I can't do much so send me all the jokes you can. I really need cheered up. Gosh I hope I get better soon. I start back to college August 23rd. I have been in treatment off and on for seven years and I am only 22. But hey I am lucky just need to keep my mind off it. Help.
2006-06-12 13:55:12 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
You Know You're Too Drunk When........
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You fall off the floor...
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom,
you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women
or Men].
Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more
attractive.
Roseanne looks good.
Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
I'm as jober as a sudge.
The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.
2006-06-12 18:15:28 · answer #1 · answered by mischiefmaker_kc 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A lonley magician foud a job on a cruise ship, He did small tricks for the crowd. He had a prarrot as a companion, and it had gotten quite used to his tricks. With every trick the magician
did the parrot would squak out the secret way he did each trick
BAAAK ITS IN HIS SHOE
BAAAK ITS UP HIS SLEVE
BAAAK ITS ONLY A RUBBER KNIFE
The magician got quite annoyed with this, and was afraid that he might lose his job so one night after the parrot had been at its worse. THe Magician went mad with rage, and pulled out a hand gun and aimed it at the parrot. He shot, but the parrot ducked. Behind where the parrot was a large gas tank.
BOOM
The Magician and the parrot were the only survivors from the cruise ship, they were floating in the sea on pieces of wood just beyond the wreckage of the ship. The Magician looked at the parrot with hate. The parrot spoke up
BAAAK OK I GIVE UP WHERES THE SHIP
Get well soon
2006-06-12 14:12:47 · answer #2 · answered by Kjo 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A blonde and a brunette are in an elevator. On the third floor a man gets on
and he is perfect; 3-piece suit, great build with a nice butt. The bad part
is, they both noticed he had dandruff.
The man got off on the 5th floor. Once the doors closed the brunette turned to the blonde
and said, "Someone should give him 'Head & Shoulders.'"
To which the blonde replied, "How do you give 'Shoulders'?"
2006-06-12 18:30:06 · answer #3 · answered by moonearth 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
A plane crashed onto an island, killing all passengers except three men. The island was lush with many different types of fruit trees, and the men set off to search for help. All of a sudden, a group of tribespeople surrounded them with spears. Their chief stepped up and threatened to kill them if they didn't do two tasks. The first task was to each find ten of one type of fruit.
The first man brought back ten apples. The chief told him that if he stuffed the apples up his anus without changing his facial expression, he would be set free. The man stuffed the first and second apples up his rear without flinching. However, at the third apple, he grimaced a little and was, thus, killed.
The second man brought back ten cranberries. The chief told him what he had to do to survive, so he proceeded to insert the berries into his anus. He was doing well up until the ninth berry, when he started to laugh uncontrollably. He was then killed.
On the way to heaven, the second guy ran into the first guy. The first guy asked the second guy, "Why did you laugh? You were so close to stuffing all the berries up your butt and surviving."
The second guy replied, "I saw the third guy coming. HE WAS CARRYING PINEAPPLES."
2006-06-12 13:58:15 · answer #4 · answered by King Yellow 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
In California, any day in which you are hired over eight hours qualifies you for further time pay, irrespective of the entire hours for the week. An exception might be while you paintings a four/10 shift. E.G. You could now not get further time for the two hours over eight considering that the ten hour day is your usual shift.
2016-09-09 00:37:48 · answer #5 · answered by marceau 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
OK...there are two old ladies sitting in the park, smoking cigarettes. It begins to rain, and one old lady removes something from her purse, and puts the object on her cigarette.
"What's that thing?" the other old lady asks.
"It's a condom," the first lady replies, "you put it on your cigarette, and it stays dry."
"That's a great idea," the other lady says, "where can I get one of those?"
"Just go to the pharmacy," the first old lady says, "they have them at the back counter."
So the second old lady goes to the pharmacy. The pharmacist asks her, "May I help you, ma'am?"
"Yes," she replies, "I need a condom."
The pharmacist is a little bit amused, so he asks her, "What size condom do you need?"
The lady thinks about it for a moment, and says, "oh, one that will fit a Camel, I guess."
Hope you're feeling better!
2006-06-12 14:10:52 · answer #6 · answered by jvsconsulting 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
A blonde comes to the edge of a river and sees another blonde on the other bank. She calls out, "How do I get to the other side?" The other blonde answers back, "You're already on the other side!"
Get well soon!
2006-06-12 14:00:22 · answer #7 · answered by sparkletina 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Candy companies don't put much thought into the naming of thier products. They attempt to say that their jellybeans (or whatever) taste like grapes or cherries when, in reality, that purple jellybean tastes like purple. It tastes just like the purple skittle and the purple lollypop and none of them taste like a grape. The best is when they give up and make a white jelly bean, white for sugar.
2006-06-12 13:58:46 · answer #8 · answered by DonSoze 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Why was the blonde angry when she got her drivers license?
She got an F for Sex.
Hope that cheers ya!
2006-06-12 13:57:55 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Why won't cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
2006-06-12 14:05:29 · answer #10 · answered by e.l.f. 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