BIG argument with husband, am I out of line?

Question

so my husband, me & our 1 yr old son were driving home from dinner last night when the conversation came up about people having gay kids & my hubby says that its in the way they grow up, meaning that they can be brought up gay or not brought up gay. I sternly disagree & tell him that it has nothing to do with that, just because he is a macho man who is into hunting, fishing etc.. doesnt mean that our son wouldnt have the POSSIBILITY of being gay. Then he proceeds to tell me that its wrong & he would let him know that its wrong. So I say "would you disown him?" and he says not totally but he wouldnt be allowed to bring a boyfriend over, he wouldnt go to his wedding, wouldnt be there if they were to adopt a child. Now I understand that this is all just a scenario but what I took out of it is that my hubby has "conditional" love for our son, meaning if he isnt exactly what he considers normal he wont be there for him, we havent spoken since & I am really upset. am i taking this too far?

Answer 1

I understand how this has upset you, it's obviously shown you a side of your hubby that you didn't know and are disappointed with. I also think that since this is just a scenario and not reality he's not taking it for what it is and given the actual circumstance, I'm sure he would be a little more compassionate about it. I agree with you, it's not how they grow up or what they are taught, I believe it's an urge, a feeling just like anyone would have for the opposite sex. Nothing is "normal" nowadays and you can't MAKE your son or any kid be something they don't want to be. If he starts to lecture and intentionally makes an overwhelming effort to teach your son NOT to be "gay" he may just end up making him curious, he should address it when your son asks about it, and I'm sure one day he'll hear the term in school or fomr someone and he'll ask about it. It's a delicate matter that should be taken with his best interest in mind. Approach your hubby in a very calm manner and just exlplain to him that you don't feel it's something you both need to worry about.

I hope things work out, good luck.

Answer 2

I think you are taking it too far if you are not speaking to your husband because of it. The most important thing is to talk about it, and to avoid putting the other person into a position where he has to decide now what to do if a future event happens. A 1-year-old son is a long way from knowing if he is gay or not, but he should be brought up in a home where the issue can be discussed openly without punishment.

Your husband's love for his son is not conditional, but he did not reject the possibility of your son being homosexual, only of some reservations he would have about allowing certain behaviors in his home. Your husband is way ahead of a lot of other people.

Answer 3

I've had the same argument with my boyfriend, he also feels that certain upbringings can "make" someone gay, etc etc. The issue gets very heated. I'm sure much more so for you since your child got brought into the argument...

I would drop the issue. Don't apologize of course, but just let it go and try to not think about. Many parents who have said the same thing change their tune when their child actually does turn out to be gay - it's a much different thing when it's reality and not hypothetical. It's probably hard for your hubby to really imagine his son being gay, and I'm sure his reaction is not an indication of what he would REALLY do in the situation.

Answer 4

There are many different factors that could contribute to someone becoming gay. The way a child is brought up may or may not have anything to do with it. For example, I know a couple that raised 4 children in a happy, loving , religious home and the father was very much into "manly" things such as hunting, fishing, sports, etc. The youngest son is gay. How you would handle something like this depends on your view of homosexuality. I personally believe that it is wrong and that people struggling with those types of feelings can over come them. If this were to happen to my child I would still love that child and do everything I could to help them realize that it is wrong and that they could overcome it. If they chose to continue that lifestyle I would still love them, but would not condone their lifestyle and would not allow it in my home.

Answer 5

I understand both of you. That is something that must be crossed at that time. I have a son and I will always love him and be there no matter what. I may and probably will not agree with alot of things in his life but I will be there. I believe that homosexuality is not right. It is unnatural. You do not find it anywhere in nature. The human race would die off if everyone decided they would be gay. And yes I said it, decided. It is not a "birth condition" that's an excuse. Child raising effect all other things in a persons life why not sexual orientation? Back to your question though, your husband if he loves him now ;would love him then. But just like anything else that he disagrees with, he would not be involved with that part of your son's life. It would be like if your son became a hit man, you would probably not except money from him knowing the origin.

