I am 25 and ready to date someone i want to be with forever, but I can't seem to let go (in the heart) of a previuos boyfriend. The thing is the other relationship lasted for 2 years but ended badly, and right now we are not on speaking terms. I secretly hold on to the idea of it happening for us someday. Its hard because other men are intersted and are very nice and i would normally be very attracted but i just cant let the other guy go. I know the obvious "just let it go" thing, but i need some others real life experiences to reflect on. Please let me know your thoughts.
2006-06-11 03:04:28 · 10 answers · asked by Sarah 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
Hon, from what I am reading you really aren't ready for another relationship right now if you are still hanging on to the memories of your previous relationship with the hope that things will happen for you both someday. Honestly, the chances are that they will are pretty slim to none, especially if you both are not on speaking terms.
You need to take some time to yourself and sort out your feelings for this guy. You need to make an honest assessment of what was good in the relationship, as well as what was bad, so that you have a better idea of what kind of relationship you want in the future. You need to determine what you will and will not accept in a relationship in the future, as well as assess what you both did wrong in the relationship that caused it to fail. This is especially important because one person is never solely responsible for a relationship's failure; both people are and to move on successfully you have to take responsibility for your own actions. Additionally, you will eventually need to forgive your ex for his contributions to the failure of the relationship, as well as forgive yourself. If you don't, you will carry that baggage into the next love affair you have and nothing will ever get resolved.
If you rush into another relationship now, while you are still reeling from the other one, you are getting involved for all of the wrong reasons: you don't want to be alone, you are afraid of being alone, etc etc etc. It will be a classic rebound situation. You won't be getting involved because you really like the new guy. You are getting involved because you can't handle being alone or you want to replicate what you had (when it was good) with your ex. Relationships like this are DOOMED.
Take some time for yourself. Relax. Read, or hang out with your friends. Write your feelings in a journal; get to know who you are, sort your feelings out, and then, when you are ready, forgive your ex and yourself. When you feel positive about things again (including yourself) then and only then are you ready for another relationship.
How do I know this? Life experience. I am 50 now and I had to learn the hard way. When I was your age I was involved with a guy who I THOUGHT was the love of my life. It didn't work out, so in my panic, I rushed into a relationship with a guy who paid lots and lots of attention to me. I thought HE was the love of my life, too. What did I do? 2 years later we got married. OY! What a mistake that was. We were married for 10 years, and after 10 years of his craziness I finally was brave enough to get out of the marriage and get a divorce. He was NUTS - verbally abusive at first, and then he became physically abusive. When we dated I saw these things in him, but ignored them. I ignored my intuition - my gut told me he was nuts and that he was troubled, but because I was scared of being alone, I married him anyway. Why? Because he was romantic. Ahhh, nothing like lessons learned.
I stepped back, assessed my wants and needs, forgave him and myself for our mistakes, and decided what I wanted. 4 years after my divorce and a few lousy relationships later, I met my second husband and married him 6 months later. That was 6 years ago and we are happy. In the end it worked out for me, but the stress of a miserable marriage because of my fears of aloneness made me sick. So don't do it.
Take time for you, and sorry this is so long.
2006-06-11 03:25:16 · answer #1 · answered by Sweet Pea 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I am a male, and was in a position similar to yours a few years ago. The heartache and yearning were terrible when she moved to another country. But time healed a lot of wounds, today I am married, and feel that whatever happened, happened for the best. These past 26 years (25 married to my one and only spouse) have been the most wonderful years, so I've no regrets!. Could I have had the same with the earlier girl I thought I loved? Somehow or the other I don't think so.
Hope I have been of help.
st
2006-06-11 03:07:48 · answer #2 · answered by Starreply 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Moving in together is unlikely to change your feelings, and any time he's 5 minutes late home, you'll go nuts. You have trust issues and you need to work through them. Why be with someone you do not trust? If you trust him, then you wouldn't be worried about who he's with and what might happen. Just about everyone who reaches adulthood has a relationship 'past'. You're just going to have to learn to get over that and appreciate that he's with YOU now, not those women of the past. If you don't get a grip on things (professional counseling perhaps, if you can't make up your mind to let these issues go), then you too will be one of his exes, before too long.
2016-03-27 00:31:28 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Move on.
My 1st marriage ended in Divorce after 7 years. I thought my life had ended, and I thought life would never be the same. It was hard.
After 3 yrs, I remarried, now for 29 yrs to a wonderful woman.
You can "let go", and move on. Talking with others is the best way. SMILE when you meet someone; it shows you like yourself, and others will like you, too.
Best wishes.
2006-06-11 03:09:28 · answer #4 · answered by fredg 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
yes you need to move on .you never know what new and exciting things a new friend could bring into your life. Yes i have been in your position and it is easy to say move on, alot easier then to do it. But trust in my thoughts, and past, this x is in your heart but is he really let someone else take u out and let your self have fun this does not mean you are committing to anything. You may find out that this spot in your heart will heal and open to a much bigger and better love.
2006-06-11 03:23:02 · answer #5 · answered by rickster9163 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I WAS IN A SITUTATION LIKE THAT. I stayed with the one I was staying and started going out with the new one to see his character and if i liek him or not, so that i don't leave the old bf for nothing, because there is a chance i won't like the character of the new one. and i did aroound 2 months meeting him in a hidden place, and the new bf had a fiancee already and we kept it secret. and i changed the old one with him, becuase the new one was like more attracted to me
2006-06-11 03:42:42 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
you need to let go and grow from the experance,give yourself time to learn whatever that relationship was ment to teach you before moving into onther,otherwise it might repeat itself,every thing in life happens for a reason,but we have to look for what that reason was and learn from it
2006-06-11 03:23:10 · answer #7 · answered by norman 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
follow your heart,love is an art.every relationship is as different as those entering them,your only 25 .there is lots of time to screwup
2006-06-11 03:12:00 · answer #8 · answered by straidogg014 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you would have never asked if you didn't already know the answer to that i hope you understand what i mean if you are thinking it you know you are better off to move on good luck to you if you do
2006-06-11 03:09:11 · answer #9 · answered by LOLO 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Let it go! Move on! Be happy!!!
2006-06-11 03:07:37 · answer #10 · answered by Dusty 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