My mother wants me to add her friends to my daughters graduation party. do I comply or hold firm?

Question

EVery tme I have a party ( well the last 2 times) my loving but pushy mother pressures me to add 2-3 couples of her personal friends. The last event was a housewarming party I had. I am blessed to have an upscale home . I feel she wants to "show me off". I complied the last time. This event she wants to include her friends at is my daughters high school graduation. I don't want to be a stickler over 6 more people because I can AFFORD to have additional guests but its not the point. she trys to control the guest list with her friends. I am 42 and don't know what to do. am I being unreasonable?

Answer 1

Well I do not know your mother, but from the sound of it. It appears she is proud of you and your daughter and wants her friends to see how well you are doing.
Your 42 which means your mother is most likely in her 60tys + which means life for her has less pleasures left. She is your mother and when she is gone, little things like this will seem like miss chances of memories to share.
You know she has no control over your choices but if it makes her feel like she is then what harm is there really.
Trust me one day you will be glad you let this happen.

Answer 2

I empathize. You are in a tough space. You are NOT being unreasonable. She probably does what to show you off - it may be normal for parents to do this, but it is not always comfortable for the child, especially when the child is an adult.

you might be able to educate your mother, maybe not. Whichever path you take, either she will hurt, or you will hurt.

I can not tell you if it is better to try to stop your mother from controlling YOUR guest list by making her stop "cold turkey" as in NO MORE GUESTS FROM YOU EVER, or if it is better to try to wean her slowly. Which one would work best, what would be most effective, and what would cause the least pain probably depends on your mother's personality.


But to deal with the immediate issue;
Is this the graduation ceremony or a party afterword? i see no intrinsic reason not to let extra people come to the ceremony.
But if it is the party, i really think your daughters friends and close family is it. Just my opinion , of course.

There is 1 point - your mother may be trying to control, but she might ALSO be wanting to insure that there will be someone at the event she can talk to or even go with. Since this may be the case, I suggest you start by setting limits on the number of people that you ALLOW her to bring. Sometimes you pick from among her list ( based on who is closer to your daughter) and other times, just reduce the number of people she can add to the guest list.

There may come a time when she tries to strongly re-assert control. She may say, " if I can't invite these 4 friends, I am just not coming." Be prepared. The proper and healthy response to this is "I am sorry to hear that. We will miss you. " and change the topic.

Again, I empathize, It will take work, and some of it will be painful.

Answer 3

I think your question is more like this. If my mother's request is not done, Will I be able to handle the consequences? Or, is this that important to me that I want to make this stand now? You are 42, and I can't imagine what you are going through. I don't know how close you are to your mother. But, are these people so bad?: Or do you want to tell your mother finally after all these years that you are not her little girl any more. I think you should invite them for now. And have a conversation with Mom after. I do not believe you are being unreasonable, but changing the rules without any notice to your mommy will cause problems for sure. Tell her the rules are changed after the party. Then when she wants to ask in the future, she will already know how you feel and maybe (one hopes) she won't ask. I know this sounds kind of PollyAnna and people don't work like recipes but it may work and by the way GOOD LUCK!

Answer 4

You are not being unreasonable in the least.
It's incredibly rude of her to invite guests as if she were the host in YOUR home.

But to be fair, think of the people that she would be trying to invite, do any of those people have any sort of decent connection with your daughter? Do they even know her? If not, then they have no reason whatsoever to be there.

Refuse. And be incredibly firm. This is your house and only you and your daughter should have any say in who comes and who doesn't.

If your mother wants to pay your mortage and all your bills, then she can decide, but since she doesn't, you are more than old enough and more than capable of making decisions.

Best of luck to you. Be strong.

Answer 5

A Graduation Party is for the KIDS....not for Grandmothers and certainly not for the Grandmother's friends.
Being a Southerner, and having a mother that loves to keep to keep with old Southern traditions, I have learned that a Graduation "Tea" is a possibility to keeping the Grandmother happy. An EARLY Saturday or Sunday afternoon, finger sandwiches, cookies, and punch with an HOUR get together with relatives and Grandmothers would be fine. Even better, a nice cake and ice cream social after church! It teaches your kids to interact with assorted adults in a proper setting, sets the law for pushy mothers, and it's CHEAP.
Grandmothers, and certainly Grandmother's FRIENDS, have NO PLACE AT A KIDS PARTY ....PERIOD!

Answer 6

Okay...

at 42... You're the master of your universe... not her.

I... personally would hold firm.

I'd say MOM... if you want to invite YOUR GUEST to a party... then THROW one.

Explain to her that YOUR parties are HOSTED by YOU and the participants are HAND PICKED by you.

And Being a STICKLER? I don't think so.... adding 6 people does RAISE the STAKES...

If it is a finantial concern and... you really don't MIND them being there... how about telling your mom THAT. Say... YOU kick in the extra 10 hamburgers and DOGS and roles, and potato salad... and SURE go invite them.

TO me... this isn't even in debate.

Your Party at YOUR house... Your rules.

Politely but FIRMLY tell your mom... "NO... sorry."

Answer 7

Not really. Instead of sticking to an outright yes or no answer why don't you try reaching a compromise ?......I'm sure theres a couple of your mom's friends you can stand for an hour or two, ask her for a list of friends and tell her you will invite some but that it will be you & your daughter's choices because its your house and your party. Try to make it look like she won and she won't give you any flak. Good luck.

Answer 8

It's not unreasonable to want what you want.

And I guess I should go off on the obligatory rant about how problems between parents and offspring aren't solved magically by getting older. They're resolved through working through the problems.

For example, I use to have a horrible relationship with my parents, but at some point I decided that I needed to be my own person, regardless of them. After I discussed this with them at length, and after a number of difficulties, we finally did work it out, and I'm on much better terms, more like people, as opposed to parents and child

Answer 9

It's totally up to you. I would want her to come, but I wouldn't add any of her friends unless they were close to your daughter. I would think the guest list should include your family and your daughters friends. You might suggest to your mom that she and her friends take your daughter out for a special lunch or dinner sometime in the future. It would be a special gesture that wold probably be very much appreciated.

You are not out of line here.

Answer 10

No it is your party and your home. The fact that you can afford it is besides the point. Say a friend invites you to a party at her home. You don't pressure your friend to invite a couple of your friends. Why because it is rude. Just because she's your mom doesn't mean she can invite who she wants. Besides why would your daughter want people there she doesn't even know.