Answer 6

yea know that if you had a daughter and she was to be gay he prob wouldnt say to much about it. But that's because society looks at gay men as being nasty and unworthly of love and attention which is wrong even if i dont agree with it. No I dont think u can turn your child gay, I do think that sometimes a person live style may have them question themselves but who doesn't at one point in there life about anything. Its normal and natural. But as far as ur husband being a man well u can't fault him for the way he was raised to think. Although I would hope in the future that if ur son was to turn gay that he wouldnt push him away that's the last thing ur son will need. I would really like to know what normal is these days. I dont think ur out of line but maybe this subject shouldnt have come up. But since it has you 2 really need to sit down and have a talk can't let something like that come between you. So you have your opinions , no one ever said you were to always think alike. And let it go. No need in worring about something so little as that.

Answer 7

I guess all married couples argue over the same subject. I too have had this argument with my husband about a month ago. We have a 4 month old son. My husband is into hunting and fishing, blah, blah, blah... I don't feel your out of line at all. I'm not sure what the deal is with our "macho" husbands. I think my husband talks a good game, he's full of ****!. Maybe your husband is too... Your child is your child no matter what and I know in my heart that my husband loves our son unconditionally just like Mama. Don't worry, your not out of line... besides your son is not gay so don't sweat it! Now go kiss and make up, life is too short to be fighting over something that hasn't even happened. Good Luck to you and your family!

"You only pass through this life once; you don't come back for an encore.""

Answer 8

Let it go for now, you have a lot of time before your son will be bringing home boyfriends or girlfriends. In that time maybe your husband will mellow and learn more and become more accepting. Recent research is showing that gay/straight brains are different, it can be seen on MRIs and CAT scans. So if it finally sinks in that like being left-handed, the boy has no choice, maybe he'll get used to it. In any case there's only a small chance your son will be gay, they're a small percentage of the population. The issue is in the media so much because the conservatives want to distract us: what effect would gay marriage have on my life? None at all. So why don't we focus on real issues that affect so many of us like social security and universal health care and day care?

Answer 9

My take on your situation is that your husband has a very traditional view about how he would ideally like his son to be and to grow up. Your husband is a heterosexual male and, for whatever reasons, is not comfortable with the thought of his son and heir being homosexual. But that is a long way from disowning him or from not loving him unconditionally. You have to give him the benefit of the doubt a little more. His love for his son could only be proved unconditional if a scenario like this actually arose and put it to the test. And I bet that if it did you would find that he manages to deal with it and get over it, and loves his son no less than before.
It's natural for parents to have preconceived ideals about their children and how they will grow, and it's also natural for parents to be disappointed when they feel their child has made, or is making, a bad choice. But most good parents end up supporting their children through thick and thin, despite what they might say to the contrary in the throws of anger and frustration.
Cut him a bit of slack, don't judge him until there is a real scenario in which to judge him.
Take care... :)

Answer 10

No, I don't think your taking this too far. But, your husband may say and "do" two different things. I have a really close male friend who (at the time his son was 16) who is also "macho male", and swore that if any of his children were gay/lesbian that he would disown them, because its just not right.

Well, surprise surprise one of his young sons is gay (obvious years before the son came out and told his dad), and my friend even tho he has reservations, goes out of his way to make his son feel loved and respected. He still has a hard time dealing with it, but being a parent we learn to love our children no matter what choices they make in their lives. As hard as it may be for some parents to deal with (basically men I think) (women seem to be more understanding)...they usually come around and understand that it is their child's choice and unfortunately their is nothing you can say or do to change "who your child" is.

With your son being so young, this is not definitely something that should carry on/ or affect your marriage at this point. You are just being a protective mother and that's okay. But at some point just let his responses go. If it ever comes a time that this situation is "real" for you...go by your husband's "actions" not "words"....

Good luck and thanks for being such a protective mother for that little man.