Should, and how, can I still respect my father?

Question

My father opted to pull child support from my family 2 years ahead of time [after years of my mother not enforcing the yearly increases nor demanding college tuition which was supposed to be split 50-50 between the parents (but instead 3/4 came from a student loan in my name)], claiming he "resented" having to "pay for me". He claims he has money problems yet is taking a trip to North Carolina this summer with his girlfriend (while our family hasn't been on a vacation for 14 years). I see him maybe six times a year for a few hours at a time and he never exchanges any more words than necessary to talk about the weather, and has all but disowned me.

Yet Father's Day is coming up and I am expected to participate when I do not even see this man as my father. Should I respect him just because he's my dad? I mean being a father doesn't mean you're a parent. And how can I still respect him after all of this? I've spent 20 years without a father figure.

Answer 1

Tough one. I'm 49 and having a hard time dealing with my aging parents, especially remembering the times that they wouldn't help with my college education.

As far as your father, I suggest that you try to maintain some sort of relationship with him. Maybe he will come around some day and see what he's done. If you cut him out of your life he can use that as an excuse to ignore you and your family, thinking that "They really don't want me anyway." Perhaps being at least cordial to the man will gnaw at his conscious. Even if it doesn't, you will know that you tried your best.

Answer 2

Sounds like you already know the answer to this one...

You didn't say who is expecting you to participate in Father's Day - him or your mother? You are at an age where you can look at things from a different perspective, so maybe it's time you ask them for honest answers. Based on your details, it sounds as though he won't have a valid explanation for why he ran away from responsibility instead of being a real man, and (unfortunately) he probably never will. On the other hand, there may be a reason he left, and you may need to be prepared to hear things about the past that could alter your perception of the world - sometimes that happens, so keep it in mind before you open that can of worms.

If you choose to dissent, then I strongly recommend doing so with respect and self control. It's an emotional topic for you, of course, but as soon as you allow the emotions to take the lead, other people withdraw. If that happens, it will only add to the tension instead of opening up an honest dialogue.

Regardless of what you decide to do, please know in your heart that his neglect is a result of his own character flaws, and have nothing to do with you. I know you cognitively are aware of this fact -- I just want you to truly believe it to your core. And don't be ashamed or feel guilty for "resenting" having to participate in Sperm Donor Day -- it's a natural reaction.

I wish you all the best!

Answer 3

It is entirely up to you and what your conscience tells you, but I would have to say that after 20 years of seeing your father for a few hours at a time, I wouldn't consider him my father either. Just because you're blood-related doesn't mean you HAVE to love him, no matter what. I would just forget about him, but then again I am not in your situation, and I don't know if that would be hard for you or not. How could you possibly have an enjoyable Father's Day for both when it sounds to me like neither of you want to be there?

Answer 4

You seem a little bitter. You are 20 years old, not a kid. Your mother has done a number on you...making money the issue between you and your father. Why do you think he doesn't see you? Do you think he doesn't want to? No and No. I see this over and over. Your mother has alienated you from your father. How do you expect your father to be bonded to you when he was never allowed to. Curious you don't see him much but you know he is going on vacation. (Bet your mom told you). If you want to be petty about a 50cent card you can pick up at the dollar store plus the 37cent stamp, then be that way and go on with your life. (Who in the world is expecting you to participate?)Father's day is not about respect it is simply a Hallmark day to say "Thanks dad for making me".

Answer 5

If you can get past your anger at your father then you will not only be wise but happier. You are totally right-on with your remark that your parents are obligated to earn the respect of the title of father and mother. If your father was not directly involved in your parenting then he will of course have to put some overtime in to earn that respect from you. If he does not see the value in helping you pay for college then you are better off seeking your "father figure" else where. A college professor of mine was probably as valuable in that role as was my real father. Father's day is a Hallmark holiday...forget about it. Love your mother.

