what is the funniest joke you know?

Answer 1

Guy walks into a bar with an octopus. Says to the bartender 'I'll bet a hundred dollars this octopus can play any instrument in the place.'
So the bartender points at the piano in the corner says, 'Go ahead.'
Guy puts the octopus on the piano stool, octopus flips up the lid, plays a few scales, then lays out a little étude on the piano.
So guys says 'Pay up,'
Bartender says 'Wait a minute,' pulls out a guitar.
Guy gives the octopus the guitar, octopus tightens up the E-string, closes its eyes, plays a sweet little fandango on the guitar.
Guy says 'Pay up,'
Bartender says 'Hold on, I think I've got something else around here,' pulls a clarinet out of the back room. Octopus looks the thing over a couple of times, tightens the reed. Well, the octopus isn't good exactly, but he manages to squeak out a few bars on the clarinet. He isn't going to win any awards, but he plays the thing.
Guy says 'Pay up,'
The bartender says "Just wait one minute,' goes in the back rummages around finally comes out with a bagpipes. Plops the bagpipes up on the bar.
Guy brings the octopus over, plops the octopus up next to the bagpipes.
Octopus looks the bagpipes over, reaches out lifts one pipe lets it drop. Lifts another lets it drop. Backs up, squints at the bagpipes.
Guy gets nervous, comes over to the bar says to the octopus 'What's the matter? Can't you play it?'
And the octopus says 'Play it? If I can figure out how to get its pajamas off, I'm gonna f**k it!'"

Answer 2

One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing

staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.
The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time,
so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the
plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son."
"Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking his eyes off
the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service",
replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the
large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly,
"Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"

Answer 3

It's a three-fer

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

Answer 4

a blonde was in the obstetricians office.a few other pregnant women were in there also.... chit chatting about pregnancy and whatnot. One woman said " my hubby and i did it sideways... so we're gonna have a girl."
Another woman said, "i was on top... and we're having a boy".
The blonde became noticably upset.... and after a few minutes started wailing as she cried. The other expectant mothers rushed to her side... begging her to tell them what was wrong.
"i'm.... i'm... I'M GONNA HAVE PUPPIES!!!!!!"
lol

Answer 5

I know someone so slow that it takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.

Answer 6

Your momma's so stupid that she stuck a cell phone up her but & said she was makin a bootie call. lol

Answer 7

i lived in maryland where gay people live hahahahaha

Answer 8

blonde jokes-i've heard all of them.... i'm not a blonde....
ha/ha....

Answer 9

( a truck driver told this one to my husband)
beautiful girls work at hooters.......
where do one legged girls work.................IHOP