Can make this hear SmileyCat : ) laugh?....share a joke!?

Question

Got a big day ahead of me....Home organizer - though today I'm organizing a clients basement! Dusty, lots of cobwebs, musty but that's my job...I'll organize anything! Hoping for a few laughs before I go play with some Spiders!

Thanks!
SmileyCat : )

Answer 1

A Jamaican man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he
passes a
little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using
numbers,
represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Jamaican says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds
to draw
three trees.
What's this?" the boss asks
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the
Jamaican.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use
the same
rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Jamaican stares into space for a while, then picks up the
picture that
he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
>>The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that
represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty
tree, and
dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to
hire this
Jamaican, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again,
but
represent the number 100."
The Jamaican stares into space some more, then he picks up the
picture again
and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you
go. One
hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!"
The Jamaican leans forward and points to the marks at the base of
each tree
and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now
you got
dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a
turd,
which makes one hundred."
"So, when I start?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Spaghetti
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,
he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Good Napkins

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake).

One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?

Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special occasions."

Now fast forward a few months .... It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.

When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tails in so they didn't hang off the edge!!

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.

"But, Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!"

Answer 2

SIGNS YOU ARE TOO DRUNK

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn
to keep from falling off the earth.

Job interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces
of blood in your alcohol stream.

The back of your head keeps
getting hit by the toilet seat.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be
the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case
- coincidence?? - I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth...
- now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have
moved while you were in the bar..

You fall off the floor...

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories
as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you

At AA meetings you begin:
"Hi, my name is... uh..."

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom,
your underwear is in the bathroom,
you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

You think the Four Basic Food Groups
are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Men

Don't recognize anyone unless
seen through bottom of glass.

That damned pink elephant
followed me home again.

I'm as jober as a sudge.

The shrubbery's drunk from
too frequent watering.

You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!"
in the middle of the night

Answer 3

this is on a valentine i saw once :
Roses are red ,
Violets are blue ,
Sugar is sweet,
and so are you.

But the Roses are wilted,
the violets are dead ,
the sugarbowls empty ,
and so is your head.

Answer 4

i heard this on the radio the other day...
it is a your momma joke....but anyway...
your momma is so stupid...she was yelling in an envelope to send voice mail....
crazy, ain't it...lol

Answer 5

hi SmileyCat

Answer 6

Tiffany...
those jokes are GREAT

Answer 7

very good