How can I help her understand??

Question

I have a daugther (5yrs) her dad & I divirce when she was 9months but were separated since I was pregnant. He got married after a year w/ the one "changed me". The problem is ever since he got married he is hard to get or talk about his daugther. Before that visitation & our conversations were okay. He visit my baby constantly but after he got married he stop looking for her when i even call him 2 let him know our daugther was sick never answer, & i have always invited him & her 2 her b-day parties he had never gone. Since last year she memorized his cell so she can call him but usuallt he never answers & she lives messages. BUt i hate the way he is with her sometimes he say's he is gping 2 pick her up & never shows. I have always think his wife has something 2 do w/this. I'm not jelouse or nothing against her I'm happily married now & I only care for my daughter & her feelings. I don't want 4 her to be hurt over & over .What can I do??? so she can understand the situation...:)

Answer 1

What a hard situation. I remember when i was little and my dad would treat me like this, but he was a bit scary for me and I was always relieved when he didn't show. It sounds like your little girl really loves her daddy, though, and feels bad when he doesn't show.

Actually, that is where I am now with my step dad, but I am now almost 40. It still hurts just as much - of course now I am most bothered by the fact that he is not interested in his grandchildren. He blows us off constantly - forgets birthdays, etc.

I am trying hard to remember that his ignoring us does not mean that he doesn't love us, it is more a factor of that he is not able to at this point in his life. In both cases it seems that the father is so involved in himself and his own life that they either don't understand or care about the pain they cause these little children.

I guess my advice to convey this to a 5 year old is to help keep her mind off it and try to help her let the disappointment roll off her back. At this age the Daddy image is so important for the long term Man image that you want to be sure not to let her think men stink or that they will always disappoint.

What would be great is if her Step Dad could be there for her - could say "he didn't come? oh good, I get to have you all to myself" and they go out together to the movies or something. A way to literally show her that while some men will hurt you, others won't and while some don't seem to want to spend time with you, others can't wait. Even if not the step dad - any male figure in her life (uncle, grandfather, etc.)

Answer 2

Have you tried getting the other woman in his life to understand? Does she know you are married and have no intentions to make him come back to you by using the child? 70% of the problem would be solved that way.
You need to talk to your daughter severally. Don't poison her against her dad. Make excuses for him where possible and if after all that his responce is still negative then let her understand that the only daddy she has got is your present husband. Work on him to not only accept her but love her like his own. Go out together as a family, do things together..projects etc. She will find a large heart in him that would cause the pain she feels about her biological father to be pushed away.

Answer 3

That sure is a tough one! Maybe you can tell her that Daddy is real busy and he forgets to check his messages. When she mentions Daddy try to change her focus on something that makes her happy like reading a book, playing games, baking treats together, ect. I would say stop calling HIM, this may be giving her an expectation of hearing back from him or seeing him (as in the party invite). And it you must call, don't let her know. In her little mind she probably waits for the phone to ring and it be Daddy calling. If he doesn't call for her: then it will be HIS LOSS. Kids are only small once, if you miss them growing up there is no making up for it later. God gave the two of you a gift and you have treasured that gift. He obviously has not thought about this.
I am sure that You and your spouse give her all the love she needs and is lucky to have such a caring Mom. Good Luck to you and your gift of a daughter.

Answer 4

gurrll-grow bump him honey if he is not thinking about you what the hell u still trying to reach him for and if he doesnt want to talk to his child thats his sorry azz let it be if u are married u and your husband need to set and example for this child and not worry about the deadbeat hell your child can call use husband daddy if he is always there for her sh@t stop telling that child that your husband is not her daddy sh@t she'd never new if u didnt instill it in her head! how is it that when men ignore their ex's the ex's still try to make the man behave honey you cant do this let that man be you dont see him calling u every little fart yes u had a child by himso what when the child gets older hell 11-12 then talk to her and explain to her stop making her call him now you are putting this baby through stress at a young age just because you are -negative- let this baby be happy and explain this sh@at later when she understands more not now! hell my dad left my mom when I was 3 do you honestly think I give a damn no sweetie all that bs u cant raise kids alone is full of crap my mom raised 5 and we turned out pretty good hell u got married again my mom didnt give it a rest sweetie if and when he wants to talk to her he will if not so be it -- good grief he was a sperm donor leave him alone and focus on how to better your self with the husband u have u got a family enjoy

Answer 5

There really isn't anything that you can do. She will have to arrive at her own decision about her daddy, and it will be due to how he interacts with her. I had the same issue with my daughter, she was about 7, and asked me why her daddy didn't call or visit. I told her that he must just be really busy. She asked me if he even loved her, I told her that I was sure he did, but he just didn't know how to show it right now. Eventually she said she hated him, and didn't care to try to see or speak to him anymore. I left him many messages telling him what he was doing to her, but I never got a reply. At least he was informed of the situation though. What he did with that information was on him. She eventually got over trying so hard to contact him, and she got on with her life. I never told her that he didn't love her...but actions speak louder than words. Good luck. Just be the best mommy you can be to her, and hopefully your new husband will be able to fill the empty "father figure" shoes that your ex left behind.

