What's the funniest joke you heard last week?

Answer 1

A bloke is sitting by his car at the side of the road looking unhappy.

A passer-by sees his glum face and asks what the problem is. "I've locked myself out of my car" replies the man.

"That's not a problem" replied the passer-by, "Step out of the way and let me try rubbing my bum on the door".

The motorist is a bit perplexed, but reckons there's no harm in it letting the man try - it might be worth a laugh.

The passer-by turns his bum to the car and slowly rubs it up and down the driver's door. Suddenly, the lock opens and the passer-by turns and opens the car door.

"That's amazing!" says the motorist, "How did you do it?"

"It's easy" replies the pedestrian...








"I'm wearing khaki trousers."

Answer 2

The Magician and The Parrot


A magician worked on a cruise ship.
The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem:
The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or, "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything.
It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... and then 2 days .. and then 3 days .

Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said ..... "OK, I give up. Where's the f__kin' ship?"

Answer 3

This guy Bud gets arrested for murder. He is a really nasty bastard and the cops have been after him for a long time. He finally gets his due and the judge sends him away for life. When he gets to the prison the warden introduces himself and tells Bud that he doesn’t think Bud is all that mean and nasty and he is going to put him in his place because this is the warden’s prison. The warden tells Bud that he will be sharing a cell with Sandpaper Sammy. Bud is then taken and thrown into his cell with Sandpaper Sammy. Bud, being the tough guy, informs Sandpaper Sammy that he is in charge and tells Sammy to bend over the bunk and spread his a** because he needs some relief. Sandpaper Sammy, being just a little to into the idea, immediately rolls onto the bunk and tells Bid to climb on. Bud starts humping away on Sandpaper Sammy but it hurts like hell. He starts yelling at Sammy that he now knows why they call him that and he just can’t take the pain. Sammy tells Bud he has an idea and to close his eyes and wait a minute. Bud says okay and waits for a minute while Sammy moves around doing something. Sammy then tell Bud to give it a try now. Bud gets back on and it is so soft and smooth he can’t believe how good it feels and he is just loving it. He finally can’t take it any more and asks Sandpaper Sammy what he did to make it so smooth. Sandpaper Sammy looked over his shoulder at Bud and said…I just popped all the zits and let the puss floooooooow down.

Answer 4

There were three couples trying to get into the church. There was the retired couple, a middle-aged couple, and the newlywed couple. In order to get into the church, they could not have sex for two weeks.

Two weeks later, the priest asked each couple how they did. The retired couple said that their love life had been dead for years, so they were allowed into the church. The middle-aged couple said it was hard for the first week, but they managed it, so they were allowed into the church.

The priest then asked the newlywed couple how they did.

Guy-It was all going good till she dropped the paint can.
Priest-The paint can?
Guy-Ya when she bent over to pick it up I have to do here right then and there.
Priest-Well then im sorry, you arent allowed in this church.
Guy-Thats all right, we arent allowed in Home Depot anymore either!!!!

Answer 5

George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on
Air Force One.
The President looks at the Vice President, chuckles, and
says, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."
The Vice President shrugs and says, "Well, I could throw 10
$100 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."
Not to be outdone, the Secretary of Defense says, "Of course,
then, I could throw 100 $10 bills out the w indow and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such
arrogant asses back there. Hell, I could throw the three of them out the window and make 56 million people unbelievably happy."

Answer 6

The Old Maid

There was once a lonely old maid, her only companion was her dear beloved tom cat. One day the old woman decides to go to the attic and give it a good cleaning. She and the loyal tom cat are working away when she finds a lamp, Hum she says this could be nice, so she begins to polish the lamp.....POOF.... out pops a genie. He tells the old woman, "I can grant you one wish."
She doesn't' t hesitate and tells him, "i wish my tom cat was a tall dark handsome man." POOF.... the cat becomes the most handsome man ever! He takes the woman in his arms gazes lovingly in to her eyes and says............"Now don't you wish you hadn't had me nurtured."

Answer 7

There was a cucumber, a pickle and a penis. They had a conversation and the cucumber said my life is sh*t. When I get big, hard and juicy, they chop me up and toss me into a salad. The pickle said well, when I get big, fat, hard and juicy, they chop me up and toss me into vinegar. The penis said when I get like that, they put a rubber tent over my head, stick me into a dark room and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and faint!!

Answer 8

A man gets stranded on an island all by himself. So after a while, this guy starts craving sex really badly. There's no one else on the island but him. But one day, he sees this goat and he thinks about screwing the goat. Days go by and he finally decides to do it. So he walks up behind the goat and gets ready to screw it, but just as he is about to, a dog runs out from the trees and bites his leg. Now the guy has to wait to heal. After he heals his leg, he gets ready to screw the goat again, but the dog bites his leg again.

This goes on for about a year until one day this supermodel washes up on the island with him.

"I'm so glad to see you! I've been so horny on this island!" the guy says

"Oh great, me too." the supermodel says.

Then the guys says to her, "Listen do me a favor, go grab that dog, I'm going to find that goat!"

Answer 9

Two rats in a sewer - been eating 5hit all day.

The one rat says to the other rat "I'm sick of eating 5hit all day"
"Cheer up" says the other rat "We're on the pi55 tonight !"

Answer 10

Two ladies sitting on a park bench.
Smuggly Lady one to Lady two: "When me and my husband got married he bought me a new house."
Lady two to lady one flatly: "That's nice"
Lady one boasts again: "When we had our first child he bought me a new car"
Lady two still flat: "That's nice"
Lady one smiling wide: "When we celebrated our first wedding anniversary he took me on a Hawaiian cruise"
Lady two still not interested: "That's nice."
Lady one puzzled: "Well, we have passed all the same mile stones ...so what did your husband buy you?"
Lady two not skipping a beat: "He bought me a therapist so that when somebody brags I can say "That's nice" instead of "Who gives a ****!"