question about disrespectful teen from a single mother?

Question

I am tired, drained and frustrated. I need prayer and guidance. im a single mom of a 14 year old daughter. I love her so so much. She is such a good child and I am so proud of her on so many levels. She has a good head on her shoulders when it comes to sex and drugs, right and wrong. i only have one problem with her, and its a doosey. She is completely disrespectful to me.

She wears me out every day with her back talk and all around snotty way that she converses with daily talk. Every word that comes out her mouth is dripping with sarcasim and rudeness. She is only like this with me...nobody else. Ive had people tell me that this is normal teen behavior, but it is dragging my self esteem down and has brought tention to the home.

She proclaims to be a christian and Ive told her that this is unexcusable behavior according to the Lord. She likes to switch the parent role and tells me I need to be the one to change my ways towards her. Its not just what she says...its the tone she uses, just to talk normal. I am on her constantly for her mouth and am punishing her everyday. No Phone, tv, favors....When I call her on it....she says she has no clue what Im talking about and im way to over the top sensitive. I tell her she needs to learn how to talk with a kind tone. i have read many books in this department, I have prayed, Im just wearing down more and more everyday. It hurts my heart so bad when I heae her tell others that she doesnt have a good relationship with me. i never wanted it to turn out this way. She would be the perfect child if only I put duct tape on her mouth. (kidding)

Please help!
I only have a few more years with her before shes an adult and I want them to be loving/but disciplined years.
This teen parenting thing is the hardest and most painful thing Ive ever gone thru in my life. i continue to pray.

Answer 1

Hi Beachbound,

Kudos on being a single mom for a teenager, that must be really hard (and especially from your description here). I have a lot of sympathy and respect for you and what you're dealing with, and I am grateful I have my wife to lean on during the rough times with our kids.

I've never seen how you guys interact, I only have your description, but I did have some thoughts when I read your post. I also am focusing on you, since you are the adult, and you are the one who wants to resolve the issue, and the only person you have total control over is yourself:


1. You say your daughter is well-behaved in many areas where she could cut loose -- except in the area of respecting you.

Usually a kid who is this disrespectful towards you as a matter of rebelliousness would also be indulging in lots of behaviors that you've told her not to do, as part of that rebellion.

The fact that she is MATURE (according to you) in those areas suggest that she has a problem with you and your specific relationship, not with authority per se.


2. Yeah, kids hit teenager-dom and automatically become rebellious. This is normal and actually necessary to some degree, because they are trying to break things off as to be an independent adult. They ALWAYS have to go too far... and then come back as an adult and reestablish the relationship with their parents.

In a good parent/kid relationship, the kid will not have to push as hard to "escape" as they will in a relationship where the parent is trying to control things too much -- then they have to push harder in order to break free and establish their independence, before coming back (if they ever do).

It does sound like there are major control issues here. The more you dislike her behavior, the harder you try to control her, and she's just getting worse because of it.

This does not excuse her behavior -- yes, she probably is talking with a cruel tone, being snotty, and the like. But she's also a kid. She's immature, and still trying to figure all this out. She's not supposed to be perfect. She's still got stuff to learn.

You are the role model here. How you talk to her determines in part how she will talk to you. You have to somehow learn how to "guide" her behavior, yet give her room to mess up.


3. To be honest, it sounds like you've cranked the screws too far. (No phone, no tv, punishing her constantly?) You also sound like the sort who really wants to make things work out your way. You have a clear sense of right and wrong and are not very prone to allowing people the flexibility to make mistakes.

If I were in her shoes (and I have three kids, btw, one who will be a teenager shortly), based on what you said here, I think I'd have a LOT of anger towards you for the way you'd treated me. I can see why she would react towards you this way.

Overall, I think you've got such great intentions for you and your daughter, but you're trying too hard to control her and force her to do what you think is right. And you're SO exhausted right now.

When a parent is doing what God wants, they are not exhausted in the way that you describe; they might get tired, true, and worry, but they also have a peace about them and trust that God's still in control of their kids, no matter how far they might stray.

This is going to hurt, I know, but I don't know any other way around it: First things first, you need to listen to your daughter, to find out what is going on.

You need to sit down with her with a clear head, promise you that you will not respond angrily to her or levy a punishment on her, and ask her to explain exactly why she is mad with you.

Ask her for examples of ways she thinks you've offended her or disrespected her. Ask her what she wants in a mother. Ask her how she sees herself.

