Can you give me a good joke?

Question

I'm really bored and I need a good laugh...
Some yo mammam dumb blondes, and funny jokes... Thanks :)

Answer 1

lol funny bumper stickers

My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
All men are idiots....I married their king.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Make yourself at home .....clean my kitchen
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck
Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
Adults are just kids who owe money.
Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
I'm just driving this way to get you mad.
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
Hang up and drive.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

ok this is a true application from the girls father to the guys lol i was lmao and i still am

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION
TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: THIS APPLICATION WILL BE INCOMPLETE AND REJECTED UNLESS ACCOMPANIED BY A COMPLETE FINANCIAL STATEMENT, WORK HISTORY, LINEAGE, AND CURRENT MEDICAL REPORT FROM YOUR DOCTOR.

1. NAME__________________________...

DATE OF BIRTH___/___/___


2.HEIGHT__________________WEIG...

3. SOCIAL SECURITY#______________DRIVERS LIC#_______________

4. BOY SCOUT RANK__________________________...

5. HOME ADDRESS______________CITY/STAT...

6. DO YOU HAVE ONE MALE AND ONE FEMALE PARENT?_______________
IF NO, PLEASE EXPLAIN_______________________...

7. NUMBER OF YEARS PARENTS MARRIED?____________________

8. DO YOU OWN A VAN?________________MOTORCYCLE...
TRUCK WITH OVERSIZED TIRES?___________WATERBED?____...
DO YOU HAVE AN EARRING?____NOSE RING?____BELLY BUTTON RING__

9. IN 50 WORDS OR LESS, WHAT DOES DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER MEANS TO YOU?__________________________...

10. IN 50 WORDS OR LESS, WHAT DOES LATE MEAN TO YOU?__________________________...

11. IN 50 WORDS OR LESS, WHAT DOES ABSTINENCE MEAN TO YOU?__________________________...

12. CHURCH YOU ATTEND?_______________________...

13. WHEN WOULD BE THE BEST TIME TO INTERVIEW YOUR FATHER?_________MOTHER?_______...

14. ANSWER BY FILLING IN THE BLANK. PLEASE ANSWER FREELY, ALL ANSWERS ARE CONFIDENTIAL (THAT MEANS I WON'T TELL ANYONE)
A. IF I WERE SHOT, THE LAST PLACE ON MY BODY I WOULD WANT WOUNDED IS THE ________________
B. IF I WERE BEATEN, THE LAST PLACE I WOULD WANT BROKEN IS MY _____________
C. A WOMAN'S PLACE IS IN THE ______________
D.. THE ONE THING I HOPE THIS APPLICATION DOESN'T ASK IS _________
E. WHEN I FIRST MEET A GIRL, THE THING I NOTICE FIRST IS HER ________
(NOTE: IF THE ANSWERS STARTS WITH A T OR AN A, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES, KEEPING LOW AND RUNNING IN A SERPENTINE FASHION IS ADVISED.)

15. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE IF YOU GROW UP?________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL OF THE INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICA AN TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION,ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

______________________________...
SIGNATURE (THAT MEANS YOU SIGN YOUR NAME)

THANK YOU FOR YOUR INTEREST. PLEASE ALLOW FOUR TO SIX YEARS FOR PROCESSING. YOU WILL BE NOTIFIED IN WRITING IF YOU ARE APPROVED. PLEASE DO NOT CALL OR WRITE (AS IT WILL CAUSE YOU INJURY)

