whats the best joke you can think of??????

Question

im really bored and i wanna laugh. i heard when you laugh u loose 5 calories and it adds 5 second to your life

Answer 1

The Old Maid

There was once a lonely old maid, her only companion was her dear beloved tom cat. One day the old woman decides to go to the attic and give it a good cleaning. She and the loyal tom cat are working away when she finds a lamp, Hum she says this could be nice, so she begins to polish the lamp.....POOF.... out pops a genie. He tells the old woman, "I can grant you one wish."
She doesn't' t hesitate and tells him, "i wish my tom cat was a tall dark handsome man." POOF.... the cat becomes the most handsome man ever! He takes the woman in his arms gazes lovingly in to her eyes and says............"Now don't you wish you hadn't had me nurtured."

Answer 2

Hi, Honey, this is Daddy; Pick Up

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh, yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy right now."

**Brief Pause**

"Uh, okay then. This is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it, Daddy."

"And what happened, honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on, and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser, and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh, my gosh!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared, and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool, and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??...Is this 486-5731??"

Answer 3

An American and a Japanese were sitting on the
plane on the way to LA, when the American turned
to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of "-ese"
are you ?".

The Japanese, confused and replied, "Sorry but I
don't understand what you mean."

The American repeated, "What kind of "-ese" are
you ?".

Again, the Japanese was confused over the
question.

The American, now irritated, then yell, "What
kind of -ese are you ?? Are you a Chinese,
Japanese, Vietnamese, etc..."

The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I'm a Japanese!".

A while later, the Japanese turned to the American
and asked, "What kind of "-key" are you ?"

The American, frustrated, yelled, "What you mean
what kind of "-key" I am ?".

The Japanese said, "Are you a monkey, donkey or a
Yankee ?"

Answer 4

It's after dinner when John realizes he's out of cigarettes. He decides to pop
down to the local bar for a pack, telling his wife he'll be right back. The
bartender offers him a cold beer on the house and he decides he has time for
just one. He's nursing it when a gorgeous blond comes in the door, but he
looks the other way. She comes right over to him and sits down. One thing
leads to another and she ends up inviting him back to her apartment.
Back at her place they "Go at it" like crazy", and their passions take over. And the
next thing John knows is that it's four o'clock in the morning. Jumping out of
bed, he shakes the girl awake and asks if she has any baby powder.
"Yeah, in the bathroom cabinet," she says still half asleep. He dusts his hands,
drives home at ninety miles per hour, and pulls into the driveway to find his wife
waiting up for him with a rolling pin in her hand.
"So WHERE have you been?" she screams.
"Well, you see honey," John stammers, "I only went out for cigarettes, but Jake
offered me a beer and then this beautiful blonde walked in and we got to talking
and drinking and she invited me back to her place..."
"Wait a minute," snapped his wife. "Let me see your hands," as she eyed the
whiteness of his fingertips.
Turning on him furiously, she says, "Don't you EVER try lying to me again, you
rotten little twit...you've been bowling again!"

Answer 5

Victoria beckham goes up to heaven and sees 100000000000s of clocks and asks god whats with all these clocks god says every time a man plays with his cock 5 Min's will fall off his life expectancy she says well wheres my David's god says its up here were using it as a fan

Answer 6

I have some dogs joke for you!
1. What is a pupp's favorite drink?
A pupsi! (Get it? Pepsi. pupsi?)
2. What is a boy dog or a girl dog called?
A boy called cool dog and girl called hotdog.

Answer 7

men r like diapers there always on your @ss and full of $hit

Answer 8

knock knock whos there skelton skeleton who skeleton you.