im so bored anyone got any jokes?

Question

please dont answer with sick coments, or bad jokes they dont make me laugh they give me the creeps!please say something funny, im bored.lol helpppppppp!oh and while your answering heres a riddle,,,
the man who made it didnt want it
the man who bought it didnt need it
the man who used it never knew it!!
what is it?

~HAVE FUN~

Answer 1

Yo momma’s so fat she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.

Yo momma’s so fat that she has to wear two watches cuz she takes up two time zones.

Yo momma’s so fat she was in the middle of the highway I tried to swerve but ran out of gas.

Yo momma’s so fat she started singing "we are family, McDonalds, Burger King and me.

Yo momma’s so fat the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her farts!

Yo momma’s so fat when she put on high-heels and walked out onto the street, she struck oil!

Yo momma’s so fat that when she was floatin' in the ocean Spain tried to claim her as the new world.

Yo momma’s so fat when she jumped on a trampoline with yellow on, the sun said I give up!

Yo momma’s so fat when she went to the beach and got into the water scientist classified her as a new species of whale.

Yo momma's so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!

Yo momma's so fat she plays hopscotch like this: LA, Detroit, Chicago, NY.

Yo momma's so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn".

Yo momma's so fat that they had to change "One size fit's all" to "One size fits most"

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up ... you're next!"

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground.
Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

A blonde gets on a elevator and a man is standing there and she turned and smiled at him and said; "Hi.....T.G.I.F." " S.H.I.T. " replied the man "Excuse me...how rude T.G.I.F." responded the blonde "S.H.I.T." replied that man "Maybe you don't know what I am saying, T.G.I.F means Thank Goodness It's Friday!" " You didn't understand me, S.H.I.T ....."Sorry honey, it's Thursday

A coffin

Answer 2

A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying
air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise
cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.

She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took
her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid.
Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it
under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of
the playground. Signed, A blonde."

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him
home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked,
and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree.
The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that
said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?



the answer is coffin

Answer 3

REAL NEWSPAPER ADS:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES... Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog... able to
leap tall fences in a single bound.
FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat... been out a while. Better be a reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie.

AND THE BEST ONE:

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.

__._,_.___

Answer 4

ok this is a true application from the girls father to the guys lol i was lmao and i still am

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION
TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: THIS APPLICATION WILL BE INCOMPLETE AND REJECTED UNLESS ACCOMPANIED BY A COMPLETE FINANCIAL STATEMENT, WORK HISTORY, LINEAGE, AND CURRENT MEDICAL REPORT FROM YOUR DOCTOR.

1. NAME_________________________________

DATE OF BIRTH___/___/___


2.HEIGHT__________________WEIGHT___________IQ______GPA_______

3. SOCIAL SECURITY#______________DRIVERS LIC#_______________

4. BOY SCOUT RANK___________________________

5. HOME ADDRESS______________CITY/STATE_______________ZIP_______

6. DO YOU HAVE ONE MALE AND ONE FEMALE PARENT?_______________
IF NO, PLEASE EXPLAIN___________________________________

7. NUMBER OF YEARS PARENTS MARRIED?____________________

8. DO YOU OWN A VAN?________________MOTORCYCLE?______________
TRUCK WITH OVERSIZED TIRES?___________WATERBED?____________
DO YOU HAVE AN EARRING?____NOSE RING?____BELLY BUTTON RING__

9. IN 50 WORDS OR LESS, WHAT DOES DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER MEANS TO YOU?__________________________________________________

10. IN 50 WORDS OR LESS, WHAT DOES LATE MEAN TO YOU?________________________________________________________

11. IN 50 WORDS OR LESS, WHAT DOES ABSTINENCE MEAN TO YOU?__________________________________________

12. CHURCH YOU ATTEND?________________________

13. WHEN WOULD BE THE BEST TIME TO INTERVIEW YOUR FATHER?_________MOTHER?___________PRIEST?__________

14. ANSWER BY FILLING IN THE BLANK. PLEASE ANSWER FREELY, ALL ANSWERS ARE CONFIDENTIAL (THAT MEANS I WON'T TELL ANYONE)
A. IF I WERE SHOT, THE LAST PLACE ON MY BODY I WOULD WANT WOUNDED IS THE ________________
B. IF I WERE BEATEN, THE LAST PLACE I WOULD WANT BROKEN IS MY _____________
C. A WOMAN'S PLACE IS IN THE ______________
D.. THE ONE THING I HOPE THIS APPLICATION DOESN'T ASK IS _________
E. WHEN I FIRST MEET A GIRL, THE THING I NOTICE FIRST IS HER ________
(NOTE: IF THE ANSWERS STARTS WITH A T OR AN A, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES, KEEPING LOW AND RUNNING IN A SERPENTINE FASHION IS ADVISED.)

15. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE IF YOU GROW UP?________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL OF THE INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICA AN TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION,ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

_________________________________
SIGNATURE (THAT MEANS YOU SIGN YOUR NAME)

THANK YOU FOR YOUR INTEREST. PLEASE ALLOW FOUR TO SIX YEARS FOR PROCESSING. YOU WILL BE NOTIFIED IN WRITING IF YOU ARE APPROVED. PLEASE DO NOT CALL OR WRITE (AS IT WILL CAUSE YOU INJURY)

Answer 5

Have you ever heard of the guy with a mullet?
He was married to the lady with a mullet - fullet.
They had a child between them - chullet.
They had a bald grandfather who had a mullet - gullet.
Mullet, fullet, chullet and gullet enjoyed each other's company on outings to the park.

Answer 6

Subject: Seven Dwarfs
>
>
> The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are THE seven
> dwarfs,
> they are ushered in to see the Pope.
>
> Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do
> for you?"
>
> Dopey asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in
> Rome?"
>
> The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and
> answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
>
> In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
>
> Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.
>
> Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of
> Europe?"
>
> The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No,
> Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
>
> This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again,
> Dopey turns around and silences them, with an angry glare.
>
> Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere
> in
> the world?"
>
> "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
>
> The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding
> the floor, as they begin chanting......
>
> "Dopey screwed a penguin!"......
> "Dopey screwed a penguin!"......

Answer 7

I was chatting with a woman yesterday online, and she kept telleing me she'd be right back (brb). After a while of this she finally asked me if i thought her computer had a virus. She said her computer kept telling her she had mail, but everytime she went out to her mail box it was empty!

Answer 8

Ireland was about to send their first astronauts into space.
Their mission was to be the first to land on the Sun.
At the press conference before the launch,a journalist asked:"But won't you be burned to a crisp?"
"No." said one of astronauts."We're landing at night."

Answer 9

the answer is a coffin.
Here's a joke for you.
How do you make a boy mad?
You put him in a circle and tell him to pee in a corner!

Answer 10

try this website.. it work out for me when i'm bored..

www.bored.com
www.teagames.com