My girlfriend and I broke up - now she changed her mind...?

Question

My girlfriend and I were dating for 3 years. Everything was great, but the last year was really terrible. We had some kind of crisis - no new ideas, mediocre relationship and didn't communicate sometimes for a week. After such a period of one week without even talking on the phone, we met and she told me there is another man - she said she rejected him. But obviously weeks later they were seeing each other. I revealed who he is, and two weeks later she admitted they were kissing and that she is confused.
We broke up, because we were constantly quarreling, I told her I don't trust her any more. She said that she wants to have the thrill as in the beginning...Some people say that we should have married earlier. I don't think this would have helped us avoid these problems. Anyway. After 3 months of being separate she was really depressed, steadily gained weight, etc.
Now we became close again and she is saying she doesn't want us to separate.
What do you think I should do?

Answer 1

This is tough, really tough. People are going to flood this with "she got what she deserved" etc, but they forget that people are people, and this girl is a person.

I've been in a long relationship myself (a little over 5 years now) and I know that others have been married that long or longer, but I think that I have a unique perspective because of a long relationship without marriage. That situation makes breaking up easier, and getting back together easier, not that this is a good thing. I think it is a good thing you didn't get married because honestly, this would probably have happened anyway.

You need to sort out what it is you really feel. If you feel like you don't want to get back together, that you are sure it is over, then you need to tell her this. You CANNOT GET BACK TOGETHER FOR HER. If you want to get back together simply because you feel bad for what has happened to her, this will not work out. You cannot force yourself to feel something for her you don't feel.

She cheated on you. I know it doesn't seem like much (kissing) but she was investing emotional time and effort into another boy that should have gone to you. She was cheating on you and you have a right "not to trust her". Don't let her turn that around on you because you have a right to be upset about that. None of this is your fault it is HER fault for acting this way instead of trying to come up with a solution to serve both of you, she did something this selfish. There is obviously a problem that both of you contributed to (lack of interest, no communication) but her reaction was HER fault, you didn't have any part in it, she needs to make it up to you.

We ALL feel that "it isn't exciting any more". Believe me my g/f and I have talked about this plenty of times. I dont' know how to get that back, but I know that it will never last in any relationship she is in. Unless she plans on being in relationships for less than a few months for the rest of her life, she will have to deal with this, and so will you. I bet she figured this out with the new guy.

You need to ask yourself "WHY does she want to get back together?" Is it because she truly wants to make ammends for her actions and wants the two of you to grow into something better than you used to be? Is it because she is afraid of being alone? Is it because she thinks she can use you as a side boyfriend? You need to discover this.

Is she the kind of person that can grow? Can she truly change and become a girl that is faithful to you and a girl that is happy in a long term relationship at this point in her life? If you don't think she will change, why take her back? It is VERY LIKELY that she will cheat on you again, and this is something you have to consider.

After all that, this is what I suggest: take her back with some new rules. Tell her that if she so much as looks at another boy, it is over. Tell her that you are willing to work towards getting the relationship out of a rut and back on track but that she needs to do her part as well. Do more activities together instead of always sitting on the couch, have sex in new ways. Do things together instead of just being together. Tell her that you are there for her, and the she needs to talk to you instead of just going out and finding another guy.

If she cheats on you again, you should drop her.

Answer 2

i don't think getting married ealier would have solved the problem, either. it sounds like she is looking for that 'thrill' that you get in the beginning. you know, that little infatuation feeling. that's not a mature way of thinking and not something that should be sought after. she'll never be satisfied in the state of mind she is in right now.

the thing with the 'thrill' is that it's an awesome/exciting stage in the relationship but it doesn't stay the same. you later progress into different stages (i'm sure you know, as you sound able to adjust to this but not her) where they may be not as 'thrilling' but are nevertheless better and deeper. she sounds like she's having major troubles with the whole spectrum of love and commitment. it seems ppl want instant happiness and some get up to 5 husbands to maintain their interest and youth. frick.

anyway, i don't think you can help her, i think you need a woman who is more mature and trustworthy. if you stay with her, there is heartache ahead and if you ever make children with her i don't think it'll be an easy road before you.

mend up your beautiful man-heart and then start something with a healthier woman. your ex needs to be single until her issues can be sorted out-without her leaning on someone (which would slow her growth and healing).

good luck and God bless

Answer 3

I don't think that you should get back together with her. There is a saying with people that cheat " Once a cheater always a cheater" that is just my opinion though, and I highly doubt that ya'll getting married would have helped. The only reason she was depressed is because she is having to deal with the fact that she cheated on you and she is having to deal with the guilt. It's pileing up on her.

Answer 4

it will take a lot of hard work if you decide to marry. you will have to be able to trust her and put the past behind you both. if you really think you can do this and you still have feelings for her then go for it. you both need to keep up the communication or the relationship will just die out again.

Answer 5

my advise to u to forget about her ,man it's 3 years of relation & she look for another man no way after the first problem she give up she cannot resist the tough life the respnsibility of the housewife how can she aid u to be the best man in all over the world ,woman can aid hasband to be the best or the worst believe me I know
remmember u talk about life relationship it's for ever ,when it happens u cannot change it
best regard to u I hope u think more about my advice my friend
PLS. tell me the result on ([e-mail])

Answer 6

If your heart says to give her another chance, then do so. Some people really do learn from their mistakes. But I would give it another long while before marrying, just to be sure.
If you don't give her a 2nd chance, you may always wonder if you did the right thing by letting her go....it's better to know for sure.
I wish you both well.

Answer 7

If you want to be with her, then be with her. But if that's not what you want, then let her know that way she isn't thinking that something will come out of nothing... And those people are wrong, getting married would ahve made it worse. So if you do get back together, don't go running off to get married.

Answer 8

u must b able 2 4 give , decide if u want 2 keep the relationship please look at all the facts , she
was seeing another man behind your back , so can she b trusted, if so move on with her, if not move on without her.

Answer 9

Do you love her? Do you still feel for her? Ask yourself this and make the choice. But remember:
Once a cheater. Always a cheater.
So don't expect a miracle.

Answer 10

I think you should give her a second chance everybody deserves a second chance trust from a girl who knows