How Do You Feel About Having Children?

Answer 1

I'm 38, a white female originally from the Deep South in the USA. I am upper middle class, a white-collar professional (first as a newspaper reporter in my 20s, now as a secondary teacher). And I'm childfree and have always been childfree ever since I can remember.

Marriage and children are not for everyone. No one says you have to get married or you have to have children, but there is ENORMOUS pressure to do both. I always knew, from childhood, deep in my gut and soul, that I did want to get married, and that I never wanted to have children. Why? As for marriage, I just did. As for kids, I just didn't. And that's as simple as that: either you just really want to, or you just really don't.

When I was in my 20s, I faced enormous, blithe, glib, unthinking pressure to have a kid or two, no matter what. I resisted this with every ounce of my being. I felt like I was being pushed into "following the script" and being forced to conform, be traditional and conventional -- and I knew that was not for me. Being married is as much as I'll conform, but I made sure my marriage, second time around, is one that is based on equality and open communication. I was married before in my 20s, but he was very traditional and conventional, and we did not get along.

I feel that by not having children, I've dodged a bullet and gotten away with something. I can see how some of my other women friends always wanted children, have them, and wouldn't give them up -- but their lives are MUCH harder and more complicated. I'm an introvert too, so I have to have hours of time alone and quiet, to myself, every single day. I don't do noise. I don't do chaos. I love working and being out in the world and dealing with people -- it keeps me more open to new ideas -- but after a while I have to retreat and center myself by being calm, quiet, silent, serene.

Of course I've gotten called "selfish" by unthinking people who can't be bothered to open their minds and take the time to understand my well-thought-out decision. I venture to say that all people who are childfree by choice have spent a LOT more time thinking about their unconventional choice than people do who want kids. By being childfree, we are off the beaten path, and there's not a lot of social support. THANK GOD for childfree email lists and Yahoo! groups! Talk about sanity savers for those times when unthinking people say "Oh, you'll change your mind" (NO, I WILL NOT, having known my own mind for THIRTY FREAKING YEARS!) or some such nonsense. Selfishness isn't all negative.

My thoughtful choice has frankly intimidated a lot of people; I am not sure why. I think a lot of people follow the script without thinking what they really want, and when children come, are sometimes overwhelmed by the responsibility. That Ann Landers poll, and many subsequent polls conducted independently over the years, indicate that around 70% of people, if they had to do it over again, would not have children.

My distrust and skepticism toward parenthood was always about the lies of omission that were constantly present. NO ONE EVER is allowed to say anything bad about being a parent. Society WILL NOT hear anything against the "sunshine miracle of motherhood". New mothers are NOT allowed to complain about sleep deprivation, colick, dealing with poo, pee, screaming, uncontrolled crying, because it's a BAYBEE, it's a MIRACLE, and everyone is supposed to be so HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY! Well nothing in life is constantly happy happy happy. There are good and bad sides to everything in life.

From childhood I picked up on this constant, defensive public relations campaign to present only the good side of mothering and parenthood and NEVER EVER the negatives of parenthood, and this made me question why people would feel the need to hide their real feelings about something so basic to most of human life. If people felt such a need to lie by omission, then maybe parenthood *wasn't* such the grand, wonderful, happy, joyful time it was made out to be.

Ultimately in this life you have to do what works for you. You cannot follow any path in life if it does not have heart for you. Marriage works for some people some of the time; it does not work for all people, everywhere, all the time. Our divorce statistics bear this out: 50% of all marriages in the US end in divorce. That we have foster care and orphanages and adoption also tells me that *parenthood* does not work out for people too. That we have ongoing, grim, dreadful statistics on child abuse, child neglect and child murder says that not all children are wanted and loved.

I am firmly convinced that if more people took a long, honest look at what they want for their own lives, and a long, honest, analytical look at the messages that society sends, then did what worked for them, society would be better off. This is what free will is all about. And ultimately this is why we need birth control and access to abortion. Maybe a woman wants to be a mother one day -- just not right now. Maybe a woman knows she wants to maximize her human potential, and has no aptitude or interest in parenting.