Don't bother defending yourself right now. Don't try to justify anything. You don't NEED to do that, God's on your side, He's protecting you and you're safe in Him no matter WHAT is said at this meeting.

Just listen to your daughter and hear what she has to say, even if you don't like it or you disagree with her. You've GOT to get this stuff in the open.

Meanwhile, pray for peace, for calmness, pray that you will feel real love and patience for your daughter, that you can be the adult while she's going off half-******. Pray for wisdom, for insight, for clear-sightedness about any beams that might be in your own eye while you try to get the speck out of hers.

Let me repeat: You are the mom. You're the grown-up. You're in God's hands. This is not actually a threatening situation, even if it feels that way. You can take ANYTHING your daughter throws at you. Your peace is in God's hands, not hers. Let her do her worst... and listen to her so that you can understand her feelings.

You're trying so hard to be a good mom, you want so badly to do the right thing... but it sounds like you are trying too hard, and it's driving your daughter away in the process. I think the worst thing you could do is tighten the screws further; you will lose her completely, and possibly drive her from her faith every time you try to trump her with the "God" card.

You need support from your local church -- and I mean people you can share with, who will pray with you and for you, people who will help emulate how to love people in ways that respect them as individuals and still desire the best for them. Books don't cut it: You need some real, breathing, human support. You're so tired, you can't do this alone.

Again, I think she's angry at you in some understandable ways, and this is coupled with teenage angst. If the only problem here is her disrespectful mouth, then I think it's likely your relationship is what needs to be fixed, and it's likely that you are trying too hard to control her behavior, and that she doesn't feel respected as an individual.

God is the ultimate parent. He doesn't browbeat us into submission. He loves us, gives us room to fail, and is there to pick us up afterwards without recrimination. He can handle it when we flip out from time to time, and forgives us when we repent. He even lets us reject him if we want to... but how he seems to respect us as individuals is what really encourages us to come back. What he shows us is what real love is.

Bless you for trying so hard to do the right thing and for trying to find some answers. I hope this was helpful, or maybe gives you an insight you did not have before.

Answer 2

I know a lot of people who are going through the same issues and you know what this isn't something that happen over night.
You were not seeing the warning signs. Praying will get you Patience and comfort. Tough love(that's the medicine for her sickness) you see children are going to have friends come and go from the moment they can walk to the moment they are old. however they only have one mother and one father so why is that parents feel that they need to be friends with there child. that is when they see as an equal and not an authority.

Another thing she is only 14 at that age you have no choice but what your mother told you. I don't know growing up before I picked of the phone to call someone I had to ask permission to use the phone "until you pay any bills in this house or put food in the fridge. you have no say in what goes on in this his but what I tell you " is what my mom would tell me


for the record I'm only 21 I would never speak to mom like that and to tell you the truth if I would they would be a 20 foot distance.

Answer 3

It sure sounds like your daughter considers you an equal in everything. This usually happens when the parent gives up (by choice or passively) the role as parent to become a friend. Once you have lost your position it is very hard to get it back (if possible at all!)
The best way to get some resemblance of a proper role is to choose your battles very carefully and then stand your ground with the statement "I am still your mother and as long as I am supporting you I expect______or this will be the consequences) EXPECT A BATTLE but do not give an inch.
Aim for respect as your goal and end result.

Answer 4

Sounds like other than her attitude, she's got her head on her shoulders. Good job. Unfortunately, attitude towards your parents during your teen years is common and unavoidable to a degree. Sounds like maybe you need to sit down and have a talk with her. Maybe there is something you have done that has upset her? While it may be something that seems silly to you, at that age, the hormones are raging, and sometimes teens take things a bit too seriously and can be very sensitive.
Have a talk with her, and keep showing her that being rude is an unacceptable behavior, and will not be tolerated. Hopefully you two can work things out!

Answer 5

Just as she did during her "terrible two's" she is pushing the limits to see how far she can go. Accentuate the positive. Make certain you are noticing when she using correct usage of language, even if it is as simple as a thank you for passing the salt. Try to ignore the minor things that she does and only call her on the big things that are very important to you. If you nick-pick every time she opens her mouth she is going to think that nothing she does pleases you--she may as well give up and misbehave all the time.
Children behave the worst AND the best with their parents, you are her test for the outside world. Make your home a happy place and try very hard to not hear the minor infractions. Good luck, she is worth all of your hard work!

