I need your help!?

Question

If you could, could you read some of my questions and info. about the 14 year old boy. My husband found some stuff in his pants a few days ago. I talked to him about this and my husband has kicked him out of our house forever. I know this is totally disrespectful to us and he needs help to stop doing it. But I don't think the answer is never helping him again. I have grown to love this boy like one of my own since his father died. As my other questions state his mother really isn't there for him. I have 3 children 9yr old girl and to boys 14 and 15. My boys don't do these things or run around like he does. This is what he has been allowed to do since he was little. We have known him for 10 years. When he comes to our house he does kid stuff like listen to music and play games with the kids. The don't go do anything bad. My husband has had a problem with him for awhile. Me giving him rides and helping him out. Now he is to the point he wants me to never help or talk to him again

he is going to leave me. I don't think it is right to give up on this kid that soooo needs are help. I think if we don't help him he will get worse. He is already acting soooo different, which worries me. I have tried everything to change my husbands mind, like putting limits on how many times he comes over and how much I help him. He doesn't care. I don't think it is right to give up on him when I don't want too. What do you guys think. Isn't it stupid to leave your wife of 13 yrs and it is his daughter too, over helping a 14 year old kid. He said he doesn't want to come in second to him. My kids think I should help their friend. I made up a bunch of rules that got me totally out of the picture and he could still come to the house to play. I thought that is what my husband wanted me to pay more attention to him than this boy. Which is only at the most 30 mins a day if I am giving him and friends rides to the pool or wherever. It is not like I am with him all the time helping him.

My question is should I keep helping this boy and hope my husband doesn't leave. Or do you think I am in the wrong for still wanting to help this boy. Do you think it is stupid for my husband putting me in the spot to choose between helping this boy that he knows I feel sorry for and care about or picking my daughter father and my husband of 13 years. He wants me to never talk to him again. He said he doesn't think I can let go of him.

My husband found a bag of weed. This is the 3 time since January

Sorry all of this is so long, but my husband said before he found anything in his pants that if I let him spend the night then he would stay at a hotel that night. He came over to spend the night and I told him you know he is only 14 and has feelings too. It is like he thinks this kid is and adult. I feel he still has time to change with the right help and right now is critical if I don't help him nobody else will be there for him, if I do help him my husband is going to leave me....

Answer 1

He is a child, this is just his way of crying out for help. You can't leave him stranded. I don't know if I am feeling this way, because I try to help everybody, but your husband needs to understand he is a child and if he does not get the help now, he will be in and out of jail for the rest of his life. Your husband should be willing to sit down and discuss an agenda, what you can and can't do, how long he is there, if he sleeps there or not. All these things need to be agreed on by both of you. Please don't let this little boy slip away, it could kill him.


dp

Answer 2

I feel so sad for you, and I would be doing exactly what you are doing. The old saying it takes a village to raise a child is so true. We have become a society that throws children away because they are not prefect. Could you please tell me who is? We didn't have all the options to get into trouble like these kids do. We had moms that stayed home, Dads that had time for vacations and everyone played a important part in the family scene. Now there is most of the time only one parent, no supervision not even at school and lots of drugs to replace that lost family feeling. Is this the kids fault? The absent mother's fault? Who pays for that lost,thrown away child? The answer I believe is the village, and if that village is one family or one person that has the chance to help a child and that is you we all Thank-you at least I do. You've heard I'am sure that a rescued animal makes the best pet, well that goes for kids to. Think about it, I believe he is worth it and I think your Husband needs to open his eyes and think what if on his own children. Don't ever say never!!!

Answer 3

This is a very troubled kid. You generosity to help is honorable. The trouble with troubled kids is that they can't be trusted. They can also bring your own children down. Find some help in the county or your community. Someone needs to know that this kid is basically homeless. He has so many issues to work through. You are not a professional. He needs one. If you do let him in the house, make sure he is alway around a responsible adult.
He definatly needs more help than you can give him. Find a way for him to get some help, From what you have said, the kid is on the way into some deep trouble He needs your love, but you can't risk your safety and sanity around him. There isn't any reason you c an't still care about him and get him some help.

