my mother who I havent seen in 12 years is coming to see me and she has lived with some rough people?

Question

she lived with a man who died with aids and a man who gave her genital herpies, she has lived with child molestors and men who beat her, I have kids so naturally Im concerned about them seeing her, I dont want to hurt her, but I dont feel comfortable with the situation... I do love her and I am trying to mend our relationship and she has been around my brothers kids a couple of times. I dont really want to hurt her and not bring my kids around her, because this may be the one and only chance they may get to meet her... Im really torn and uncomfortable about this but I would like my kids to get to know her... I dont know what to do, how do you handle this type of situation... My husband has hard feelings toward her but I love my mother despite our past and I would like to reconcile with her, and I think keeping them away from her would hurt her... what could I possibly do?

SHE IS COMING ALONE AND STAYING IN MY BROTHERS HOUSE.. so her current boyfriend wont be with her

she also says she has been tested for aids and the results were negative... but i still worry about putting my kids in that sort of situation

Answer 1

I understand your feelings toward your mother and the lifestyle she has chosen. It is nice that you are taking the chance to see her. Have you spoken with your brother about this? Does he have the same feelings as you do? It seems like you have the best position in all of this. Let the kids spend time with her and get to know her, with you around of course, until you are comfortable other wise. If you don't like the new boyfriend, you are an adult looking out for your kids safety and if you chose to not allow your kids to be around the boyfriend, that is your right and she should respect that. If things are not going good you have the option of leaving since she is staying with your brother, just go home if you feel too uncomfortable. Start by letting the kids talk to her on the phone if they are old enough. Talk to your husband about how important it is for you to spend time with your mother and for her to know your children, ask that he understand that. You might also ask him to be there for you, not only for your support but for your safety as well. This will be an emotional and stressful time for you and because he does have hard feelings and loves you, he will be able to keep your well being in mind. Offer him a way out as well, if for any reason he feels that things aren't going great or that it is affecting you adversely that he get you out of the situation. In the moment of the stress and emotion, you may not notice if things are not going so well. Just remember that no matter what happens, she's your mom, maybe her life has been hard but those were choices she made, you don't have to make the same ones. She is an adult and you have to lie in the bed you make. Your main responsibility is for your family, not hers.

Answer 2

AIDS is not the only thing you have to worry about here... you have influence on your kids (things she may talk about or do around them), not to mention other disease like Hepatitis, Herpes (not just spread genitally), also what about the fact that your mom may have problems w/ child abuse (not excluding sexual) you never know what a person you have not seen in 12 years can become. I used to work in a home for battered and abused women, also there we had recovering drug addicts, and recovering addicts that had many different kinds of addictions. I have known many women that have had life patterns like your moms and you have to be careful!!! They know how to get what they want, they are manipulative, they lie and they can be VERY DANGEROUS!! Just be careful, trust your instincts and NEVER EVER LEAVE YOUR CHILDREN ALONE WITH HER ( not even for a second to walk in the other room), The most important thing here is your family, not hurting your mom, she knows that she has done damage but it is not your responsibility "to make sure her feelings don't get hurt" . I hope that your mom really has changed, because I believe people can, but if she has to leave her "boyfriend" at home, maybe she still has a few more things to work on.

Answer 3

I understnd how uncomfortable this type of situation can be, but i doubt that she would do anything to purposefully put your children in danger.
If your concerned about whether your mum is lying about her test results ask her if you can see the paperwork or if you can go with her to see her doctor.
From all you have written it seems as though your mum has had a hard life and has been hurt in more ways than one.
Don't punish her for her bad choices. As long as she comes and sees your children by herself and your present (and possibly other family members) then i think it should be fine.
Its good to know that you still love your mother dispite her mistakes.
I know i probably havnt been to helpful but all anyone can do is offer support.
I hope everything goes well with you!

Answer 4

I would set of times or dates to meet her without the children if possible at first. I think the 2 of you have a lot to talk about before introducing your children to the situation. I think you would be more comfortable if you address these concerns with her before bringing the children around. I think she would understand if you were open and honest about your concerns. Did your brother have any issues with her and his children? That experience may be something to base your decision on.

Answer 5

Take one step atta time. Dont try to put 12 years into one visit.
Perhaps you should meet and spend some time with her yourself first, before you put your children thru an unfamiliar situation. A few visits, may give you some insight as to WHO she really is, and where to go from there.

Answer 6

You're right not to trust her around your children. Your husband is right to be suspicious.

Don't leave her unsupervised with your children. God knows what she'll say to them or give them as grandmotherly advice.

Spend as much time as possible alone with her to see if you can mend the mother-daughter relationship --and-- be willing in advance to cut her loose or drive her to the airport if she act outrageously or makes a scene.

Answer 7

What a mess. You need to have a relationship with your mom. Messed up as she is, she is your mom. You need to treat her like the child she is. Try to understand how she would have preferred to have a life where she could love you deeply and perfectly.

Answer 8

FIRST OF ALL I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU. NOW AS FOR THE SITUATION WITH YOUR MOTHER,I THINK IT WOULD BE BEST IF YOU LET YOUR KIDS SEE THERE GRANDMOTHER I DON,T THINK THAT SHE WOULD TRY TO GIVE THEM ANY KIND OF DISEASE. BUT IT IS ESPECIALLY IMPORTANT TO SEE YOUR MOTHER REASON BEING: SHE MAY WANT TO TELL YOU WHY SHE WASN,T THERE FOR YOU AS A CHILD,SHE PROBABLY MAY BE CLOSE TO DYING AND WANT TO TELL YOU HOW MUCH SHE LOVES YOU,OR IT COULD SIMPLY BE TO RIGHT ALL THE WRONGS IN HER LIFE. SO WHEN YOU SEE HER TRY TO PUT YOURSELF IN HER SHOES AND WELCOME HER WITH OPEN ARMS. LAST BUT NOT LEAST GIVE YOUR MOTHER HER ROSES WHILE SHE CAN SMELL THEM KNOW THAT NO ONE IS PROMISED TOMORROW.