my partner hates my mother because she keeps on picking on and lots of other things, my mum knows how much i love my partner and does what she can to split us up. there was a big agument and we now hate my mum for all the jibes and coments. my partner never wants to she her again and wants her band from the house. my mother can be overpowering and annoying. what can i do?
2006-06-14 08:44:34 · 12 answers · asked by candide440 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
No, its not easy. For good or bad we cannot choose our parents. But she is your mum and naturally you love and care for her. Your partner seems to view her as a threat to your relationship. So, I can understand him and he is right to hate her, especially if he loves you. For him she is an enemy.
There is another issue here - obviously your mum does not respect you enough. She can not grasp the fact that you are a grown up, will not be dependent on her for your life and she will not be the center of your Universe. Some mothers do take long to realize this.
I think you have already made your choice. Its good that you and your partner stood together in this. But no matter who wins in this "war" - your mother or your partner - it will be hurtful for you.
So, be prepared for a compromise. Talk to your partner and tell him that you understand and agree with him, but that she is your mother and for you it is not as easy as it is for him to shun her off. Tell him that you will really be grateful to him, if he lets you handle things and does not engage in fruitless arguments with her. Tell him that she is just a frightened aging woman and he should not take her seriously. Tell him that you will never let her ruin your relatuionship, but that you cannot give her up. Reassure him that you will be making all your decisions together, without her influence and that you will try to limit her presence in your life as much as possible.
Then talk to your mum and her you love her, but she is really hurting you and that you will not let her influence your life. Tell her you will always be there for her, but you would walk out of the room or hang up the phone every time she mentions something ugly about your partner or your choice. Tell her she can discuss anything else, but your relationship. And that she will be welcome at your place only if she treats the person you love with respect. Tell her that you do want her as part of your life, but you will move away from her if this continues, no matter what it costs you.
I hope finally things will get to a balance, although it will never be resolved once and for all. But little by little it will be you and your partner that matter most - she will have to make a choice whether or not to join in, not you.
I've been there and I do wish you the best of luck! God bless you!
2006-06-15 00:24:23 · answer #1 · answered by Eve 4 · 3⤊ 2⤋
Sounds like you're stuck in the middle of this.
Here are a few tips for +ve communication. See what you think.
Tell your mum exactly what you say here, like this
When you criticise my partner, I feel upset because I think you want to split us up.
or
What message do you think it sends to me when you say things like (and give an example)?
The trick is not to lose your cool, to use 'I feel...because ' statements, to avoid words like angry or emotional or sarcastic words.
Concentrate on the behaviour and criticise that, not her as a person
Another thing you might try is looking for the need that is making her behave like that.
Would she behave like that if you had any partner?
Does she feel insecure because you are in a grown up relationship (and therefore not her little girl anymore)?
Is she afraid he is taking you away from her?
A bit of reassurance might help if it's tha last one.
Your partner can use the same tricks and if you both do it at the same time, she'll get the message that you are a team and won't let her digs cause problems.
The language might sound stilted, but it works
2006-06-15 07:31:20 · answer #2 · answered by tagette 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That's mums for you all you need to do is sit down and have a chat with your mum about the situatuion because she may not be aware of it. I can understand how you feel but pushing your mother out of your life is that last thing you should do, im sure there's a good reason behind it. If you don't make her aware of it then she will keep on doing it and this will ruin your relationship. Good Luck
2006-06-14 08:57:28 · answer #3 · answered by xxsummerxx232 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Thats your mother u not gonna hate her over a guy i know u love the guy u with but,,try to chat with ur mother n explain for her that u love ur guy and u love her too and u dont want any problems between both of ya and tell your mother to just leave u alone and dis ur life not her life but,,try to make her feel that u love her and u dont want problem i hope things work and good luck..
2006-06-14 09:53:53 · answer #4 · answered by ❀Mother Of 2❀ 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have to back your partner in this. She is your family now & if you give in to your mother now, she will expect you to take her side always in the future.
Ask your mother to show a little respect for your partner or she will not be welcome in your home. She may not mind that at present but tall her to thjink about how she will feel when there are grandchildren & she is not allowed to visit them.
2006-06-14 10:38:45 · answer #5 · answered by monkeyface 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
love there both in the wrong an they need to know how much its upsetting u sit them down seperatly an tell them if you feel if they dnt listen then stuff them. ur parter shud want the best 4 u and if he doesnt listen im sry but maybe you shud take a break and if your mam doesnt listen i no u cant leave her but mak it clear to her how much shes hurt u xxxxxxxxxxxx
good luck xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
2006-06-14 08:54:35 · answer #6 · answered by brand_new_girl_pearl 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
tell your mum to kiss your as$,if this is the person you truly want to be with then go for it ,and i dont blame your partner a bit for not wanting to be around your mum,get a backbone and standup for youself,
2006-06-14 08:51:25 · answer #7 · answered by Ms Scarlet 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
explain to your mum that you love your partner and until she can be nice then she isnt welcome into your home until she learns to be civil to him! Tell her you will see her at hers but until she is nice to your partner she is no longer welcome to come round. BUT dont cut her off completely - you will always need your mum no matter how overpowering she is!
2006-06-14 08:49:56 · answer #8 · answered by Mel.B 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
my mother was like this, still is sometimes. Just ignore it. She will eventually see its not working. This went on with us for almost two years. Then we got married! she stopped after that.
2006-06-15 01:52:51 · answer #9 · answered by wolfstorm 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ah ... there's nothing like sweet motherly, psychotic love.
You know what they say ; God helps those who help themselves.
2006-06-14 08:58:12 · answer #10 · answered by deadhead_society 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