That said, this is why wee must have complete bodily autonomy, and we must be trusted implicitly with knowing what's right for us, for our bodies, our lives, and by extension, what's right for society as a whole. Fewer but more loved children in the world? A very good idea indeed. People pursuing their dreams and passions, able to make thoughtful, informed, decisions about marriage and parenthood, without coercion or manipulation? Great idea.

I come down firmly on the side of humanism and human potential. Everyone must decide for himself or herself if he or she is to follow the well-trod, conventional, traditional path of marriage and children, or step off that path and choose thoughtfully what works. The more people who are educated, thoughtful and well-read, the more real citizens we will have in the world, instead of programmed, docile, manipulated worker drones.

So you see, the idea of children is personal and political. My choice influences society directly, because, in Marxian terms, the workers own the means of production. But everyone ultimately must decide how they feel, and talk about this openly with their partners and spouses. Having children or not is a deal-breaker, it is something that absolutely must be agreed on for a relationship to work.

Thanks for the question. Cheers, Katie (teacher, traveler, wanderer, thinker, reader, humanist, feminist, human and civil rights supporter)

P. S. Notice the answers above mine. There's quite a bit of romanticism and idealism going on, but you also got lucky and got quite a few people telling the truth to you, too. People who said they loved their kids but it wasn't all easy -- that sounds real to me. The 20somethings sound so idealistic to me; parenting is a young person's game when they don't know any better and have the energy!

I'm convinced that most people who want kids want *babies*. A lot of people don't stop to think that they actually grow up into moody teenagers. There are also people who are great with infants, some who are great with toddlers, some who are great with teens (that'd be me; I teach junior high school, and thoroughly enjoy it but younger kids mystify me). There are very few people in the world who are True Parents, that is, who are capable and competent to deal with every stage of a developing child's life. I knew in my heart of hearts that I was not parent material; I had never liked or understood babies or toddlers or young children, and that interest and passion had never bloomed. I grew in other ways. I have a longtime friend who is a natural mother, a True Parent, who just KNOWS how to deal with all kids of all ages, and my hat is off to her. Again, bottom line: do what works for you; don't mindlessly follow the crowd. Society does not have your individual best interests in mind; that's up to you as the individual! Do what works for you.

Answer 2

Well I personally don't want to have children. I like children. I just don't want to have any. I think it's fine to have children for those who want them and can take care of them. Children are a gift from God and as long as you're able and willing to love and care for the child and provide all of the child's needs then there's nothing wrong with having children.

Answer 3

Having children is a beautiful experience if you are having the child of the man that you love and that man is loving you. The feeling if knowing that you and that special someone are sharing the love you both feel inside of you and that baby represents a little of both you for all the love you share is incredible. To see how that little flat belly, turns into such a big one, to feel the movements of this baby inside your stomach, kicking and letting you know that he/she is in you., is beautiful...

Answer 4

I am hoping to have between 4-6 but the only thing stopping me is actually getting pregnant. The process is really fun to so perhaps I'll hvae more but I came from a big family and I would like to have a big family.

Answer 5

Ew. I don't want to and I'm not going to. Pregnancy literally disgusts me- I would never let some parasitic clump of cells invade my uterus for nine months, only for the "joy" of 24 hours of labor. I don't like kids, either- I don't hate them, exactly, but I'm never comfortable around them and I can't stand loud noises. I don't want to have children. Period.

I guess I'm different than a lot of women... but, you know, I'd rather be "weird" than unhappy. :)

Answer 6

Children totally change your life so you shouldn't have any until you are mature enough to handle the responsibility. I have 2 children and they are the joy in my life and the headache also...but I wouldn't have it any other way!!!

Answer 7

I had four children and enjoyed them immensely. I guess I'm in favor of having children but only when you're ready.

Answer 8

i am 21 and i had my son when i was 20 he is the love of my life children are a blessing and change your life more than you could ever imagine

Answer 9

My wife and I have been married for 33 years and were unable to have children.
It is a great disappointment to both of us that we never had any.
Having children is a great responsibility but it is also one of the greatest blessings of God.

Answer 10

I love children..I have two and want to have another. They are the center of my universe..

Answer 11

Children are the most rewarding experience in life. They are also the most responsibility you will ever have, also.