How do I ALWAYS end up being just "the friend"??

Question

Out of all my relationships, somehow I just end up being the "cool girl "friend"" instead of the "girlfriend." All of my ex's call me for advise on their new relationships with their girlfriends, and it kills me because I never seem to be the one that ends up with the guy, I just start out with the guy...

Why does this happen to me? HELP!!!!!!

I want to thank you all for your indepth responses!! A lot of what you're saying is very understandable! I DO always try and be there for them whenever they need something, whether its a shoulder to lean on or someone to "hang with." Gah!...why didnt I see this before???

So I guess my question now is, where do I know when to draw the line on being there for him? I thought that being there for each other was a positive thing, but I guess thats how I always end up where I do. Where do I need to go from here?

Answer 1

Don't feel bad, I have the same problem. I think it's because we as woman feel that being a friend is one of the most important steps that lead to a successful relationship. The thing is, men feel that once they establish a good meaningful relationship with a woman, it's something that they do not want to jeopardize losing, especially if they value friendship. So, to avoid getting shot down or possibly losing a good friend, they play it safe, i.e. keep you as a good friend especially when they need someone to talk to about their problems.

Answer 2

Start studying your modus operandi and you will be able to solve the problem. If you change the way you confront relationships you will soon figure out why it is. For example, for us guys it's pretty easy, when you meet someone you like you have to try and start the relationship before you enter the "friend zone", which means before they start to get to know you enough to consider you as a friend and not wanting to risk a relationship. Once started a relationship it's more about priorities. For example, if what you do most of the time is talking about your feelings and sharing them, giving advice to one another, the guy is gonna start thinking you're some kind of psycological anchor and is going to try and end your relationship and stay as a friend basis so he can continur to rely on that factor. To be the "girlfriend" you might try to limit your conversation to "sweet nothings" keep him happy and support him without getting in too deep on his personal feelings or life, and maybe even getting a bit more physical if you know what I mean ;) But still anyways everyone is his own little world so try and figure out your modus operandi, check out what exactly it is you do to get them so hooked and try and change how things work out. But in the end my personal opinion is that love never lasts forever but friends do^^

Answer 3

I know that this is frustrating at the time. I was married in March, and for a long time before that, my husband found girls that he really wanted to date, but they always saw him as "just a friend." I was the opposite.... I always wanted guys to be my friend, but they were always wanting to date me instead. It was miserable, in a way, because it made it hard to trust that their friendship is sincere, instead of them just wanting something from me. Now I am really glad that I waited to find a "cool boy "friend"", instead of lowering my standards and just going with somebody who I could not relate to as well while just dating. It took a full year of being best friends before my husband and I even thought about dating each other, but we don't regret that at all. Our friendship is a wonderful part of the foundation of our marriage.

So my advice is to be patient (even though it's hard!!!) and concentrate on becoming the best you can be (in all of the ways that are important to you). That way, when you find that dream guy who likes you back, you can be ready for him at that time. Hopefully he is doing the same thing for you.

Answer 4

To you and many of the others answering. You're too nice. I had a girl tell me once that I was "no challenge" for her. Try not being there all the time for these people. You can even tell them that you already have friends, now you are looking for a relationship. Don't look too hard for romance, don't act too anxious, and you'll be surprised at the results. It worked for me! Good luck to all of you.

Answer 5

First of all, you seem to have a very caring heart, a listening ear, and are quite honest in nature. Guys may not see you for what you really are because they don't give you enough time to show them. Next time you meet a guy you like, play hard to get (with style), and give yourself more importance; guys get tipped off with that attitude and sooner or later, they'll be calling you for dates and you'll have a long list of guys to choose from.

Answer 6

Hun, i am going threw that right now too. I just have guy friends. people tell me that they will come to me and if they don't, then they don't know what there missing!! Love and having a relationship takes time, and you may not be used to it, but take it slow!

Answer 7

i guess you are a PRETENDER, be yourself and let him get the message that you are interested in him, stop playing a cool girl role, they will always think you dont need them, whereas you do, LOOSEN UP, but close your LAPS until you are sure of your two feelings!!! Good Luck

Answer 8

Maybe cause you act more as a friend than a girlfriend.

Answer 9

same here
except im the guy, and all i really get are "girl friends" nt "girlfriends".... and i have tons of those
might be the way you are approaching them
i know it is for me

Answer 10

Same here, i also feel the same like u, lets be together, if u dont mind, just mail me, its [e-mail]