getting comfortable with bf after childhood trauma?

Question

i had a very stressful and uncomfortable experience when i was young, it happened only once and no i was not raped, but it was enough to make me lose all trust in men. now, 10 years later, i'm in a loving relationship and my boyfriend knows about my past and is ready to take it as gradually as i want to etc. but i decided i want to take a bath with him. he's my first boyfriend and so far we didn't go past fondling, i've not yet seen him naked. i'd like to though, but i'm afraid it will bring back some traumas and that i will freak out due to my issues with trust and the male body. is there any way to make this less hard for myself? i mean, i've already talked to him about it endlessly, what else can i do to mentally "prepare"? i dont want to hurt his feelings by freaking out either!

thank you so much Mel... you really sound like you've been through it all also. i hate myself somtime for thinking like this, and my sh**ty mind feels like its out to ruin me- especially cuz i feel this man really loves me. either way, thank you. i might just email you or you can do the same at [e-mail]

Answer 1

I think that if he really loves you he will understand. Also when and if you go to do this don't just strip down to nothing right away. Take it slow, and undress each other. Then you know if you reach a certain point and you can't Handel it yet you can stop. Then you can both be comfortable at your own paces. I wish you well, and if you love him I'm sure that you can trust him.

Answer 2

Prepare? Well, you might want to keep in mind those body parts that you have seen! Also, remember what you felt like while having those "petting" sessions. You know, those feelings that make you want to jump in the tub. By the way, the tub is probably a symbol of cleanliness, which keeps the union "clean". You might want to think about a shower. You can jump in there with clothes on and go from there. Don;t forget, you are replacing a bad memory with possibly a great memory. Good wishes and go for it! Ten years ago, you got yourself out of a bad situation without getting raped, so don't be so hard on yourself. There are a lot of girls/women out there who have been through the same thing. You are not alone.

Answer 3

You sound a little young to have this to worry about. I am sorry that what ever happened, happened. Maybe take it slow, have him stay over and maybe sleep in underware, then try alittle more. I know it is hard, I am feeling your pain but you can't let this run your life, sooner or later you will have to face it. It sounds like he really cares. Just explain that you are willing to try different stuff, but if you start freaking, it has nothting to do with him and you will work on your issues. Good Luck!


dp

Answer 4

okay... now I've gone through something familiar I beleive. That's why I was with the wrong guy for 8years but he's the one that helped me thourgh it. OK..Talking about it is great. really good, If you need my email is [e-mail] My name is Mel. K
It took me forever to get over that. Im still not over it. I'm 24 and it happened when I was 12-13-14. I never got over it. I black out sometimes and freak out but he was always understanding. He was there for me. You have to trust him (ur b-friend) Thats what hes there for.. to help you thourgh it. Now you got through the hard part by talking to him about it. About the bath thing that's how we started. Its great. Do it in the dark with candles and hop in first. Then hold eachother. It helpsThink, you're not the only one.
If oyu want to talk which is good write to me. I wont write more here
xxoo
mel

Answer 5

Be careful exposing yourself in this way to a boyfriend. He has no real commitment to you. A spouse, especially a good one, is different.

In the mean time, therapy, particularly a support group of similarly affected people can help. The veterans can show you the way. You will probably always have issues with this matter, but you can put them in a place where they don't rule your life (if they do already).

Answer 6

I understand. Been there. It's hard to learn to trust again. Glad you found someone who is willing to take it slow. I found someone like that and he took it very slow. Not many guys are willing to take it that slow..

We started with the bathroom thing after talking about it for months. He had the bedroom and bathroom dark and lit with lots of vanilla and lavender candles and soft music. The bathtub was full of lots of bubbles also in the lavender scent. I slipped into the bathtub first after undressing in privacy. Then he came in wearing a towel and slipped in behind me without me seeing him unlock his towel. We just held each other for a long time with no one talking. I don't think I could have ever made it without him taking is so slow.

Answer 7

I have gone through this, and my best advice is to just try it. If he knows what happened he won't get hurt if you freak out, and him being there with you will help you realize that he is not the same guy. I know you're scared about him ending up being an object of fear to you, but it's a fear you have to experience before you get used to it. You just have to face it.

Answer 8

The best advise I can give you is to deal with what is going on with you,before you decide to do more then fondling. Get some counseling to help you over come this,so you and your boyfriend can get to that point,if you want to.

Answer 9

It will always be hard I went through a horrible child hood too and do not trust men either.If he loves you he will be patient with you. It takes us longer to bond with people.

Answer 10

if u truly love this man u will not let the past interfere with the present. there was a time in my childhood when i loved this woman and she left me.Now i let it catch up with me now i cant love anyone else.