Answer 6

Hey,
You have every right to be angered and disappointed in your "father". You need to let him know how you feel in a respectable way. Once you cleared the air. If he doesn't change or if he disrespects you wash your hands from the situation. You will suffer the most if you keep your bitterness inside. Your an adult now and you don't have to do whats "expected" of you if it make you uncomfortable. You should start by telling your mom how you feel. Best wishes!

Answer 7

I wouldn't expect you to respect him. Respect must be earned. A lot of parents make the mistake of thinking their kids should respect them simply because they're parents. Being a good dad or mom takes a lot of work and sacrifice and it is such parents that deserve respect.

My dad's a total loser. I don't respect him but I love him. Try to look at it that way; you don't 'owe' your dad anything, but you're a better person than him so will love him and treat him as you'd like to be treated. Trust me, you'll feel better for rising above his level.

Answer 8

I don't think you should respect him artificially. He evidently has done nothing to deserve your respect. Quite the contrary. If I were you I wouldn't lie to everyone and yourself by participating in what to you is clearly a meaningless ritual.

That said, I wouldn't completely shut the door on him either. Though you shouldn't fake liking him when he's acting like a jerk, I'd be willing to forgive if he asked for it and sincerely promised to change.

Till then, though, be honest with yourself and others. It may cause unpleasantness, but telling the truth sometimes does.

Answer 9

It's very difficult for me to answer such a personal question without knowing you, but I'm going to be honest and hope I don't offend you. Here's my take. First of all, it sounds to me as though your dad is at a stage in his life in which he is in denial about his responsibilities- and feelings- toward you as his son. I cannot imagine not feeling rejected and hurt by his behavior, and you have every right to question your participation in Father's Day. However, I do think that his behavior is a stage that will eventually end, and I wonder what will become of you until it does- and what will happen to your relationship with him when he snaps out of it.

Here's the thing: this relationship is currently hurting two parties, both you and him. At the moment, it is you who is feeling the majority of the pain. It will continue to hurt you as long as you hold onto it, and you will have to live through every day of your life with the weight of those conflicting feelings about your dad. Not only does that threaten your happiness and your relationships with loved ones, it's also a terrible burden to carry. Furthermore, when your dad finally comes around, and I truly believe that he will, I think that your relationship with him may be damaged beyond repair.

This may sound terribly callous, but I think that although you do not have the ability to control your dad's actions, you do have the ability to accept them and him. I know that may sound preposterous, given his irresponsibility and negligence as a father, but if you can accept him as a human being and manage to forgive him for being a shitty dad to you, he won't be able to hurt you anymore. You don't have to respect him as a father, but at least you don't have to live with the weight of resenting your dad for the rest of your life and his.

He may not be your parent, but he is your father. One of these days, he is going to come around, and for his sake, I hope that you will have made peace with his failings as a dad by then. Father's Day may be a perfect opportunity for you to look at him for what he is: an imperfect human being who has made mistakes. I can guarantee that he does not intend to hurt you; in fact, he probably acts the way he does because he does not know how to handle his own feelings. Your father is a part of you, but his status as (forgive me!) an immature asshole can be beneficial to you. Perhaps you can not only learn from his mistakes and not repeat them, but also learn what I have found to be the most redeeming and enlightening lesson of my life: how to feel compassion for someone who has hurt you. If you can forgive his failings, you have just freed yourself from the burden of this painful relationship.

Answer 10

there is no law that states you have to respect this man. sounds like he has done nothing to earn your respect. in fact, it sounds as if he should be begging you for the time of day to talk to him. don't spend your time, efforts, or money on him, since apparently he doesn't want to spend any of his on you. Father's Day is a holiday to celebrate the men in our lives that have led us to the people we have become, and to show honor and respect to them. it wasn't invented for "sperm donors," with no disrespect to you, is what your father sounds like. from what you have said, he sounds like he only considers you a squirt in a cup at the sperm bank. don't worry about showing this man any respect until he gives you reason to. otherwise, you're just wasting your time trying to fix something that he obvisously wants broken. hang in there.