Answer 4

well now, aren't you in a helluva position. first off it's a damned shame your hubby is being such a big baby about all of this. maybe he already feels left out of stuff at home and this was the straw that broke the camels back. furthermore do you really want your kids exposed to what this kid is doing, 14 and 15 year olds are very impressionable and may think what this kid is doing is "cool" . I know this kid needs help bad but at the expense of it ruining YOUR family? from what you say your hubby already has taken in your 2 sons from a previous relationship/s. how much is too much to ask of a man? who knows. but at least he is letting you know how he feels and how strongly he feels about it. I feel really bad for this kid cuz he will probably end up in the juvenile legal system before long but he needs professional help already if he is smoking pot and running the streets doing whatever else. Hun I can't give you a concrete answer cuz so much is at stake for everyone involved. Best of luck to you all. I hope I gave you enough to think about to help you make the right choice.

Answer 5

This child is in pain, and he's probably using the pot to self medicate. I would not give up on him. You need to give him the guidelines, the rules of your home, make sure that he knows that no drugs are allowed into the house. I understand your husband's point of view too, he's afraid that this child will influence your children, and that perhaps you are spending too much time worrying about him. I think that a family counselor would probably help your situation. You can possibly set it up where this boy could be included in the sessions. Call and find out. Good luck to you all.

Answer 6

What specifically did you find? Drugs? Porn?

Both you and your husband have to understand that part of growing up is being experimental (remember when you were that age) but at the same time you as friends can help to protect him from entering into something dangerous. If it's drugs, sit down with him and have a heart to heart, not as a parental figure saying NO NO DON"T DO THAT KID but as a friend saying this is bad for you and here's the reasons why. Also ask your own children about this child's behavior and what they think of it, and how his 'bad' behavior is making you feel and how it is making your husband so upset. They can absorb these feelings and pass them on to the child as well.

Answer 7

Dear Mom, I believe You are more than able to solve this problem by yourself . Just look into your heart and you'll know what to do and how to do it. Don't allow any room for regret because as I understood , you are the only one that can help the boy. I trust that your husband is mature enough to sit down and talk - everyone can talk. Just first make a decision and then all You have to do is stick with it. Little help :Who needs You more now ? Best of luck to your whole family.

Answer 8

I don't know what to tell about your husband, but i can tell you that if the good Friends i have would have given up n me i would not be where i am now, i was 19 when i met them, the wife was a school teacher, any ways because of them and everything they did for me and them not judging me, but just trying to be Friends and ignoring me being a dumb@$$ and there is a lot more to that story, but they didn't give up on me and they both are like parents to me and i am very very glad that our paths crossed and i hope that i will one day have an impact on some ones life like they had on mine, but i don't think i will ever be able to have that much of an impact. i am 35 now and if i had met a 19 year old version of myself, i don't think i could dill with them even though i have been there, any ways my point is they had alto to do with my life being changed around, and they are still very very good Friends, and i wouldn't have it any other way, i think if it weren't for them i would either be dead or in jail. so if you are making an impact of the kids life you are doing something i hope to be doing in the future.

Answer 9

Wow, were does one start with this situation. With out asking I am going to assume that you have do nothing to make your husband distrust you. It sounds like he is looking for a way out and the boy is the vehicle. If he is not looking for a way out then there are only two words for him GROW UP. As for you to continue to help this boy it is admirable. However with the addition of the now growing chemical dependency he will need more help than you can provide. He will not intentionally but will hurt you in one of many different ways. He may steal your money or other belongings to fund the problem. True this may not be his nature but in a unnatural state of mind it will happen. He needs counseling as well as the friendship and love that you can give him. Also be aware that yourself and your children may be in danger of incurring bodily harm. Not the young mans nature but drugs do some really nasty things to really good people. May the angels be with all of you. You are definitely good person for trying to help my hats off to you. Please be care full

Answer 10

There is a point when no help is the best help you can give. Are you there? I cannot say. The key is whenever a person in your life is causing the disruption of all of the rest of your life, what do you choose? Would you let him distroy it all? I can assure you IT WILL HAPPEN. There I have been. Decide what your principles are and stick to them. PERIOD. You may be trying to help a hurting shark. It will still eat you. If you want to help this child because he needs so much help, then get some substantial help doing it like counseling or group therapy or it will easily overcome you.