Have you ever heard of "no ring, no bring" for a reason for not inviting a guest of a first cousin?

Question

I was invited to a first cousin's wedding, but my boyfriend of 5+ years was not invited. When the bride's mother was asked why this was the case, she said "no ring, no bring." I have declined to attend the wedding and thus have caused a huge family rift.

Just to clarify... my boyfriend has been to family events in the past. He is considered a part of the family. We will be engaged soon. We are working on the details of our own wedding. To make matters more difficult, I haven't even seen or spoken to my cousin in over 5 years.

Answer 1

That is really awful! Wow. I have only heard of such inconsiderateness once before.

My cousin got married maybe 15 years ago and my fiance wasnt allowed to go either. I was supposed to be in her wedding but I declined. I went to the ceremony, stayed for dinner and then had my fiance pick me up. I couldnt believe how rude that was of her! And my fiance and I were living together at the time, too!

All I can tell you is that you should really ask for an exception to be made. Tell them how much it would mean to you to have your boyfriend there. After all, some people never get married and are happily together forever. So, I dont think that the piece of paper (or ring in the case of being engaged) should have any bearing on whether your boyfriend is invited.

You could offer to pay for his dinner, if money is what they are concerned about.

I would have done the same thing that you did. It is so highly rude and unjustified for your boyfriend to not have been invited. I cant believe the nerve of some people. It makes me so angry just thinking about them doing that to you! Ugh! I would have declined the invitation also. If nothing else, it's out of respect for your boyfriend!

Bottom line is, do what you feel is right. You will get a whole myriad of answers here covering all options. Only you know what's right for you. But once you have made up your mind, stand firm! Dont let other family members tell you that you are wrong. You are not the one who was wrong here!

Answer 2

I have never heard specifically of that saying, but I understand the reasoning behind it having been through a wedding for our oldest daughter. Depending on who is paying for the wedding, where the reception is being held, and the formality of the wedding, it becomes necessary to limit the guest list at some point and it is very difficult to decide where the cut off should be. I personally think it is wrong for you to not attend your cousin's wedding. You will have to make that decision, though, but think about how simple it would be to attend the wedding and stay at the reception through dinner. You will be apart from your boyfriend for a few short hours, but by not attending the wedding and causing this major rift, you could be estranged from you family for years. Yes, being with someone for 5 years is a long time, but there is no guarantee that the 2 of you will be together in 10 years yet in 10 years your family will still be your family. Don't make your cousin's wedding day be about you, it is about her, don't be selfish. A wedding is not a date opportunity, it is a time to celebrate and support your friend or family member on one of the most important days of his or her life. Get past this and attend the wedding.

Answer 3

Yes I've heard of it. The number of people attending affect the cost of the wedding. If it's a small wedding, it's ok to just invite close relatives. If it's a large wedding, with many friends of the bride and groom, one more shouldn't make a difference. If a wedding of a cousin causes a family rift, there are obviously other dynamics that need to be dealt with.

Answer 4

I have heard of this rule and generally that is a rule of etiquette. My mother worked with one of the most well known wedding planners in our town, so I was privy to a lot of quirks and perks when it came to weddings.

This rule was brought about because back in the day it was inappropriate for a young lady or young man to attend formal social functions with someone that was not there spouse because by the time the next function came around it would be someone new on their arm. And I am quite sure if you think about it you either have a friend or a cousin that plays musical chairs with dates and can invite someone different to every holiday get together. It's my neice and on of my cousins in my family. I am 30 and married my niece is 29, single and dating and my cousin is 25, single and dating.

I hate that you got caught up in this but like the saying goes, almost doesn't count.

Answer 5

Yeah, why would you go to this wedding anyway?

This is why I just don't get the idea of the big wedding... it's so complicated and makes everybody miserable!

If you haven't seen your cousin for five years, why is it such a big deal if you're not going? I wouldn't expect somebody to come to my wedding alone... if I'm inviting them, I'd make room for a guest as well. And "no ring no bring" is an extremely tacky and rude way of phrasing their decision.

You're better off spending the time at home working on your own relationship, and if they have a problem with that, just ask them why it's such a big deal!

Answer 6

I think you were right in your declining of the invitation. The "no ring, no bring" is helpful in keeping guests from bringing random parties, but this should've have applied to you being in a 5+ year relationship.

Politely decline the invitation, and don't worry about the rift in your family. It's their views that cause the rift in the first place.

Answer 7

Socially, there are 3 levels of relationship ... friendship, engagement, and marriage. One must invite engaged and married couples as a couple. There is no corresponding obligation to invite friends. Neither the longevity nor the intimacy of the friendship are considered relevant.

Is your boyfriend a usual part of the hostess's or bride's social circle? If yes, he may merit an invitation on his own behalf. But if not, you can hardly expect your hostess to permit her guests to bring guests of their own. Try to look at it from the hostess's point of view. If she extends to you the privilege of bringing "a friend" then EVERYONE will want to bring a friend and she will totally lose control of her guest list.

It is not unusual for a wedding guest list to be limited to "our own family and dear friends" with no provision for bringing "a date". I am not saying that this "no ring, no bring" rule is fair or right or better, merely that it is the traditional rule of etiquette.

Answer 8

Prob the cousin can't afford to invite a mass of people and so is cutting out guests for the people she doesn't see much. She's obviously not close to you and so has cut you down to one ticket instead of two. It's not that unusual. I wasn't invited to two cousins receptions, just the dances (which I also thought was strange) but people have to save money sometimes. I would just go and not worry about being offended.

Answer 9

Never heard of it. I can't believe that your partner of 5 years was not invited. He is just as much a member of the family as you are by that stage of a relationship.
I think you did the right thing in declining the invitation. That is not right at all, and it sounds as if your family have no respect for your relationship.

Answer 10

Good for you I just don't like that perhaps she knows your working on your own wedding and she just plain jealous about your happiness and your relationship with your boyfriend.By the way I would never go by myself to a wedding. I don't understand not like you were not going to give her an appropriate gift money depending where it's held the rule of thumb it's 125.00 to 200.00 a head everyone knows this so what is her problem?