Answer 6

I, being a teen, i think I'm also kind of this way ( Not to that extreme) and I just wish maybe my mom would talk to me and ask me if there's something wrong. Because she might be going something tough that you don't know about, or jus have depression. I know I wish my mom would know the whole story before she yells at me and compares me to my sister. I suggest sitting down and having a serious talk with her. Telling her that she can tell you anything and ask if there's any thing wrong. Maybe let her know how much you still love her too.

Answer 7

Here is a thought. Have a conversation with her, give her the list of all the good things that she does and how you appreciate this then, let her know that there is an area that she needs to work on and improve. Inform her from here on if she is rude and sarcastic that you will not respond to her. When she learns to communicate appropriately then you will be happy to speak with her. If she wants to be treated like an adult, then she needs to start acting like one. Remember the Bible says "He is a Father to the fatherless" I know that this will be difficult and she is going to push the limits and see if you mean what you say. Keep on praying and believing that God can do all things.

Answer 8

This is tough. And we may not have enough information.

Is it possible that she may not feel like you understand her or are critical of her? Does she know that you are proud of her and love her?

I know your first impulse is probably to say, "Yes!" because you love her. But does she know it? How do you know she knows it?

If she's really good in other respects, my belief is that this a reaction to something unresolved between the two of you. Either you have hurt her feelings in a way that she may not know how to tell you directly, or she's going through something that she doesn't know how to deal with or talk about and keeping a fight going with you is her way of getting your attention.

When I was in high school and took biology, I fought tooth and nail over evolution. I read everything I could get my hands on, I asked questions. I held up our class so much that we didn't get to do dissection. My classmates were so annoyed. At the end of the grading period, they asked me what I made. I made an A. They weren't happy with that, and accused me of sleeping with the teacher.

Can you spell, MORTIFIED? I was so embarrassed. I had no idea how to tell my parents. I started having panic attacks, and social anxiety. I hated going to school, and started refusing to go. My mom was so mad at me and assumed that I was just being stubborn for no reason.

One day, she took me to school despite my protests and I refused to get out of the car. I was near hysterical, and I know she was so frustrated that she didn't know what to do. She ended up taking me out and spending the day with me. It's one of the better memories I have of her.

She started out saying how she should have punished me instead of taking me out, but as the day progressed, I think she could tell how freaked out I was, even though she never knew (never even asked) why.

I was 15. I think I was articulate for a 15 year old. I can tell you today, as an adult what the problem was. For whatever reason, I couldn't say it then. It was too threatening. Too embarrassing.

There are some really good books that may help (and I'll list them at the end), but I think it might be good if you can get to a competent Christian counselor. This is a link to the American Association of Christian Counselors: http://aacc.net/resources/find-a-counselor/

A good counselor is going to try to help the two of you communicate better and resolve the root of the problem - not just end the symptom.

Think of her disrespectful speech as a symptom of dysfunction. You don't just want to end the symptom (it's there for a reason - to alert you that there is something that needs fixing) you want to cure the cause of it.

Answer 9

UGH! I know what you mean. I have a 16 yr old son who has a tendency to pull the sarcastic remarks with me as well. And everytime he does it, he gets punished. Most of the time he stops when he gets the warning "You're gonna get it". But sometimes he pushes it to see how far I will go. After saying something twice, I end up making a game of it. "What is gonna be taken away if you so much as hrumph in my direction? How about, your phone?" ^_^ I have also done it back to him. I let him go on and on (and on and on *sigh*) and then waited for him to want something from me and I give him the same sarcastic remarks he has given me. Usually I roll my eyes and say "Ya know, I just don't have time to mess with something you want. I've got a game to play on the computer." hehehe... have fun with it... don't let a teenager get to you. ^_^

Answer 10

I would try some Pastoral counciling, but most of all I would get on my knees before God DAILY and ask his help. She obviously has a problem with you or just authority that you represent. Whatever it is you may be blind to it and counciling will help..
Have you fasted and prayed, and get your prayer group praying for her.
I went through tons of counciling with my daughter, and in the end they just said (she's rebellious) mine never got over it, I pray that yours does.

Answer 11

- She's a teenager, that's just how they are

- Prayer won't do anything

- If you're that worried about it, ask a child psychologist what is correct and incorrect behavior for someone her age and ask what you should do

- You seem like a good parent, keep up the good work