). I don't know what to do anymore help??

she not in a nursing home, but in assitive living (a big difference), i work in a nursing home and i did my best to keep her out of one. at this point i can't take her home with me, i'm a part time care giver to my father also, and could not handle the stress.

Answer 1

From years of experience working in a geropsych unit (a mental health unit for seniors) I may be able to provide a bit of assistance.

I know that in senior citizens, a UTI (urinary tract infection) can actually cause confusion, in contrast with younger adults who do not experience confusion as a result.

You should find out if the dementia is an actual professional diagnosis (from a psychiatrist) or if it has been loosely applied from one of the staff. Because if it is then you need to find out more about whether this condition is progressively degenerative (likely to get worse) because if that is the case she may need to be placed in a care facility that specializes in care for patients with dementia. It doesn't sound like the ALF where she is now is equipped for that.

Don't take it personally when she calls on you in the middle of the night. It's not a "guilt trip". Many times the dementia patients I have worked with were anxious because they were disoriented. They may have been worried because they felt they didn't have enough money (even when they did), that someone was taking their money, that they were trapped and couldn't leave, the list goes on. In some cases they need a lot of reassurance that whatever irrational thought process is going on is not correct. In some cases the short and/or long term memory has to some degree been lost, so that the caregiver finds they are repeating themselves continually, telling them the same thing over and over, and the dementia-affected patient will respond, "oh" as if they had just heard it for the very first time. It could be that your grandmother is starting to forget.

It could be that there really is some negative stuff going on at the facillity, or it could be a misperception going on her part stemming from the disease. It could be that the care she is receiving is not appropriate to her condition, causing her to complain that she's not happy with it, but not really knowing why.

There may be a geropsychiatric hospital available where she can go and get stabilized on a therapeutic dose of medication for her condition. when she gets the right care she may become less anxious.

I hope this helps somewhat.

Answer 2

First of all let me say I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. I remember when my grandfather was suffering with dementia. It was very hard on the entire family. I was in middle school at the time, and for a while he lived with us, but there came a time when my mother had to put him into a senior home because she could not manage him safely at home any more. As a nurse I have also seen how many patients with dementia tend to cleave to one family member. Perhaps you make her feel safe, or maybe she has maintained fond memories of you. But at some point you may have to decide to withdraw from the situation if it is disrupting your life. This is a very personal decision and I don't think anyone can really tell you what to do. I would suggest to put her in a home where she will be well cared for, which sounds like you have already done. Many nursing homes are now opening dementia and Alzheimer's units. Have you considered one of these units as well?

I guess the short version of what I'm trying to say is: if you have done all you can to provide for your grandmother's safety and well-being then you should not feel guilty. The role of caregiver can be very exhausting to the point that many people have lost their families and careers when taking care of a loved one. So only you can decide how much you are able to handle. Just do the best you can for her. Put her in a safe place, and then let God take care of her.

Answer 3

Have you spoken with her Social Worker? I understand the UTI will cause more confusion, and make her more anxious, because she just doesn't feel good, but she also sounds depressed. She might need an evaluation by a mental health care professional. Sometimes, if the depression is treated in a dementia patient, they feel better and are able to interact better with their own surroundings, thus freeing you up. I might also suggest you join a caregivers support group. Sounds like you, too, need help sorting things out. It is a lot to handle for one person, health caregiver or not. She's not able to lay a guilt trip on you - only you are.

Answer 4

If the extra calling is being caused by the added confusion due to the UTI, then it should clear up when the UTI does. But maybe spending more time with her instead of trying to stay away would actually be more helpful. Maybe if she knows your visits will be at a set day and time she won't get so freaked out when you do show up. This is a hard situation for everyone involved. Your grandmother as well as yourself. Perhaps, she just really misses having family around. I know I would.

Answer 5

I know this sounds a little odd but I have heard that yoga has benefits for those with dementia. Being that gradma is in as assisted living home there should be plenty of classes that are offered for the elderly. Maybe she needs to be involved in something like that. My grandma is 83 and takes tai chi where she lives.
Also, maybe you could go to an occasional class with her as incentive or help her out with making some friends.

Answer 6

Well first of all i don't feel any nursing home is a good place for anyone. I do not believe in putting family members in nursing homes. You should listen to her when she says she doesn't like it there. I used to work in a nursing home and i would hate to live in one. The only way i would put a family member in a nursing home was if they required 24 hour a day health care that i could not provide. so maybe everything would work out if one of her family members stepped up and took her home.

Answer 7

Sounds like maybe your grandma is ready for more than just assisted living environment if she is calling you 2-3 times a day.
Maybe it is time to start looking for a long term care facility for her to live in, so she has 24 hour supervision and someone to keep her company at nite and she feels safe.

Answer 8

I would like to help both you and your Gma. You need to understand that Gma may be having scary health problems or may be depressed. She may be seeking attention. Take your concerns to the head of her assisted living center.It may be time for her to move to a home where she can get more care and attention. Try calling Gma at a certain time each day to check on her. Be clear that you are busy and except for emergency's, can't talk at other times

Answer 9

Try writing down instructions for her to follow when she isn't sure what to do. This way she won't need to call you at all hours to decide what to do. Let the staff at the place she's at know that she isn't sleeping through the night - that's not healthy. Also, start calling her every day at the same time, so that she can learn to expect your call. Send her some nice stationary to write down all the questions that she wants to ask you during the day, so that when you call each day she'll know what she wants to ask and you can answer her questions then, instead of at 2am.

Answer 10

Contact the center's director and inquire that your grandmother may be lonely and ask if there are any interns, or professional sitters that can keep her company. I know when I lived in NJ there was a center near our home and college kids worked there as counselors in exchange for supervision of their clinical psych. time. So, you never know, it certainly doesn't hurt to ask. You have been her support system, and you have been consistent with the time and energy that you spend with her. Therefore, she calls on you first, but if you explain to her that you are going to help her "expand your support system," this will help her have someone else to lean on, talk to, chew the fat with. Hope this helps and God bless you for being so kind and caring to your grandmother.