How can parents relate to their teens?

Question

I have a 14 year old and I notice a gap starting to form as she becomes her own person (as she should). I've read posts from others with similar problems, so I'm wondering if there are folks out there who've successfully made the transition (from parent/protector/teacher-in-charge to parent/friend-at-your-side) and can offer pointers to the rest of us. I'd love it if people of all ages would chime in on this, to help me collect some new ideas and perspectives.

Thank you for helpful advice,
~Tia~
Live from the big, purple brain
http://advision.webevents.yahoo.com/asktheplanet/brain.html

Answer 1

My advice...I have a daughter that is the same age...and we discuss everything! Remember when your mother would say...well when I was your age? Share the things you did and tell her what your mistakes were...make sure she knows that you understand that times are different for them...we understand some things they go through...but not all. Don't judge her based on her mistakes...but support her when she does make mistakes...and she will. Remember to love her. Don't try to live vicariously through her, but live life with her health, happiness and well being in mind!

Answer 2

Parents should not be friends with their daughters/sons until they are older (18 and up) because they 1. need a parent more than they need a friend (if you try to become their friend, you're more than likely not going to be a parent and guide them) 2. they are not ready for that kind of mature relationship. They NEED a parent, not a friend!! My mother tried to be a friend to me and my siblings, and she ended up pushing her parenting skills on the back burner and smoking pot with us and letting us smoke and drink. I am not saying that you would do that, but I was 11 at the time remind you ( I am 17 now). She finally realised that she needed to become a parent, and I am thankful. When she finally realised that she needed to be a parent and not a friend, she guided me in the right direction and made me a better person. Me and my mom talk a lot and I tell pretty much everything. I like the trust issue. A few weeks ago I went to a graduation party and I told her (right when I got home ) that I had some mix. I believe that communication is key with a daughter/mother (son/father or whatnot) relationship. So my point is, you can try to relate to your daughter, but make sure you are a parent first friend second.

Answer 3

I think shopping can be a great equalizer. Also getting your hair done at the same time/ salon or getting manicures and pedicures together. Sports, although a mainstay for Dads and sons to connect, mothers and daughters can join beach volleyball together or do mountain biking. Just remember, its about spending time together, not always having to say something.

Your child will feel more comfortable around you when she has spent some more time around you in her new role as an self suffient young adult, rather than a needy child. She is re-learning how to relate to you. She doesn't need you to make her breakfast in the morning or wash her clothes or decide what to wear. She does need you to give her ideas how to tackle social situations, and deal with men. Good luck mom

Answer 4

i'm not really too sure how to help, i'll just say that it's different from person to person. like my mom for example. we get along great. we have alot of the same interests. we get along so well. we go shopping, mom will find the coolest things sometimes and wee'll pick out outfits for each other to try on. we go to rock concerts and basketball games and stuff. but my mom also lays down the laws, like a few weeks ago i got an invite to a friends house. mom said i couldn't go untill my hw was done. i didn't get my hw done. i couldn't go. my dad on the other hand, we have almost nothing in common. we don't get along as well. i talk back to him alot and we are offten at a dissagreement. the way i think of him is as demanding and controling parent. the way i think of my mom is best friend that loves you unconditionally, gives you money and won't let you do anything stupid. also my mom and i are really open. we can talk for hours on any subject. anything form music to drugs to sex and alchohal and how to prevent teen prgnancy. and she's helped me word how to turn down a guy who asked me out and i've helped her word a resume. we are really open with each other and don't hide anything. it's great.
i don't know if this helped. i hope it did.

Answer 5

well, i dont have any kids, so i havent made the transition you have, that from being a kid to being a parent. but since you have, you just have to stand back and realize that you really cant do what you want to do, its not a new thing, im sure my parents wondered the same thing, and their parents did too. You should keep your fingers crossed and do what needs to be done, and she will love you again in 4 years when she moves out on her own.

Answer 6

get a really good poker face, that way when they do open up to you, no matter how shocked you are, your face doesn't show it. I make myself available, admit to my mistakes and ask gentle but probing questions. I know when too much is too much and back off. Give 'em some rope and when the water gets too choppy, they'll ask you to pull them back in.

One book I just read sums it up nicely, You are not her enemy. She is not your enemy. But both of you are a convienient target for anger and frustration, no matter how misplaced it is. Take a deep breath, say a prayer and you'll get through the teen years and remember them together later

Answer 7

i will tell you what helped me with my transition, was when i started to drive a school bus with high school kids on it. they would confide in me about their problems they had at school and home, and i would remember how they felt and would talk to my kids and i started to treat them like my students on the bus, but i still was mom.

i let them know they could talk to me about anything they needed to talk to me. i would give my opinion and listen to their opinion and tell them how i felt and not scream at them because they were discussing that subject.

i used to be so shy when i started to drive the school bus i could not even say the word condom. until one of my students brought one on the bus with their health book, i was also in shock when i saw the pictures in the health book, it looked like the real thing. the kids saw i was embarrassed when i saw the books pictures and the condom. they opened the book put it against the window and would not remove it from the window until i said the word condom. that was the ice breaker for understanding the teenagers better.

my kids are boys 19, 20, 25, and 1 girl 24

grandkids boys 7, 1, and girls 3, 4 and a boy on the way

Answer 8

I am 14, and from my perspective, this is how it is. It is hard for kids like us to talk to their parents. SOmetimes we want to, but something holds us back. I don't understand why, but thats just the way it is. Find some way to coax your 14 yr old into saying what you want them to say, but do get all up in there face. And don't try to do to much with them. That just creeps us out.

Answer 9

My daughter is going to be 16 and always try to let her know that I am here for her to talk to if she needs me. There are times she does not take me up on it, but there are the times that she will and it is pretty private stuff. I try not to get mad at her when she is trying to tell me something she did or a decision she is having trouble making. I try to stay subjective and help her through. Don't get me wrong, I don't let her walk all over me. There are times I tell her I am your Mom and some times it won't be easy being my daughter, but I will always love you.

Good luck to you

Answer 10

create an open environment where your teen can freely express what she is feeling and undergoing. listen to her issues, and ask her back what she think she should do or how she think she should act. instead of correcting her answer, suggest an answer which you think will be beneficial for her. be involved in her life but make her understand that you are there as a mom, an advisor and most of all as a friend.