Am I wrong?

Question

Ok last Thanksgiving My fiance and I went to his father's house. His father did get me a plate without me asking him to. Later on he told me to get the pie I had made out of the freezer. While I was getting it he said "Why dont you get me a piece". I had walked 3 feet into the living room when he rudely stated "Where's My pie?". I simply stated "I'm not a maid", and sat on the couch. So later on my fiance was saying how rude I was. Well I had not wanted to go over to their house anymore because of how he had treated me. Well a couple weeks ago my fiance was taking our daughter over to his dad's and I stated I wanted to come. Well all of a sudden the next day I wasnt aloud to come because his stepmother had said I disrespected her house. Now I dont want them to come to my daughter's birthday party in a couple weeks. I said that they had disrespected me also. Am I wrong for getting upset that he wants them to come and he is always saying that I was wrong?

Also Shouldnt he have said if I werent aloud to come then he wasnt going to go either?

I did apologize and Im still not aloud over there. His dad doesnt care its his stepmother.

Im pregnant again, so arent they ruining it for this next child? I have put aside all differences but they seem to want to hold a grudge...oh well.

Answer 1

In my opinion your husband is totally wrong in his train of thought. This is not fair to you at all. His dad and step mom disrespected you and hurt your feelings and he needs to open his eyes and see it for what it is. He should not come down on you for not wanting them at your home. If you are not welcome in their home then why does he expect you to open your home to them? You are absolutely justified in being upset over this. It is almost like he is showing that they are more important than you are. It is a shame because this is going to hurt the kids. I mean really, don't they want to be at the hospital to welcome the new life you are giving them? They should just stop being petty and drop it for the sake of the kids and the family. Family members are going to exchange words, that is part of being family. You learn to forgive and forget or at least overlook it. I think you should stand your ground with your husband and tell him he needs to have a talk with them. If they come to your house full of animosity there is a good chance they will ruin your daughter's party. The focus should be on her, not them.

Answer 2

So this has been going on since last November, and it's June now. Let's see, that makes it seven months. I'm curious why you're asking the question now.

I agree that your fiance's father was rude. And I think that what you said was a little rude, too, but he deserved it. Two wrongs don't make a right. I'm sure with 20/20 hindsight you could think of a lot better ways to come back to your fiance's father. Personally I would have said something like, "If I'm going to have to wait on your lazy butt, my tip better be good!" And then smile with a lot of teeth to show that you're joking but you also mean what you say. It's easy, though, to think of a good comeback when someone else is telling about something that already happened.

I have to wonder what happened between you and his stepmother for her to say that you had disrespected her house, or if this was just the grudge coming back to life again.

I agree with what others here said: for the sake of your older daughter and for the sake of the child you are about to have, you owe it to your children to be the bigger person and try to find a way to reconcile. I also agree with what others said: your fiance isn't looking out for you; he should be running some interference for you too.

To be honest I also wonder about your relationship with him. Here is a man with whom you have had children and are not married. I am not a conventional sort, and I don't think others have to be either. What I am concerned with is your legal rights and the children's legal rights. While marriage does not suit everyone, it does provide powerful legal benefits, plus social benefits too. If you are unconventionally paired, then this man is your partner, not a fiance, if you want to live together.

Your children would receive substantial legal benefits and protections if you were married also. So this is perhaps something you want to consider. I don't know you or your situation, but how long has marriage been on the table, or in the works? I hope this is not a case of why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free, but only you know for sure. Only you know if this is an appropriate, mutual relationship or not.

So, bottom line. Talk to your fiance/partner about getting together with his father and stepmother and talking things over. You could sugar-coat this by saying it's for the good of the children. It is and it's not, but that's a polite way for adults to put aside their egos and deal with adult problems while making everyone look like they are doing something difficult for other people. That way everyone saves face.

Good luck! Hope this helps. Cheers, K

Answer 3

I don't understand why you just didn't get him a piece of pie. Earlier he got you a plate, I think that he was being polite by serving you. This is all pretty childish behavior. I know that they pissed you off, but is it really worth it? Tell your fiance to talk to his dad and step-mom and see if they are willing to let it drop and move on. It will be best if everyone is getting along by the time you two get married. Maybe your daughter's birthday party will be a good time to mend broken ties. If you don't invite them, then it will make things much worse. If you put an honest effort to move on and they won't accept it, then that is the time to stop inviting them to family functions. Also I think your fiance needs to stick up for you more. He shouldn't let his family disrespect you at all.

Answer 4

Saying I am not a maid to an elder is disrespectful. As far as his family is concerned the sooner you make nice with them the better off you will be. These people are your family and they need to get over it. Your best bet is ask his stepmother out to lunch. You may have to eat some humble pie. But this may help with your relationship with her. If it doesn't work then there is something wrong with her and she needs to get over it.

Answer 5

He asked for pie and you should have gotten him some, but he was also very rude for asking 'where's my pie?'. You were very rude to say 'I'm not a maid'. Be the bigger person and apologize. You don't want to have this ruin your relationship with your fiance's family or your fiance. You also don't want this to ruin the relationship between them and your daughter.

Answer 6

Your wrong, just for a different reason.
First off, let me state that yes, he did disrespect you. If he can't see it, that's just sad. and yes, you did disrespect them. But aside from your feelings and theirs, what about the daughter? All of you are her family, and the fact that you both disrespected yourselves, and now don't want anything to do with each other, well whose the child here, really? You and your fiance, your parents, and his parents, are all a family to one little girl. shouldn't you be trying to get along instead?

Answer 7

You should be the bigger person and show your daughter that you are not a petty person. Life is too short to get upset and angry over something that was taken too far on both sides. Send a letter of apology and be the bigger person.

Answer 8

If I was you, I would just bite my tongue and apologize, the best way to do it is maybe go to a costume shop and buy a maid's uniform, and go over there and say you were sorry. They will be your family someday, so better now to get things back to normal.

Answer 9

sheesh...um, yeah, you were kind of wrong for not getting him pie, but i dont think it was a big enough of a deal to stop going over there...your mother in law is in the wrong because i again, it isnt a big enough of a deal for that...basically 2 wrongs dont make a right, and just suck it up and get along....you are going to have to live with them for the rest of their lives...hey a good ice breaker would be to go over there with a whole pie and say "heres your slice with interest" haha

Answer 10

Be the bigger person that your soon to be father-in-law and kill him with kindness.

You should have answered, "One minute, I can only do one thing at a time" when he asked for the pie.

Don't cut your child off from their grandparents, just try and be patient and use kindness against rudeness. Works every time.