Am I over reacting?

Question

I discovered that a man that is friends with my ex and friends with her parents has been visiting my children while I have been at work (she has been at work too) and buying my son gifts. I phoned her to ask what was going on. (when I met this man he was in his 40's and openly having a sexual relationship with a 17 year old). She was not there but by a coincidence this man (who also works with my ex) answered the phone. So I told him that it was actually him I wanted to speak to and why was he buying my son presents.

His reply was "what has it got to do with you"? Either he is grooming my son to impress my ex or he is grooming him for something more sinister. I then asked him if he was a paedophile and he threatened to kill me. My ex was a little upset with me but not everso, but my mother in law almost went beserk at me. (it was her house that this man had been using to groom my child).

Is it reasonable of me to ask that he never be allowed to buy my son gifts again?

The absolute last thin in the world I want to do is upset my ex. (the kids mum) The kid is 3 and we also have a young daughter of 20 months

The boy is three

Answer 1

i understand your concearn, i would do the same thing and no i dont think your over reacting, theres alot of sick people these days , keep close eye i was molested as a kid by a neighbor who everybody thought he was the nicest person,thank god i told my teachesr at school, because my mother didnt believe me, at the end he was convicted, he had raped 4 girls around the neighborhood!!! look i have 2 girls and i dont trust no one with them !!! the only thing i see is that your comming to strong talk more relax and let them know how u feel good luck!!

Answer 2

I would definitely be concerned if I were you. Considering he is dating a 17 year old and his reaction to you inquiry. I would try to talk to your ex and find out why she thinks this is okay. Your mother-in-law should not be getting angry about you trying to protect your children and neither should your ex. I can see them telling you it is innocent but I can't see how they can justify anger at the concern, considering some of the things that happen to children all around us. I would also contact someone and inform them about the death threat the guy made to you and include the information the he is 40+ years old dating a 17 year old. This is illegal in any state it is considered statutory rape if they are having sex since he is WAY over the allowed 24 months age difference for the age of consent prior to 18 years. As for your son I pray that it is just innocent and nothing sinister but be wary and continue to look out for those kids. Hopefully your ex is smart enough to realize that a 40 year old man has no business buying gifts for a 3 year old because he feels like it, especially if he is not related to the child.

Answer 3

You know this might be related to the pinching thing??

do you live in the UK? I dont know the laws anywhere else, but if you were married when the child was born, or if you are on the birth cert as father (after a particular date,, might be 2004, cant remember) then you have parental responsibility, therefore you have a say in who sees your child and who doesnt.

i can understand you dont want to 'upset' your ex, but your child's welfare is more important than that. what is her relationship with this bloke? friends, potential love interest? unfortunately, most children get abused by the 'family friend' or 'kindly uncle figure' in the street or who visits and is 'so good with children'. im not trying to scaremonger but i see it every day in my job. anyway regardless of that, even if he has no ill intent, its important that his influence is as a good role model for your son and that his ideas about how children should behave is as you and your partners ideas

Answer 4

Ichybeard, go with your gut. If you are concerned, speak with the police, your ex, and her parents. I think you should tell them what you know about this man and that you are concerned for your son.

Do everything you can to find out more about this man.

I'm not sure about the laws in England, but this man would be considered a sex offender in the United States because he had sexual relations with a person under the age of 18.

Is your son behaving normally? Common signs of abuse are nightmares, not wanting to be alone, regressing, eating problems, aggressiveness, bed wetting, and withdrawing from activities that he normally would enjoy (to list a few). Talk with his daycare provider and make certain there have been no changes in his behavior. I'm sure you know this but children are more often abused by family members and close friends of the family.

Talk with your son about appropriate and inappropriate touching. You may want to tell him that if someone tries to touch him in a way that makes him feel “bad” or “funny” to tell you or his mother. Explain to him that his body is his body and it is okay if he does not want someone touching it. I get so angry at people when they force their child to hug or kiss an adult. It pushes them to do something they do not feel comfortable with and teaches them to do something an adult says to do even if they do not like it. I often tell a story to my preschool students that I once had an uncle who would tickle me and would not stop when I told him “No!” I tell them that when I told my mom she talked with him and he stopped.

Do you think he is buying your son gifts to impress your ex? He may just like you son because he is friends with his mother and parents. He may just like children and not have any ulterior motives or feel sorry for him because you and his mother are no longer together...maybe.

I think it is best to play it safe. You can tell this man or your ex that you are not comfortable with him buying your son gifts. I feel you should also tell your ex and his parents that you do not feel comfortable with this man being alone with your son. He is your son too and it is your right! xxx

Answer 5

You didn't say how old your child was, but it is absolutely reasonable for you to firmly insist that this man have absolutely no contact with your son.

Your first concern should be the safety of your child, not whether you will upset your ex-wife or your ex-mother-in-law.

Answer 6

you are by no means overreacting... not sure where your from but there is a web sight in the USA to find out if the man is a sexual preditor... www.familywatchdog.us.com... i think. got it off of Dr phil. discovered there was a pedophile .03 miles from my home... needless to say, kid has no life because of this.. she can not go outside unless someone is there at all times.. feel bad for my kids because some one decided to be a pervert... is there any way you could get your kids.. plead to the judge your concern

Answer 7

If your ex will listen, explain to her what you know about this man's history. Ask that she use caution, and not allow him to be alone with your children. If your ex is a sensible person, she should know this is not someone she wants around the children, and will put a stop to any interaction, especially if she cannot be present to supervise.

Answer 8

You have a right to know who is involved with your children. You can do a background check for very little money on him online. Check him out. Check your court papers as well if you have any regarding visitation and/or custody.

Answer 9

Th hell with your wife, she is your ex, the kids are yours. Think of the kids welfare and future. I would however get the law on my side by getting information and evidence, by any means possible legal or illegal, of this guy's behavior and actions. The throw the dogs at him.

Answer 10

The only thing that should concern you is the safety of your child. Make sure that you know, that you know that your child is safe. If you can determine that then ce'st la vie! Good Luck by the way!