Why do people ask such hurtful questions about twins right in front of them-ex. which one is the smart one?

Question

It seems as if people want to categorize twins contantly. Common questions and comments are part of life for us now and we are happy to answer appropriate, non-judegemental questions...but why do some (many) insist on trying to "size up" such small children?

Answer 1

I think that it is ignorance, some people don't realize how smart young children are. They hear and understand everything, so it is very important not to let anyone label them as smart or not smart, pretty or not pretty, etc. I would reply " they are both, unbelievably, brilliant and beautiful!!"Say that everytime one does something brilliant, the other does something that is equally brilliant. Because, basically, all children will amaze you if given the opportunity to shine in their personal way. Never underestimate the ability of any child as all are special in their own way. Never let anyone destroy that in any child or that child will become what is expected of them, good or bad.

Answer 2

People that ask inappropriate questions are ignorant and insensitive to the feelings of others. I would answer them in such a way as to let them know their question was hurtful. In example I would answer the question, "Which of the twins is smarter?" by asking if the person posing the question had ever studied child psychology. If the response was, "Yes" I would tell that person to go back to school and/ or declare they must have failed the subject miserably! If the response was, "No" I would tell that person it was obvious they did not and they should make an effort to do so..

Answer 3

I think it will help your sanity to just let it roll off your back. Explain to your kids that part of what's so special about being a twin is how unique a situation it is. People don't mean to be so thoughtless, they've just never had the pleasure of knowing a set of twins themselves.
That being said, it doesn't hurt to have a stock answer handy for any foreseeable stupid questions.
My husband and I are brunettes and have red headed kids, a boy and girl not twins, and get stupid questions and comments everywhere we go, every single time. The worst being when it's just the kids and me...."Daddy must have red hair", to which the kids respond "No!" and I get THE LOOK...like I slept with the mailman...from complete strangers. The kids are too young to see it now, but they will.
Our most common question is, "where'd you get the red hair?" It's a well intentioned question, I know they don't expect a lecture in genetics, nor do they have any right to ask the details of our family's genepool. My kids have learned their stock answer..."it came with my head".
In your case and mine, people are just drawn to the uniqueness of the kids and don't see the intricacies of what they imply with their questions and we probably take the comments more personally than we should. A rehearsed and thoughtful answer should get that point across and make those people realize what they just asked and avoid repeating it with someone else in the future.

Answer 4

Many people are pretty dopey. Maybe they weren't raised properly. Or maybe they just plain aren't that bright. You need to go home and practice your exaggerated "eye roll" that you automatically give to that kind of insensitive lout of a question.

If it happens as often as you indicate, then you would also benefit from preparation of some snappy one-liner come-backs, like, "They're both too smart to ever ask a rude question like that." Or maybe polish up some gentle admonishments, for instance "My children are equally gifted in different ways." or "That's a silly little question. Which one of your children is the smart one?" or maybe a totally random answer such as "Why, yes, they are beautiful and we do feel blessed. Thank you for asking" and give that answer NO MATTER WHAT the question is. That ought to get the idea across to even the thickest idiot.

And by the way-congratulations on your two wonderful children. I am sure you must just be so thankful to be doubly blessed.

Answer 5

In this world that we live in today, people have become very desensitized. People lack compassion, they just say the first thing that they think of without thinking what consequences it would have, i.e. how it would affect you or your twin emotionally. People also have many misconceptions about twins, in that one is better than the other etc. It is your job as a twin to clear up these myths and tell them that such questions are ignorant because both you and your twin are quite smart.

Answer 6

I would suggest that often times people tend to see the phenomenon before the individual. Therefore, we tend to approach or classify individuals (such as twins) as a subject of interest rather than interesting persons. This may be the case regardless of whether the line of questioning is due to true interest and curiosity, or just a programmed response for the mere sake of small talk.

Answer 7

If they ask hurtful questions like that, then they're probably trying to be funny but instead come across as being insensitive and a jerk. Sorry you gotta deal with that. Try to just brush it off though. People wonder questions like that b/c twins are neat and people wonder how they are different when they look so alike and are often extremely close. Don't let things like that bother you b/c it's not worth it. Some people just don't think before they speak or they don't realize how what they say might offend someone.

Answer 8

Lots of times, I think it is just ignorance and a lack of anything intelligent to ask.

Personally, I had twins for best friends and they were very different but very alike. I think they were lucky because their parents always treated them like seperate people and not "one". They were never referred too as "The Twins", it was always by their names or the children. They did not even get dressed in matching clothes unless, they did it themselves on purpose.

I think it is the way the parents present the children when they are young and how they interact with them that truly matters.

If someone asks you those hurtful questions, tell them that your children are both special and you are proud of them no matter what they do. [it always is a huge boost of self-esteem for a child to hear how wonderful they are from their parents in other company]

Answer 9

I think it is because some people just don't think before they open their mouth. Same concept as when people ask a pregnant woman- "Don't you know what causes that?" I also think that it is just a real fascination for a lot of people to want to know what it is like to be a twin. You seem to have risen above being bothered by the questions ( which also shows maturity), but I agree that it is/can be overwhelming for children to have to put up with the constant scrutiny. That's just people being insensitive.

Answer 10

This is very common with twins. I still go through it. People just don't understand that each child is an individual person. I worked very hard on my communications of my twins and never referred to them as twins. I also nixed anyone who started to do the comparisons. My kids didn't know they were twins until they were in school. Now at 15 and in high school most of the people they have met don't even realize they are brothers....

Answer 11

Because twins are unique and different, and most people are afraid of what they do not know. The instant reaction is to belittle what they do not understand. Also, most parents who pose such questions feel the need to defend why they do not have twins