How do I discipline my teenage son?

Question

I'm a single mom & have caught my son-15 chewing several times over the last 2 yrs. He was grounded each time for 2-3 wks (no phone, cell, tv, friends, music, activities) He hasn't for a while, but I just caught him again! His father gets him every other wkend & does not back me up in disciplining him (I have tried working w/him on this to no avail-- we've been divorced since my son was born) I do not have support from my family either. My son was suspended from school last yr for 7 wks for being the middle man in a drug transaction, my parents "babysat" him everyday while I was at work&made him work & he was completely grounded.That worked at the time(I also bought at-home drug kits for random testing-they cover everything incl. alcohol and nicotine) So even though I have these tests & he knows I'll use them, he continues to push me, knowing it will get worse for him each time. He's a good kid, we are very close & open.I don't care if "everybody else does it", HE is not allowed. HELP!

Answer 1

I have had a similar problem because my husband died when my son was 10 years old--maybe it was even worse, because my son wanted to be the "man" in the house.

First and foremost, if your son is on some kind of drug, then punishment will not work at all--you will have to take more drastic steps. Before you take any steps, sit down with your son and talk to him---not about drugs/alcohol, but ask him what exactly is bothering him so much that he feels the need to fit in with the crowd. Maybe that will lead to a more in depth discussion on why he chose to do drugs. Because, as you can imagine, once he realizes his own problem, there is a chance to fix it. Just keep in mind that he is a teenager, they will not listen to our preaching, they do feel invincible, they feel they are in control---"it can't happen to me" kind of thing.

If you can get your son to talk about what is bothering him, the next step would be to involve his father, because it is important to decide togherther on what to do next and how to go about the rest.

Since I did not have a husband any longer I decided to find a parenting support group. That's where I got a lot of help and that might help you too. Bringing my problems to this group helped me inasmuch that I was able to change the way I approached my teen, and it also helped me find solutions.
I enrolled my son in a counseling program and with the help of the counselor decided that it was best to have my son admitted to a hospital for children who resorted to alcohol and drugs. My son was able to communicate with other children about his problems, got good counseling there, and made the decision that drugs were not for him. He was uptset that I put him there, but I dealt with that, because the most important thing to me was that my son got all the help necessary out there and it was worth every penny spent, because he is totally away from drugs, was able to join the military, is married now. So when considering your options consider that IF he is on drugs, he will not be able to get out of that alone.

If he is not seriously on drugs---a drugtest will reveal that(and depending on your insurance it might even be paid for by them), then I really would suggest that you look for a parenting support group to get support and good ideas on how to deal with your teenage son. I went to a group called Parents Anonymus, I have no idea if they still exist---if they don't, then you might consider starting a group of your own. The support is important. Teenage boys in particular are too often thinking that they are a man and do not need our guidance and advice. Whatever you do, consider that punishment might only be temporarily.

Another thing I did was enroll my son in karate---he told me years later that this really helped him to let off a lot of steam. Teenagers want to have some sort of control, they don't have it because they are still under our care, so they do get very angry when we decide that something is not good for them, and then they do that very same thing, just to defy us.

Lastly, I did hear a report on the news not so very long ago that the reaction of teenagers is also hormone related. Once they are in puberty, there is a constant up and down because their hormone input is not regulated by the brain yet.

I do not know if this helped you, but I sure hope so and wish you the best of luck.

Answer 2

What is 'chewing'? I'll take it as relating to some manner of drugging. Where drugs are involved, you'll have a very hard time getting him out of it. The harder the drug, the worse it'll be. At his age, drugs are seen as the cutting edge in rebellion, and the more sense adults try to talk, the less teens will be willing to see it. I'll assume you don't have loads of money, but you do have a good relationship, so that's a plus.

I've often wondered what would have set me straight when I was 16. I think it might have been seeing and speaking to people at the far end of the narcotic production line, people that had been in and out of rehab, dealers that were trying to get straight, people trying to pick up the pieces of their lives. It'll be hard work getting your son to meet these people and talk to them, but I think if you want to get him right, you'll find a way.

I've lost 2 mates to coke. One is in jail, the other has been doing it daily for 12 years and can't hold light conversation. If I had seen him the way he is now, 12 years back, I think I would never have had another toke.

Tough love is another angle. If his behaviour worsens, shutting down all his options for continuing on that path is a difficult but often effective approach. Let him know that while he lives under your roof, he will not be involved in those activities. You'll need your exes support on this (and in any approach, I think). There is plenty on the web about how tough love works.