lol ur moma jokes

Yo mama's so stupid that under "Education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics."
* Yo mama's so stupid when she asked me what kind of jeans I wore, I said Guess and she said "Ah Levi's?"
* Yo mama's so stupid, at bottom of application where it says Sign Here - she put Sagittarius.
* Yo mama's so stupid, her idea of safe sex is locking the car doors.
* Yo mama's so stupid, her shirt says TGIF- **** go in first.
* Yo mama's so stupid, her shoes say TGIF- toes go in front.
* Yo mama's so stupid, I saw her in the frozen food section with a fishing rod.
* Yo mama's so stupid, I saw her walking down the street yelling into an envelope, asked what she was doing, and she said sending a voice mail.
* Yo mama's so stupid, I taught her how to do the running man and I haven't seen the ***** since.
* Yo mama's so stupid, I told her Christmas was just around the corner and she went looking for it.
* Yo mama's so stupid, if brains were dynamite, she wouldn't have enough to blow her nose.
* Yo mama's so stupid, if brains were gas she wouldn't have enough to power a flea-mobile around the inside of a Fruit Loop.
* Yo mama's so stupid, if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* Yo mama's so stupid, if you gave her a penny for her intelligence you'd get change.
* Yo mama's so stupid, it takes her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.
* Yo mama's so stupid, it takes her an hour to cook minute rice.
* Yo mama's so stupid, on her job application where it says emergency contact she put 911.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she asked for a price check at the dollar store.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she asked you "What is the number for 911".
* Yo mama's so stupid, she bought a video camera to record cable TV shows at home.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she called the 7-11 to see when they closed.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she can't make Jello because she can't fit 2 quarts of water in the box.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she cooked her own complimentary breakfast.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she couldn't tell which way an elevator was going if I gave her two guesses.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she died before the police arrived because she couldn't find the "11" button in "9-1-1"
* Yo mama's so stupid, she fell up the stairs.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she gave your uncle a ******* 'cause he said it'd help his unemployment.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she got a part time job painting skittles.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she got fired from a ********.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W's.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she got hit by a cup and told the police that she got mugged.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she got hit by a parked car.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she got shot running to the border after seeing a Taco Bell commercial.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she had Dan Quayle check her spelling.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she invented a solar powered flashlight.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she jumped out the window and went up.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she married Yo daddy.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she needed a tutor to learn how to scribble.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she ordered a cheese burger from McDonald's and said "Hold the cheese."
* Yo mama's so stupid, she ordered her sushi well done.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she put a peephole in a glass door.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for a gum ball to come out.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she put a ruler on her pillow to see how long she slept.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she put on a coat to chew winterfresh gum.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she ran out of gas leaving Texaco.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she said "what's that letter after x" and I said Y she said "Cause I want to know".
* Yo mama's so stupid, she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she sold the car for gas money.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she sold the house to pay the mortgage.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she stands up on an empty bus.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she studied for a blood test and failed.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks a 17 inch Admiral is a well hung sailor.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks a sanitary belt is drinking a shot out of a clean glass.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Christmas Wrap is Snoop Dogg's holiday album.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet!
* Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks sexual battery is something in a dildo.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks socialism means partying!
* Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks stereotype is the brand on her clock-radio.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican Phone Company.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Tiger Woods is a forest.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she thought a lawsuit was something you wear to court.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she thought a quarterback was a refund.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she thought asphalt was a skin disease.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Boyz2Men was a daycare center.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Chubby Checkers was a game for fat people.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Delta Airlines was a sorority.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she thought hamburger helper came with another person.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she thought menopause was a button on the VCR.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she thought meow mix was a record for cats.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she thought she could get food stamps at the post office.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Sherlock Holmes was a housing project.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Thailand was a men's clothing store.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she thought the board of education was a piece of wood.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she thought the Internet was something you catch fish with.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she told everyone that she was "illegitimate" because she couldn't read.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she took a spoon to the Super Bowl.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she took lessons for a player piano.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jiff.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to drop acid but the car battery fell on her foot.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to drown a fish.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to drown herself in a carpool.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to insult you and started with "Yo mama's so..."
* Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to mail a letter with food stamps.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to melt squeeze Parkay.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to steal a free sample.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to strangle herself with a cordless phone.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to throw a bird off a cliff.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to wake up a sleeping bag.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she tripped over a cordless phone.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she used a vibrator for an egg beater.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she was locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she was on the corner giving out potato chips yellin' "Free Lays!"
* Yo mama's so stupid, she went on Double Dare and when they asked her name she said "I think I'll take the physical challenge."
* Yo mama's so stupid, she went to a Clippers game to get a hair cut.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she went to a Whalers game to see Shamu.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she went to Dr. Dre for a pap smear.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she went to the Gap to get her teeth fixed.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she wiped her *** before she took a ****.
* Yo mama's so stupid, she wouldn't know up from down if she had three guesses.
* Yo mama's so stupid, the ***** snuck on the bus and paid to get off.
* Yo mama's so stupid, the first time she used a vibrator, she cracked her two front teeth.
* Yo mama's so stupid, they had to burn the school down to get her out of 3rd grade.
* Yo mama's so stupid, when asked on an application, "Sex?", she marked, "M, F, and sometimes Wednesday too."
* Yo mama's so stupid, when her husband lost his marbles she bought him new ones.
* Yo mama's so stupid, when I asked her if she wanted to play one on one, she said "Ok, but what's the teams?"
* Yo mama's so stupid, when I gave her a dollar and asked for a quater back, she gave me Dan Marino.
* Yo mama's so stupid, when she heard 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* Yo mama's so stupid, when she pulls up to a flashing red light it sounds like this... Vroom, Screech, Vroom, Screech.
* Yo mama's so stupid, when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line, she put "O.K."
* Yo mama's so stupid, when she saw a "Wrong Way" sign in her rearview mirror, she turned around.
* Yo mama's so stupid, when she saw the "NC-17 (Under 17 Not Admitted)" sign, she went home and got 16 friends.
* Yo mama's so stupid, when she took you to the airport and a sign said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
* Yo mama's so stupid, when she went by the YMCA she said "Hey, they spelled Macy's wrong."
* Yo mama's so stupid, when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.
* Yo mama's so stupid, when she worked at McDonald's and someone ordered small fries, she said "Hey Boss, all the small one's are gone."
* Yo mama's so stupid, when someone said "Take the trash out," she moved.
* Yo mama's so stupid, when the judge said "Order in the court," she said "I'll have a hamburger and a Coke."
* Yo mama's so stupid, when they said they were playing craps she went and got toilet paper.
* Yo mama's so stupid, when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon.
* Yo mama's so stupid, you can make her eyes twinkle by shining light in her ears.
* Yo mama's so stupid, you can tell when she's used the computer because there's White Out all over the screen.


