Why do i put up with it ? And should I ?

Question

I have been married for about 4 years now...I recently just found out that my husband had been cheating on me with his old ex-girlfriend....And he had been doing it for the last three years...I stood by him through his worst and back...And never deceived him...After I found about him cheating on me...I tried to forgive him and move on...Instead of holding it over his head...I tried to get over it...But, it seems I can't trust or believe anything that comes out his mouth...I feel like I have ruined our marriage...By bringing it up all the time why I'm so angry at him...So, should I stay or should I go...I share a Daughter with him and have another on the way...I also have two other children from other realtionships...What do I do....I think if I leave I can't find happiness else where....

Answer 1

Don't feel guilty for another moment. You didn't cause the problem. Seek marriage counseling if you really want to stay with him. If you decide to end the marriage I guarantee you will find happiness again. Good luck.

Answer 2

well I would suggest counceling, I know Iknow a lot of people think it's corny or they are afraid but it does help. If you don't want to go that far theres something called " a weekend to remember and it's a three day merriage conference that I really recommend. First of all you get away from your kids, stay at a beautiful resort and get closer to your husband. It also discusses the issues that you are going through right now and makes men realize what they do wrong and how they should improve. My husband and I went to this last weekend and for the first time we were able to talk about many of our issues in a productive way. Merriage is very important and you should try to work through any problems you have, divorce should only be an option after many trials and failures, or in an abusive relationship when someone could get hurt. You say that you think you feel bad about bringing up the affair but it was not you that coused the affair to happen, your husband should understand why you are so hurt, and try to earn your trust back in any way possible(that is if he really does care about saving the merriage... don't feel guilty you have the right to be upset... look up "A weekend to remember" online and check to see if there are conferences going to be held in your area, They are really worth it... not only that you get an awesome deal on rooms at whichever resort it's going to be held at. Don't worry you won't be in the conference all day, you'll still have time for play romance and relaxation... it was the best thing my husband and I could have done for our merriage. Good luck, and trust god to take care of yor merriage... and don't listen to people that tell you to leave, that's not what merriage is about, people can change if they have the right guidance. People who say things like that are the reason the divorce rate has gone up drastically over the last twenty years and they are the reason there are so many confused children that live without both of their parents.

Answer 3

You absolutely did NOT ruin your marriage/relationship. HE did that by cheating. You have every right to be angry and bring it up all the time (I did this with my ex and it is NOT the reason why we are not together now--it's because he wouldn't quit cheating on me and because of all of his abuse).

And guess what? If you do leave him, then you WILL find happiness elsewhere. It will take time for you to heal from the damage your husband has caused you and your family, but you CAN do it. You, like everyone else, deserve MUCH, MUCH better than what you have got. It will take courage--and lots of it--and self-esteem to leave and make it.

Only you can decide if it's right for you to leave, if you can truly forgive him (it sounds as if you haveen't done that yet, and it is one of the hardest things to do, besides leaving), if you want to work it out or start over, etc. No one else can tell you what to do; we can only give you our opinions and suggestions.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

Answer 4

First off you can find happiness away from his. He is emotionally abusing you and that shouldn't be tolerated, for you or the childrens' sake. If you want to work it out, seek counseling for both of you. It appears from what you say that he has no regard for you since he continues to cheat. You should not put up with that. You may be best off to leave him and remain on a friend basis with him so that you both can be in your childrens' lives. You are going through a period of denial and hate, neither of which are good for you or the pregnancy. Take a breather for a bit and separate to get both you and his heads straight, then look at it for answers. IF you want to work it out, counseling will be the only way for you to be able to forgive and continue. Do what is best and remember to have a support system to get you through: ie friends, family, etc. Only you know what's best for you.