Maybe buy him the book "a million little pieces" by someone Frey. It's worth the read.

Good luck.

Answer 3

First lay down the rules in your house. If he doe something you don't like take his money. Or even worse talk to a policeman and get that kid in jail for two weeks. He'll learn it's not fun in there. Crash his lab. Brake every thing with a hammer. Then he'll know your in charge. And also you have a weapon already in your handed if he thinks he's gon a beat you up. Never give him power. Make him see theripist. Rehab! It's not your fault he's struggling remember that. Keep up with the grounding. And second nobody else does it. He may be good. But right now your working with someone who could posibly die from an over dose. That has to be your worry.

Answer 4

Chewing?

I'll assume that means taking drugs or something like that, hmm well having been in that scene for a few (18) years my guess is there isn't much you can do that will stop him, you need to let him know that you are there to support him though otherwise you may loose him or he might take off, I am not sure where you are but if it's in the US then I guess you might have a bigger problem than I had as I am in Aust.

Whatever you do just don't push him away by being too strict or hard on him, you might end up regretting it.

Answer 5

I know what you're going through. My 14 year old is going through a very rebelious stage and trying my patience quit a bit recently. Last week he got arrested for fighting on the school bus headed to summer school. He's also a "good kid" and has never gotten into this kind of trouble before.

For your son, have you tried getting him to volunteer for some agency? Maybe get in contact with a hospital that works with cancer patients. If he actually saw the effects of cancer on a young person that would change his views of tobacco use.

Good luck! It sounds like you really love him and are as concerned as we are about our son.

Answer 6

Don't let the cops deal with it. The only thing you can do at this point considering he'll be 18 in no time is to constantly remind him that there is a consequence or benefit to every decision he makes, and he has to be willing to accept the consequences as readily as the benefits of those decisions. As for spending a couple of nights in jail straightening him out, bull, 35 years ago I went to jail for one year for 2.66 grams of pot, I didn't think it was wrong for a young adult to smoke it then and I still don't. All that year of incarceration did was cost taxpayers thousands of dollars because I milked every program that was available. As for the effect it's all had on my life I am currently very successfully self employed, have been for the past 15 years, before that I did a 10 year stint in the corporate world as a piping and electrical designer for a major oil company, and I still smoke pot because I enjoy it and I don't think that distillers should have more rights to produce intoxicants than mother nature.

So all you can do at this point in his life is to keep reminding him that when he makes his decisions to keep tomorrow in mind.

Answer 7

Had a simimliar experience and my son too is fifteen. Reading your story sounds just like mine. He went to grandparents after school,divorced when he was young,etc.
I had a friend give me some really good advice that has worked perfectly. No drivers license...........without good choices. I can't let you drive if I can't trust you to make good decisions in life.
If you catch him doing something wrong then driver's training is prolonged. If after he gets his license....................guess what? The parent has the right to revoke it for as long as she feels necessary until he is more responsible.
That really hit home for my son.
We also had a long talk after we both calmed down about tough decisions that need to be made growing up, the disappointment that I felt, and that some decisions can effect your life forever.
Another great idea is to take him to a hospital and view and work with seriously ill lung cancer patients.Just hearing those machines and seeing how hard it is for them to breathe is usually an eye opening experience. I also saw web sites with mouth cancer pictures.

Answer 8

Coming from a teenager, the fact that he went up to you and told you that he is smoking probably means that he wants help stopping. Instead of punishing him more, try talking to him and finding out how to help him talk. Try not to make it too formal, just ask him if he wants you to help him stop and then work together to do so. All teenagers like to rebel, so don't take it personally. Just, make sure that the punishment fits the crime and make sure to maintain your threats or he won't take them seriously.

Answer 9

Play the "trust" card. Tell him you have no choice but to trust him to be a decent person. Explain to him that he is becoming an adult, and that his choices are his own, but so will the consequences be. Reinforce the fact that you love him, but you won't always be there to bail his butt out of trouble. The sooner he realizes that actions have consequences and that he ALONE will have to deal with those consequences, the sooner he will start making smarter choices. It's tough love. It's difficult to do and it rips your heart out, but sometimes you just have to stand your ground.

When he breaks your trust, show disappointment (I expected better from you) not anger. Deal with him as if he were an adult. Let him fall and pick himself up a few times.

Good luck.

Answer 10

If he is in drugs and if he were my son he would not get grounded for just a week but he would get it hard from me i mean im not sure if i could even allow that kind of person into my own house, so I would just call the police and let tham deal with him.