Answer 6

I do feel for you. I was in the same situation and I found that him staying away from our son was not that he did not care for or love his child but that he was still angry with me and me with him, we finally left our feelings behind us along with the accusings and put our son upfront. He is married now as well and I use to believe it was her keeping him away. In reality she has been awesome with my son. It must be hard for another womans child to enter into your home and become first in your new husbands world. As adults we all need to act like it and put the child first. Get an active parenting plan in place through the court system. Have him stick to it. Document the fact that he is keeping to it OR NOT. After a year if there is no change, take it back to the courts or even ask your ex if he would be willing to sign away his rights so that your new husband can legally become her father. There are many options out there. Just always put her first.. I wish you luck. Lucky for me my sistuation has worked itself out for the best.

Answer 7

That is a heartwrenching story
Best Wishes for you and your daughter
I don't know what you should tell your Daughter
But try Confronting youe ex instead
Do you know where he lives? Maybe you should go over there saying how hurt your daughter is.
Try calling someone he is close too maybe they will deliver your message
or Maybe you can leave a message saying "Please listen to this Your Daughter is very upset that she never can see you anymore I don't know what to tell her. Can she atleast have an explanation?"
Tell him that even tho he's married to another person he still has resbonsibilities with your (and his child)
If that does'nt work I can see why your Divorced
Once again Best Wishes to you and your daughter

Answer 8

All you can do is be truthful with her because you can't make him be a good father. Let her know that sometimes daddy's and even mommy's aren't always good parents like they should be but that YOU will ALWAYS be there for her. Tell her even though her daddy might be a good man he does not know how to be a good daddy and sometimes that is how some daddy's are and it has nothing to do with her. Tell her she is a wonderful daughter and that any daddy and mommy would be proud to have her for a daughter and that it is her daddy who is missing out by not spending time with her. Keep reinforcing that and she will grow up and understand and have a close relationship with you.

Your Ex will be the one who is missing out and will one day regret his actions because you see what usually happens is that when men like him get older they start regretting not having a relationship with their children and often times become lonely old men just wishing they could get their children's attention. This is what happened to my ex. For a period of time he did the same thing to my 3 children when we divorced. Although he did successfully manage to develop a relationship with them when they got older he doesn't have the same quality of relationship I have with my kids because he missed out on important birthdays, on just hearing about their school experiences and what they did with friends, and important events in their lives - their first crushes, their first dates, etc. He wasn't there to help with homework or to soothe them when they were hurting.

My children and I are very close because they realize I was always there for them, through good times and bad, and I am still here for them now that all of them are grown and on their own. They see their father now and they spend time with him but they don't respect him and they don't have that same bond they have with me. And now HE is the one suffering because of that. I think he realizes now when I warned him years ago when the children were younger. I told him "You will regret not being there for them one day when you want them to pay attention to you." And now that truth has become reality.

Answer 9

protect your daughter. you dont have to bash him in front of her, but I would say he changed his number to stop the poor thing from being rejected yet again. I would also let him know that is he is going to be a half assed, quarter time parent, then he is not going to have a choice and will not be a parent at all until he changes things and proves himself. Every day is dissapointment for her. What crap to have to deal with. Spend a lot of time with her and keep her busy--you are the lucky one. Maybe try "he loves you, but just doesnt know it yet."? LUCKY YOU!!! YOU ARE BLESSED. SO-no more invitations, calls to his cell, no more chances to pick her up.what a loser.

Answer 10

Yeah... I'd say it has to do with insecurities his wife has. You need to (if possible) sit down with him and tell him that his daughter needs him, and if he isn't willing to grow up and be there for her like he should, you're going to end the realtionship because you can't stand seeing her hurt by him anymore. Tell him she's asking questions and that *he* needs to answer them- not you. It's not fair to her, and it puts you in the middle. You're remarried, so if she has a good father figure in her life, she won't be cheated. Sometimes, people are just sperm donors and human incubators.