what is the best joke you have any kind welcome or riddles?

Answer 1

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself 'She'll never go for me carrying on like that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, 'Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.

He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, 'Surprise!'

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Answer 2

Santa, a smart blonde and a pregnant lady get on a lift. They all notice a $20 bill lying on the floor. Who picks it up? The pregnant lady of course, as the other two don't exist.

Another one is, a really good magician is working on a cruise ship, and one night in front of a hundred people a parrot comes on the stage and croaks out "he's hiding it in his sleeve !" the angry magician quickly shooes the parrot off the stage. The next night the same thing happens, in the middle of his show, the same parrot flies onto the stage and croaks out, " he's hiding it in his pocket !" Again the angry magician shooes the parrot off the stage. On the third night when the parrot flies on the stage it doesn't have a chance to speak as the cruise ship itself is wrecked at sea. The magician saves himself by holding onto a piece of wood, and by chance the parrot flies onto the other end, and for three days the magician and parrot stare at each other, neither speaking to the other, until finally the parrot breaks the silence and says " I give up, what did you do with the ship ?"

Answer 3

~~ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 1265-
CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused when On the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the Driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the Man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said: "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign That said: "Logan's Liniment will
reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then She placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"...I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"~~

Answer 4

A mother was washing dishes when she looked outside and the window and saw her son sitting on a curb in front of the house. She watched him as he threw some M&M's in his mouth, picked up his cat and BIT it, and moved a little bit down the curb. She thought to herself 'well as long as it is keeping him busy..' so she went back to her dishes. While she was drying the dishes she looked out of the window and saw him throw some more M&M's in his mouth, bite the cat again and move down the curb a little more. Okay, she this time she thought she better go ask him what in the world he was doing... So, she went outside just as she saw her son di this again the same way as before! 'Bobby, WHAT are you doing' Bobby replied " I am playing truck driver, I'm poppin pills, eatin *****, and scootin on down the road!"

HAHAHA I thought that was the cutest joke I ever heard!

Answer 5

What goes up and never comes down?
Your age.

Knock, Knock...
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Arthur.
- Arthur who?
- Arthur any better jokes than this?

Why can't centipedes play soccor?
By the time the put on a shield for their last leg, the game is over

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Ya.
Ya who?
What are you so excited about?

1. What is the easiest way to throw a ball, have it stop, and completely reverse direction after traveling a short distance?
2. What is at the beginning of eternity, the end of time, the beginning of every end, and the end of every place?
3. When things go wrong, what can you always count on?
4. What is always behind you but you can never touch it?
5. I am never the first to speak but I am always the last to be heard. Who am I?
6. We were born of the same mother, on the same day, at the same hour and in the same year. Yet we are not twins. How do you explain this?
7. Two fathers and two sons were seated round a table. There were four apples on the table. Each of them took one apple and ate it entirely yet there was still one apple left on the table. How was this possible?
8. Before Mount Everest was discovered which was the highest mountain in the world?
9. Here everything is not always in order. For example, Friday comes before Thursday, the cart comes before the horse, the driver comes before the employer. Where are we?
10. When I am alive I stay put where I am. It is only when I am dead that I move about here and there. Who am I?
11. How can you be behind a person when that person is also behind you?

Answers below.
1. Throw the ball straight up
2. 'e'
3. Your fingers
4. The past
5. An echo.
6. They are triplets.
7. There were only three persons at the table comprising a grandfather, his son and his grandson.
8. Mount Everest, of course. It was always there!
9. In a dictionary.
10. A leaf.
11. Put yourself back to back of each other.

1. There are six eggs in the basket. Six people each take one egg. How can it be that one egg is left in the basket?

2. Acting on an anonymous phone call, the police raid a house to arrest a suspected MURDERER. They don't know what he looks like, but they know HIS name in John. Inside they find a carpenter, a lorry driver, a car mechanic, and a fireman all playing cards. Without even asking his name, they arrested the fireman. How do they know they've got their man?

3. Three of the glasses are filled with orange juice; the other three are empty. By moving only ONE glass, can you arrange them so the full and empty glass alternate?

4. There was once a recluse who never left his home. The only time anyone ever visited him was when the food and supplies were delivered, but they NEVER came inside. Then, one stormy winter night when an icy gale was blowing, he had a nervous breakdown. He went upstairs, turned off all the lights and went to bed. Next morning, he had caused deaths of several hundred people. HOW?

1. She takes the basket as well with the last egg still in it.

2. He is the only man - all the others are woman.

3. Take the second glass from the left, pour its contents into the fifth glass from the left then return it to it's original position.

4. He is a lighthouse keeper.

5.The mailman did it, because there is no mail on Sunday.

Tongue Twisters
If you understand, say "understand". If you don't understand, say "don't understand". But if you understand and say "don't understand".How do I understand that you understand? Understand!



I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.



Sounding by sound is a sound method of sounding sounds.



A sailor went to sea to see, what he could see. And all he could see was sea, sea, sea.



Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People



If two witches were watching two watches, which witch would watch which watch?



I thought a thought.But the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I thought. If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought, I wouldn't have thought so much.



Once a fellow met a fellow In a field of beans. Said a fellow to a fellow, "If a fellow asks a fellow, Can a fellow tell a fellow what a fellow means?"



Mr Inside went over to see Mr Outside. Mr Inside stood outside and called to MrOutside inside. Mr Outside answered Mr Inside from inside and Told Mr Inside to come inside. Mr Inside said "NO", and told Mr Outside to come outside. MrOutside and Mr Inside argued from inside and outside about going outside or coming inside. Finally, Mr Outside coaxed Mr Inside to come inside, then both Mr Outside and Mr Inside went outside to the riverside.



She sells sea shells on the sea shore, but the sea shells that she sells, on the sea shore are not the real ones.



The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.



If one doctor doctors another doctor does the doctor who doctors the doctor doctor the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring doctors? Or does the doctor doctor the way the doctor who doctors doctors? "When a doctor falls ill another doctor doctor's the doctor. Does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctor the doctor in his own way or does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctors the doctor in the doctor's way"



We surely shall see the sun shine shortly. Whether the weather be fine, Or whether the weather be not, Whether the weather be cold Or whether the weather be hot, We'll weather the weather Whatever the weather, Whether we like it or not. watch? Whether the weather is hot. Whether the weather is cold. Whether the weather is either or not. It is whether we like it or not.



Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.



A flea and a fly in a flue Said the fly "Oh what should we do" Said the flea" Let us fly Said the fly"Let us flee" So they flew through a flaw in the flue!



If you tell Tom to tell a tongue-twister his tongue will be twisted as tongue-twister twists tongues.



Mr. See owned a saw.And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw. Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw Before Soar saw See, Which made Soar sore.Had Soar seen See's saw before See sawed Soar's seesaw, See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw. So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.But it was sad to see Soar so sore just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw!



Hope that entertains you!

Answer 6

Q: What do you call a blonde standing on her head?
A: A brunette with bad breath.