now i am sure that ur not bored :)

Answer 2

As You Slide Down , Remember:

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book.
It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss ... The Pope only
expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in
the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the
drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of
course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the
impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9.. My next house will have no kitchen -- just vending machines and a
large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip
me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal
fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription
for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a
condemned building.

12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he
was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him
rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He
said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never
point the wrong way.

Answer 3

Teacher: "Children, tomorrow I would like you to give me an example of a development that is currently being built near your home and what are the advantages of this new development."

At the end of the class, the teacher asks that all the little Girls
remain behind for 5 minutes.

Teacher: "Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from Your parents concerning Little Johnny's' crude remarks. It is very likely that for tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking you all, to avoid any further problems, when he says anything that appears rude, Get up and leave the class room"

Everybody agreed to this plan.

Next day, - teacher: "Is everybody ready with their assignment?

Go Ahead Anita"
Anita: "Near my home, a supermarket is being built. Now my mommy doesn't have to walk so far to get bread and milk."

Teacher: "Very good Anita! Yes Koosie!"

Koosie: "Near my home, they are building a furniture factory. My
Daddy is a carpenter and this permits him to work near home"

Teacher: "Excellent, thank you Koosie!"

At this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up and the teacher
asks: "Oh heavens, tell me Johnny what new development is being built near your home." Little Johnny: "Near my home, they are building a brothel"

As all the young ladies got up and proceeded to leave, Little Johnny says, "Hey relax you little whores, it hasn't opened yet!"

Answer 4

Yo mama so skinny she hula hoops with a cheerio

Yo mama so skinny she has to wear a belt with spandex.

Yo mama so skinny she turned sideways and dissapeared.

Answer 5

haha good well i bought a intercourse shaggy dog story for you wish you find it irresistible :) on listening to that her grandad had simply died kate went and visited her nan to alleviation her while she requested how he died her nan replyed by means of sayin that he had had a middle assault even as makin love two her kate mentioned that it used to be foolish that two ancient men and women in which havin intercourse because it used to be askin for main issue her nan replyed by means of sayin that they used to do it to the sluggish velocity of the church bells because it used to be simply the correct velocity she then wiped a tear from her eye and carryed on by means of sayin''if that dahmed ice cream van hadnt come alongside he could nonetheless be alive at present'' :) xxx

Answer 6

1

Answer 7

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

It was dead