Any good jokes?

Question

I'm looking for something that will make me laugh my *** off. 10 points to the best one

Answer 1

ANGER MANAGEMENT 101


When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know -- take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying, "Hello."

I politely said, "Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
I realized I had called the wrong number.
I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her.
I had accidentally transposed the last two digits of her phone number.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an a_s_s_hole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks,when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a_s_s_hole!"
It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'a_s_s_hole' calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company.
I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?"

He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a_s_s_hole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for... I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for that spot.
The idiot ignored me.
I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so, I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first a_s_s_hole ( I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW a_s_s_hole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?", I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an a_s_s_hole."

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two a_s_s_holes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as
it used to be.
So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an a_s_s_hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen..."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a_s_s_hole."

Then I called A_s_s_hole #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, a_s_s_hole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are...!"

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your a_s_s," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, a_s_s_hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.

When I got there, I saw two a_s_s_holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and the channel 13 news crew.

NOW, I feel better -

This is "Anger Management" at its very best

Answer 2

How to make a woman happy.....

It's not difficult. To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate


WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls


AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:


50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes


IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
to never forget:

* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes



HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:



1. Feed him
2. **** him

3. Shut the **** up.

Answer 3

Things to do in an elevator:

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.

5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day your day been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, They open up again."

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, Got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other
passengers, "This is my personal space!"

27.) ask "excuse me, my butt itching, can anyone scratch it for me?" (you are holding things in your two hands)

28.) Turn against the wall and start talking to the wall.

29.) Look at your "invisivle" watch, and take your wrist and ask one of the people "Is this time right?"

30.) Start hummong really loudly like you are meditating "UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...

31.) start doing jumping jacks.

32.) Look at your hand and say out load "woooooow, coool" and wave your hand at the people and say "isn't it wow and cool?"

33.) Sit on the floor and close your eyes, and start snoring really loudly.

34.) Look suddenly at the floor of the elevator and start screaming at the "invisible" squirrel.

==============================...

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1.) Take the Powder and apply it to your @$$

2.) Rinse

3.) and wait

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Remember, its very limited so call now!! at 1-800-butt-stink
or go to www.stinkbutt.com

Answer 4

who am i?

This useful tool is commonly found in the range of 8 inches long.
The function of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes. It is usually found hung,
dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boast a clump of little hairy things at one end and
a small hole at the other.
In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm
fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in
succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found
listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well
lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white
substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and
some from its long glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing
liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet
another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax two or three times a day, but often
much less.
What AM I???
As you may have already guessed, the answer to the riddle is none other than
........
your very own ........
...........TOOTHBRUSH!!!!!!

Answer 5

WHY MEN HAVE BETTER FRIENDS

Women's friends: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The husband called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew what she was talking about.

Men's friends: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed he was still there.

Answer 6

The Old Maid

There was once a lonely old maid, her only companion was her dear beloved tom cat. One day the old woman decides to go to the attic and give it a good cleaning. She and the loyal tom cat are working away when she finds a lamp, Hum she says this could be nice, so she begins to polish the lamp.....POOF.... out pops a genie. He tells the old woman, "I can grant you one wish."
She doesn't' t hesitate and tells him, "i wish my tom cat was a tall dark handsome man." POOF.... the cat becomes the most handsome man ever! He takes the woman in his arms gazes lovingly in to her eyes and says............"Now don't you wish you hadn't had me nurtured."

Answer 7

fun puns:

so a pirate walks into a bar and he has a stearing wheel on his crotch. The pirate goes to get a drink form the bartender when she asks "why do you have a stearing wheel on you crotch?" and the pirates looks down and says, "yar...i don't know but it would be driving me nuts"

dark humor:

a child molester and a little boy were walking at night ime in a scary forest. The kid is shaking and looks up at him and says, "i am so scared" timidly. and the child molester looks at the kid and goes "YOUR SCARED??? i am the one who walks back alone!"

your momma:

your momma so stupid she asked me what kind of jeans i was wearing and i said guess so she said levi

your momma so stupid she bought a solar powered flashlight.

P.S. i hear chuck norris likes to crochet blankets. and by crochet i mean kick....and by blankets i mean babies.

Answer 8

Little johnny went to visit his grandparents on a cold winter day.
He saw his grandfather sitting outside in the cold weather with his pants down.

Hey grandpa. What are you do doing??????
Hi johnny. well yesterday i was sitting outside in the rain and I got a stiff neck. Today this is your grandma's idea !!!!!!

Answer 9

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff
one - just had another fight with the little woman."
Oh yeah?"said Charlie "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken shhit".

Answer 10

Hear about the gay midget?

He came out of the cabinet.