Answer 5

The truth is if you can't forgive him you really shouldn't stay with him because you will be poisoning everything in your life. I am absolutely not saying that you haven't been given a reason to but what's done is done. Nothing, absolutely nothing can undo it anymore and you really have to undestand that. Also I think that maybe in your head, if you forgive him, you are afraid he will think that what he did wasn't that bad or even that wrong. This isn't true but getting to that point is so very, very hard. Whomever they belong to, you share children with him so it isn't easy to just say you are done with it but keep in mind that this is hurting them a lot. To see you so upset, to feel all the anger... Though I could say much more please know I am speaking from incredibly painful experience here.... The decision is truly yours but no matter what happens, whether you stay or go, know that letting it go is to your ultimate benefit and also your babies....

Answer 6

You did not ruin your marriage, he did by cheating. Leave him, but stop getting into relationships at least for a while. Stop having children is the main thing. They are direct ties to relationships and uprooting them all the time is extremely hard on them. Getting used to different men, understanding they all have diffenerent parents, and moving all the time is going to twist their minds if you keep going. 4 children with different men are difficult and painful situations already (not the kids themselves) so stop adding more to the load

Answer 7

No way would I stay and with him cheating he is not a good example for your children anyways
you say if you leave you wont find happiness but you dont seem very happy anyway so what diffrence would it make.
Besides if you dont have him his girlfriends and std's to worry about you might be a lot happier.

Answer 8

You have not ruined your marriage. If he has been cheating on you all along, wouldn't call that much of a marriage to begin with. Leave. You do not have happiness with your husband now.

Answer 9

Dearest Francis,

You have fallen into the same trap that many, many women fall into and now..it appears you are stuck in that trap. This is a pattern you have obviously been following if you have two other children from two other "relationships". Its harsh but you asked. You have little or no self-worth. I only wish I could ask you some questions..but it appears that you get your validation from your partner..or are trying to and its not working. Why? Cuz you are attaching yourself to lame *** men who can't commit, be strait or stay supportive in loving, nurturing relationships. This is what you have come to expect that you deserve and so have not perserved you or your precious children for better. He abandoned the marriage by stepping out on you for 3 years with a known quanity. This wasn't some little moment of weakness one time occurance..this was a deliberate ongoing planned deception. I'm guessing that there has never been a healthy male role model or relationship in your life. Perhaps even issues with your own father to some degree or another. So now..here you are neck deep in kids..gonna pass the same thing on to them. Boys will be treating their woman like momma was done and the girls will line up to tread upon as well. So..am I making you feel worse about yourself? Why? Why do you feel like you have "ruined" your marriage? Did you cheat? No...everything you feel, think and react to is perfectly valid. He betrayed you and now he's all about making you feel guilty cuz you can't get over it. Dear Francis, I wouldn't just get over it...I'd get out of it. Ah..money...providing for those little ones..especially yon bambino in yon tummy...I know women (I'm a social worker) who have numerous kidlets to support cuz they've done the same thing..sold themselves short whlie the "daddies" either leave, get jailed, or other wise the women wise up and haul *** out of the relationship of doom. What's going to happen otherwise..you gonna wake up and roll over to see that Mr. Wrong has redeemed himself and changed his evil ways and is not doing right by you and the kids..or is he still cold, defensive, absentee and only attentive when he wants a little "sumpin, sumpin"? The signs are all there...He is damaged goods and he will continue to damage you. So, plan it carefully getting all you can in order to support your kids...and load them up and go. Be in love with your children and yourself and God and He'll take care of the rest. I don't know what state you live in but I'm sure there are resources a plenty..if not..move to the town, city, county or state that will help. If you need anything further..email me. Love in Christ, ~J~ <>< P.S. You are a woman no different than any other...with abilities, gifts, strengths and thoughts...pour whats left of your life into yourself and your children wiping the slate clean however you can. No one is 100% happy and after all that is bewitching in the idea of one's happiness depending entirely on one person..it isn't so...you are the person your happiness depends on. Its all in what you THINK. I've seen it a hundred times. God bless you and your babies. Do it for them...

Answer 10

sounds like you have alot on your plate hunny. this is a dificult decision to make whether to leave or stay especially when you have children involved. well my sugestion to you is maybe think about marriage counsling if you can get your husband to go. if he refuses then you may have no other choice but to leave the situation. also from experience sometimes it`s not healthy for yourself or your children. think about whats in the best interest of yourself and your kids. good luck to you.