Annoying Mother....?

Question

My mother constantly is telling me I'm doing things wrong with my 13 mo daughter. I'm a first time mom, but think my husband and I have done very well with her. She will call and say things like: "you're not giving her enough milk, (when she doesn't want it) or feed her a bunch before bed (when she won't eat it) etc...makes me think I am a horrible mother. My mom is very sensitive and a hypochondriac (I think) and I don't want to say anything that will jeapordize our relationship. What should I do or say?

Answer 1

Your mother probabaly feels a bit left out. After all, this is the first time that you are truly independant of her. She cannot get you pregnant, have your baby, breastfeed the baby, or have that bond that a mother has with the child. Her insistence on telling you how to bring the child up is her way of being involved in the only way she is able. She may be wrong and way behind the time (wait untill she is telling you to potty train her at 1.5 years old) but she is still trying to help.

You might have to politely tell her that, being your child, you know what is best and that she HAS to give you at least a shot at it. Tell her that you appreciate her advice and cherish the fact that she wants to help, but that the final decision is yours, by way of right....

You might want to help her feel more involved in other ways - choosing the color for her new room, choosing a new stroller, taking her to the park. you will become an expert in seeming to agree while actually doing your own thing your own way...

Answer 2

This is pretty common, so at least know that you're not alone! The easiest and simplest thing to do would be to say, "Thanks mom for your concern and the tips!" and then use what you can, discard the rest. Just let it go in one ear and out the other.

Alternatively, you could try telling her that while you appreciate her "help"...it's your job to raise your children (she had her turn!). Just firmly tell her that if you need help or have questions you'll ask them, but that her continuous advice makes you feel like she doesn't trust you enough to be a good mother and hurts your feelings.

Again, if you're not willing or able to say that to her without risk of harm to your relationship with her, it may just be easier to take the first option.

Answer 3

Simply smile nod your head, then do what you think is right. Everybody has an opinion when it come to kids. I look at this way when my mother tries to give advise. I was raised by her yes, but did she do a good job? My mother drank and beat me when she saw fit. Now she's a different person. This does not change how she raised me? Do I listen to her... HELL NO! This baby is your baby. It's your turn to be the mother. Do what you think is best or what your doctor tells you not what your mother says. You don't have to hurt her feelings. That's why you smile and nod and then do your own thing. I don't tell my mom I don't think she knows what she is talking about, but I sure don't pay much attention to her advise.

Answer 4

If you don't want it to continue you can firmly but kindly tell her to back off. There's a very good book by Deborah Tannen about mothers and daughters and how they communicate. You're mom probably thinks she is showing how much she cares, and you hear it as a critique of your abilities.
I always found the best response was to invoke the pediatrician-
"the Dr. says she'll eat when she's hungry, etc..."
I'll be if you tell your mom how you feel in an honest and sincere way, she'll at least try not to be so interfering.

Answer 5

My mother is the exact same way! If she starts in on me about how I'm raising my daughter, I stand up for myself and tell her that it's my child and I'm doing things my way. She had her chance, now it's my turn to raise a child. She will immediately think of some health issue she can bring up, about herself, to make me feel guilty because I'm not being appreciative of her criticism. Your mother, and mine, is being horribly manipulative and cruel by making you think that if you speak up about how you raise your child, that you will do something to harm the relationship or make her ill in some way. You have to know when to pick your battles. Just ignore her and continue doing it your way for the little things but when something comes up that is truly important to you, stand your ground. I know my mother will do everything in her power to avoid admitting she is wrong, so arguing over little things is a waste of energy and stress, but when I do argue back about the big stuff,she backs down a lot easier. Just be strong and don't let her guilt you into anything. You will have a better relationship with YOUR daughter because of it. Good luck.

Answer 6

I'm sure she just wants whats best for your daughter, but I think she is being a little too concerned. There's nothing wrong with giving you advice on how to raise your child--when you ask for it! Just tell her that you have things under control and that you and your husband know whats best for your daughter. Just assure your mother that if you need help you'll go to her but for right now you've got it all taken care of. I'm sure she'll be fine if you just tell her the truth.

Answer 7

Every mother does this to their children. Here's an idea, tell your mother you love her and appreciate her concern about your child. Then ask her to remember how it felt when her mother did the same to her, ask her how she dealt with it.
I doubt very much that she thinks you are a bad parent. She is trying to offer advice, unwanted though it may be. She loves you and your child, be greatful for that. Always remember though, YOU are the mom this time and you get to make the final decisions. Also remember that as new mothers we are all worried about being a bad parent and sometimes take things to heart when they weren't really meant to make you feel bad.

Answer 8

That has to be irritating! My mother-in-law is the Queen of Unsolicited Advice, and there really isn't anything you can do except smile, say thanks, and keep raising your daughter. My mother-in-law used to get all bent out of shape that one of my sons doesn't drink much milk with meals and told me I needed to find a way to get him to drink more. I told her, as sweetly as possible, he just doesn't like milk but he does like cheese and other things that give him the same nutrients as milk and his doctor said that was OK. She backed off after that, but still talks behind my back, and yes, it's annoying. But moms will be moms ~ hopefully we won't torture our own daughters that way! ;-)

Answer 9

It is possible to let her know how you feel with out hurting her feelings, In you nicest voice possible, simply say "Mom, I appreciate you advise but, sometimes I feel put down when you give me advise on how to take care of *daughters name*, and it would mean a lot to me if you would just let *husband* and I do what we think is best for her." If she gets upset about it, she'll get over it. Don't worry and Good luck!

Answer 10

Smile and tell her very sweetly, "Mom, I do appreciate your advice and take into consideration everything you tell me. But, you had your opportunity to be a mother and look how great I turned out - you did a remarkable job! Can you please give me the space to see what a good mother I can be? Thanks - I love you!"