10 point challenge for good joke tellers, OK?

Question

Tell me a joke I have never heard. Whoever makes me laugh hardest gets 10 points.

Answer 1

ANGER MANAGEMENT 101


When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know -- take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying, "Hello."

I politely said, "Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
I realized I had called the wrong number.
I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her.
I had accidentally transposed the last two digits of her phone number.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an a_s_s_hole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks,when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a_s_s_hole!"
It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'a_s_s_hole' calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company.
I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?"

He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a_s_s_hole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for... I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for that spot.
The idiot ignored me.
I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so, I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first a_s_s_hole ( I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW a_s_s_hole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?", I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an a_s_s_hole."

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two a_s_s_holes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as
it used to be.
So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an a_s_s_hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen..."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a_s_s_hole."

Then I called A_s_s_hole #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, a_s_s_hole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are...!"

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your a_s_s," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, a_s_s_hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.

When I got there, I saw two a_s_s_holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and the channel 13 news crew.

NOW, I feel better -

This is "Anger Management" at its very best

Answer 2

Classifieds:


Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8
years old. Hateful little
dog. Bites.


Free puppies: 1/2 cocker
spaniel 1/2 sneaky neighbor's
dog.


Free puppies... part German
shepherd, part stupid dog.


German shepherd, 85 lbs.
neutered. Speaks German. Free.


Found: dirty white dog.
Looks like a rat... been out
awhile... better be a reward.


1-man, 7-woman hot tub -
$850/or best offer Snow
blower for sale... only used
on snowy days.


Cows, calves never bred...
also 1 gay bull for sale.


Nordictrack $300 hardly
used, call Chubby.


Hummers - largest selection
ever - "If it's in stock, we
have it!"


Georgia peaches, California
grown - 89 cents/lb.


Nice parachute: never
opened - used once.


Tired of working for only
$9.75 per hour? We offer
profit sharing and flexible
hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9
per hour.


Joining nudist colony! Must
sell washer and dryer, $300.


Alzheimer's center prepares
for an affair to remember.


Open house: body shapers
toning salon. Free coffee and
donuts.


For sale by owner: Complete
set of Encyclopedia
Britannica. 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $1,000
or best offer. No longer
needed.Got married last
month. Wife knows everything.

Answer 3

Top 46 Things To Do In An Elevator

1.Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

2.Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.

3.Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

4.Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

5.Sell Girl Scout cookies.

6.On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

7.Shave.

8.Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

9.Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside- down.

10.Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

11.When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

12.Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"

13.Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

14.On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

15.Do Tai Chi exercises.

16.Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

17.When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"

18.Give religious tracts to each passenger.

19.Meow occassionally.

20.Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

21.Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"

22.Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

23.Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.

24.Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

25.Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

26.Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

27.Leave a box between the doors.

28.Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

29.Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

30.Start a sing-along.

31.When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

32.Play the harmonica.

33.Shadow box.

34.Say "Ding!" at each floor.

35.Lean against the button panel.

36.Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

37.Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

38.Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

39.Bring a chair along.

40.Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"

41.Blow spit bubbles.

42.Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

43.Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

44.Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

45.Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

46.Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."

Answer 4

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent years of his life sentence in prison.

While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed.

He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck.

Suddenly he got up and left the room.

As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong, I love you."

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, I love you, too."

Answer 5

Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians. While touring a reservation during the documentary she was puzzled as to why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses. So she asked a brave who only had one feather in his headdress, and his reply was: "Only have one woman: one woman, one feather."

Feeling the first fellow was only joking, she asked another brave. This brave had two feathers in his headdress. And he replied: "Me have two women: two women, two feathers."

Still not convinced the feathers indicated the number of sexual partners involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters. She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"

The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said: "Me Chief, me sleep with 'em all. "Big, small, fat and tall, me sleep with em all."

Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung."

The Chief said: "You damn right, me hung, big like buffalo, long like snake."

Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so hostile."

The Chief replied: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style, me sleep with em all."

With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear."

The Chief said: "No deer. *** too high, run too fast."



OR


The French Leader got a coded message from Bush Administration.
It read: S370HSSV-0773H
The French were stumped and sent for the French Information Agency.
The FIA was stumped too, so it went to the Russians.
The Russians couldn't solve it either, so they asked the Germans.
The Germans, having received this same message during W.W.II from the Americans, suggested turning it upside down ...


OR
At Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction!

Answer 6

Hello, are you tired of your stinky butt, then get "Stink be Gone" for just 19.95 (plus shipping and handling) in three easy steps:

1.) Take the Powder and apply it to your @$$

2.) Rinse

3.) and wait

(4.) For best result take a dump outside and THEN use the "Stinkt Be gone" powder

Remember, its very limited so call now!! at 1-800-butt-stink
or go to www.stinkbutt.com

Answer 7

did you hear? the post office are recalling the new stamps, they had a picture of George Bush on it... people were not sure what side to spit on

and

3 men were sitting in a cave and they found a bottle with a genie in it. The Genie says i will grant you each one wish so the first man says " i want to be 10 times smarter" and he walked out 10 times smarter. the second man says "i want to be 100 times smarter" and he walked out 100 times smarter. the last man says " i want to be 1000 times smarter" and he walks out a women

Answer 8

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. Most ppl have difficulty.

This is this cat.
This is is cat.
This is how cat.
This is to cat.
This is keep cat.
This is a cat.
This is retarded cat.
This is person cat.
This is busy cat.
This is for cat.
This is forty cat.
This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top down

Answer 9

one late nite, a Blonde is driving on the road. She keeps on swerving. a police officer sees her. So he puts his sirens on and she pulls over. He asks the lady why she was swerving. she replies she is trying not to hit the trees. the police officer replies, miss those aren't trees, thats your air freshner.

Answer 10

Q:what did the snail say when riding on the back of a turtle?
A: weeeeeeeee

Answer 11

...meanwhile, back at the farm, tension mounted... and rode off.

Ok that was bad. I admit it.

Two guys walk into a bar; which is kinda stupid cause you figure the second one would have gone around.

I know even worse.

Two dyslexic guys walk into a bra...