Why do people always say they're fine/great when asked how they're doing?

Question

No matter how crap they actually feel...

Is it etiquette or is it the same basic instinct as to animals not showing physical pain for fear of being abandoned by the herd or attacked by predators?

Answer 1

I think you are going a bit too far in your assumptions that human beings share the same basic instincts with animals regarding their fear of being abandonned or attacked. I hold the view that answering 'I am great, thanks' or 'I am great, how are you?' is a polite way of acknowledging the other and show friendliness. How long would it take you in a day to answer fully and honestly that private question to people who are mostly acquaintances to you?
By responding positively we are also not incommodating the asker with personal issues that might make him/her feel uncomfortable. Why would you ruin someone's day with a detailed account of all your worries and troubles? Believe me Capello, a little smile and a nod while saying you feel great today is by far the best attitude to adopt. And keep in mind that true friends are there for you no matter what, and are there to decipher the tone of your voice regardless how big your smile is. Have a great day Capello :-)

Answer 2

It's etiquette - because people don't always say they're fine. You can tell from the depth of your relationship with the person whether they're going through the motions or to what extent they actually want an honest answer to the question - and from this assessment you can decide how much detail you're meant to give and how sincere you're meant to be. Like you say, people do normally say they're fine - and this is because normally the question is asked among people who don't know each other that well - and so then to give a long self-exposure about how you feel lost and alone (for example!) would be to shift the parameters of the relationship. On the other hand, when a long-standing friend asks me how I am, I can say "yeah I'm ok, I'm not sleeping too well, but I won't bore you with the details" if we have the kind of relationship where we don't talk about problems. Then it's up to them how much concern and curiosity they want to show. Or some friends where we tell each other everything, I would give a fuller response because I know that they care about me and want the full story!

I don't mean to sound cynical: "going through the motions" isn't necessarily hypocritical, as even though the asker probably doesn't want your life story, they probably are asking as a way of getting the conversational ball rolling and getting to know you better in a gradual response. So you can give a kind of middle-level response which does enable the asker to get to know you better without completely baring your soul. E.g. someone you've met once or twice asks, and you might say "I'm actually in a bit of a bad mood - I had an argument with my sister earlier today over (*something not that serious*)".

I do appreciate the analogy of your second option - I think the possibility of "changing the parameters" by giving a full response to a mild acquaintance tends to frighten people - both the asker and the answerer. This is probably because it involves taking a gamble. You would be exposing youself, and this involves making yourself vulnerable. If you don't know them that well, you can't be sure how they will judge what you tell them about yourself. And in trusting them with more intimate information about you, you will be looking for an appropriately sensitive response, which you can't be sure they will give.

Personally, I'm a bit of a gambler - if the person seems nice I tend to take a risk and tell them a bit more than just "I'm fine", and see what they do with it!

Answer 3

You will find, almost without exception that, if they trust you, you will (fortunately or unfortunately) get the "whole story" about how they are feeling. If the encounter is less intimate, people generally reply with a simple "I'm-fine-thank-you-and-yourself?" which is almost lilke a single-word response. It's just the thing you say back when someone else says it to you. The funny thing is, when people get older and you ask, out comes the brown bag of pills and they start with "What drugs do you have?" and it goes down hill from there! I guess the moral of the story is if you aren't prepared beforehand to really hear the worst, then don't venture that form of social greeting. Best to you, - G.

Answer 4

I think it started as both... and, which is more important, now it is fixed and cemented in human communication protocols of some societies up to the point of losing its original meaning competely. I think it's primarily an American habit. Maybe English. For example, Russians usually don't do that. Also, Russians usually have no habit of asking how one's doing, if they don't care.

I had serious problems getting used to this stupid habit, and the best thing in the course of adaptation was my American friend telling me that it's just a way of greeting, nothing more. "Hihowareyou" or "Hihowyouredoing" are just protocol words much like "Hello". The same for replies. It is absolutely irrelevant to how one feels. I think we have the same in other languages, e.g. in Russian "zdravstvuite" is a wish of good health, but now it is used as a neutral greeting and no one thinks of health when using this word.

upd: just for contrast, I remember I heard that Chinese usually don't greet each other at all if they consider each other close friends. Moreover, a greeting could be considered an insult because it is a demonstration of distance. I should look this up...

upd2: sorry for stalking :) I just liked your questions.

Answer 5

I don't know,but it is getting on my nerves soooo mush!I am a musician,so usually I am around people who are like me in this particularly matter,but I had a chance to meet one man recently-he is a composer and I played his composition-that's why we got together in the first place.The thing is,its not the only profession he has-he is also a member of our Parliament,and a lawyer,and a president of every second musical/political organization/club we have around here.So,we were meeting quite a lot one time because of rehearsals and stuff,and every single time he would started conversation with a question-"How are you doing?"There is nothing wrong with the question itself,but I could always feel that he is asking it just because he thinks its a polite thing to do,and he also thinks that the polite answer would be"Good,thank you",and it annoyed me that he is asking something he actually doesn't want to know,so once,when I called him to arrange something and he asked his usual"And are you feeling good?"(I know it sounds strange,but I am translating from Croatian)I said"No,I am not!"(because I actually wasn't).After that he couldn't say anything,he was completely lost...My friend noticed that he was probably waiting for"thank you,and how are you?"

Answer 6

Yes I agree with Warren C, Saying fine or great doesnt leave anymore to be said. If you say terrible or not good then the other person is obligated to ask what is wrong and so it goes on. Saying fine kind of cuts it short.

Answer 7

I do that......I generaly do it to avoid conversation....especially when I am in no mood to talk to people.

Cause I don't want to go into detail with someone....cause they may end up asking all kinds of questions & I don't feel like dealing with them.

My personality is tipicly quiet & shy. So if you ask me how I am...you are lucky if I even respond with "fine".....otherwise you may just get a smile.

Answer 8

Interesting, for me could be either
1 Time issue ( have no time to talk about that )
2. I don't think "you " would really care
3. Don't want to bother you with my pain
4. I don't want that you know I feel bad , coz you would love that !

So we keep it simple by just saying fine !
or excellent if I am sarcastic ! haha

Answer 9

They say that because people don't want to show weakness, and no one really wants to know anyway, they are asking to be "polite". Ask an older person how they are and see how fast your eyes glaze over when they actually start to answer your question.

Answer 10

I usually say I'm fine even when I'm not, because I really don't want to explain to people why I'm not doing fine, yet they always ask unless I pretend to be fine. It's simpler that way and it's the only way they'll leave me alone and not ask me questions I don't want to answer.