make me laugh..........?

Question

hey i am rilly bored tell me some rilly funny jokes i will read through da jokes and da funniest 1 i will give u da 10 pionts!!!r u da funniest....???

Answer 1

every night, a little girl would pray and say goodnight to everyone she could think of. her dad always put her to bed.
"good night mommy, good night daddy, good night grandma, good bye grandpa." said the little girl

"why did you say that?" asked the dad

"just because" replied the girl.

the next day her grandfather died. at bed time...

"good night mommy, goodnight daddy, good bye grandma." said the girl

"why did you say that?" asked dad

"it just came out." spoke the girl

the next day her grandma died. the dad started to wonder. that night...

"good night mommy, good bye daddy."

"what! uh, honey you just forget about that and go to sleep."

the next morning, dad woke up extra early. he began to grow paranoid and woke his wife up. sweety, i uh- um, gotta go to work early. i'll be back pretty late."

he assumed that nothing bad could happen to a guy sitting in a cubical all day. well it was almost 8PM and nothing deadly had happened to him. he decided to call it a day and return home.

when he got home, his wife answered the door and he ran inside.

the wife then spoke "honey, the strangest thing happened this morning."

"what?" asked the dad

"the mailman dropped dead on our porch!"









TOP TEN TV SHOWS IN IRAQ

10. Husseinfeld
9. Mad About Everything
8. Allah McBeal
7. Wheel of Fortune and Terror
6. Achmed's Creek
5. The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right
4. Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest
3. The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show
2. Buffy the Slayer of American Imperialist Dogs
1. Suddenly Sanctions















TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN GOLF BUT AREN'T
10. Nuts...my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.
1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.

Answer 2

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business
trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get
her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much
like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold
sex toys and started looking around. He was browsing through the dildos,
looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the
old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.
The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the
trick, except -- " and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked. "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but
there's the 'voodoo dick.'"
"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box,
carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary
looking dildo. He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The
voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started
screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack
developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said
"Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back
to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't
for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to
his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to
do was say "Voodoo dick, my p-u-ssy." He left for his trip satisfied that
things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought
of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered
the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my p-u-ssy!" The

voodoo dick shot to her and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd
ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough,
and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She
tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten
to tell her how to shut it off.
She decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her
clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering
with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her
swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for
her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that
a voodoo dick was stuck in her, and wouldn't stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo
dick, my a-s-s!"

Answer 3

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, gets a drink and says to the barrender "i bet you $50 i can lick the back of foot, the bartender takes the bet and the man takes off his woden leg and licks the back of his foot, and then he bets the bartender $100 he can bite his eye, the bartender thinks their is no way he can do this and makes the bet, the man takes out his glass eye and bites it, he walks away and talks to some guys, twenty minutes later he comes over and says i bet you $200 i can piss in that glass on your shelf (behind the bartender on the wall, like 4 feet away) and the bartender takes this bet, the guy stands up on the bar and pisses all over the bartender and his drinks and doesn't get a drop in the glass, the bar tender is laughing his head off, he says hey buddy you owe me $200, and the guy says you see those four guys over there, i just bet them $500 each i could piss all over you and your bar and you would laugh about it.

Answer 4

A blonde and a brunette where in an elevator when a really hot guy gets in. They look at the back of his head and realise he has really bad dandruff. He gets off the elevator and the brunette turns to the blonde and says jokingly ' that guy needs head and shoulders' the blonde replies, ' how do u give shoulders?'

Answer 5

An old maid

An old maid was held up in a dark alley.
She explained she had no money, but the robber insisted that it must be in her bra, or in her panties and started feeling around.
"I told you I haven't got any money," the spinster said, "but if you keep doing that, I'll write you a check.
An old maid was held up in a dark alley.
She explained she had no money, but the robber insisted that it must be in her bra, or in her panties and started feeling around.
"I told you I haven't got any money," the spinster said, "but if you keep doing that, I'll write you a check.
*****************************************
Curtains

>> > A Blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I
>> > would like to buy a pair of pink curtains." The salesman assures her
>> > that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several
>> > patterns, but the blond seems to be having a hard time choosing.
>> > Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks
>> > what size curtains she needs. The blond promptly replies, "fifteen
>> > inches."
>> > "Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what
>> > room are they for?" The blond tells him that they aren't for a room,
>they
>> > are for her computer monitor.
>> > The surprised salesman replies, "but Miss, computers do not need
>> > curtains!"
>> > The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo .. I've got Windoooooows!"

Answer 6

there was this old man who kept walking funny and these to doctors saw him.when the man left the first doctor thought he had a disability and the second doctor thought he had a disease.they kept arguing about it.then they decided to ask the guy why he was walking that way.
The next day, they saw him walking the same way.they then went up to him and said why do you walk that way?is it from a disease or a disability?and the man said no.he told them that he had just used the restroom in his pants!

Answer 7

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a
whale to swallow a human because even though it was
a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a
whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could
not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will
ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied," Then you ask him".
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The children had all been photographed, and the
teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a
copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will
be to look at it when you are all grown up and
say,' There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'that's
Michael. He's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And
there's the teacher. She's dead."

Answer 8

little johnny comes home from school2 see his pet rooter dead in the yard. rigor mortis has set in it is flat on it's back with it's legs in the air. when his dad comes home johnny says 'dad out rooster's dead his legs are sticking in the air. why are his legs sticking in the air? his father, thinkin quickly, says 'son, that's so god can reach down from the clouds & lift the rooster straight up 2 heaven'. 'gee dad that's great, says johnny. a few days later, when dad comes home from work, johnny rushes out to meet him yelling , 'dad,dad we almost lost mum today'. 'what do u mean? i went pass ur room & mum was on her bak with her legs in the air screamin jesus im comin im comin if it hadnt been 4 uncle george holdin her down we could of lost her 4 sure.

Answer 9

here is a funny answering machine note that u can read and enjoy...
Roses are red, violets are blue,Sugar is sweet, and so are youThe roses have wilted, the violets are dead,The sugar bowl's empty, and so is your headThe roses stink, sorta like sheepBut leave your name, number, and message after the beepThe roses are molding, the violets are rottenAnd I might call you back, if I haven't forgotten

Answer 10

here are a couple

1) how do u know when an ethiopian woman is pregnant?
theres a bite mark in her tampon

2)do u know how new zealand farmers get to sleep?
by counting women
3)how old do u have to be to out live jesus?
33