How do you grieve the loss of someone who sits across the table from you and sleeps beside you every night?

Question

I love my husband, but because of his illness and depression, our relationship is platonic. Not my idea, he's just overwhelmed. The doctors say there is no physical limitation. He's seen two counselors who think he's making progress. Once every year or so, doesn't seem like progress to me.

I won't be unfaithful, but I am lonely. And I honestly don't know what to do about that.

How do you decrease or redirect that drive?

I really hate feeling like this, and I have no idea what to do.

The marriage I hoped for is no longer a possibility. How do I grieve it and move on with my husband without dying inside?

How can you make yourself honestly okay with something you would never choose?

I find myself just shutting down, and I don't want to do that. But when I'm open and vulnerable I end up angry with him and I cry a lot. I know that just makes him feel guilty on top of his depression, and I hate that. What makes the loneliness go away?

He has type II diabetes, and we have it under control. His doctors are amazed. It's just the idea of having a disease that has him freaked out. He seems to have internalized it.

Our relationship is really good in other ways, he's just really shut down sexually.

He's not on anti-depressants. I don't think he's telling the doctors how depressed he really is, because that would be one more diagnosis and I don't think he wants to take anti-depressants.

He has a full time job, hobbies, etc. I have volunteer work and I'm going back to college. I just miss him. I miss that part of our relationship. Not just the sex, but the intimacy.

This has been going on for 6 years. I've tried to take the lead, I am supportive of him and his therapy - both nutritional for his diabetes and emotionally I'm there for him. I just don't seem to be able to compete with his fear.

Is there something herbal that suppresses sex drive without other side effects?

Answer 1

This is a very complicated situation, and there are many aspects of it that need to be addressed.
Go to your own personal family doctor first. If this is caused by depression it needs to be treated; but you cannot forfeit your life if the adjustment that is being expected of you has not been successful after this length of time.
You're right, it doesn't sound like he is getting better, or that he is telling them everything. When he goes to the doctor, you should go too, and voice your concerns about him.

Answer 2

I am so very sorry that you are in this position, my heart bleeds for you.I know what it feels like,I've been there but there are ways of dealing with it. I am an alternative medicinal therapist and an ex nurse. The doctors are wrong, Diabetes can cause a lack of sex drive and there are herbal medicines that can help, orthodox medications are rubbish, they can make things far worse, i can help him with this but all you are doing is making yourself ill.I know, I lost 3 stone in weight because of the stress I had. Nothing and no one is worth the cost of your health. You can ask him to talk to me. Sometimes a complete stranger whom he has never met can sometimes help. I know you are dying inside and it's the worst feeling in the world but don't give up yet.. I think he's not just affraid but he's also wrapped up in self pity, he's a man, they are not like us. .He can also take a herbal medicine for depression it's called St Johns Wort it does not have any side effects and takes a few weeks to get into the system. As for you wanting a supressant, it doesn't matter what you take, your brain will over-ride it, It won't work. However, i will do some research for you and will get back to you. I am always here if you just need someone to talk to. I take it that he is not 'playing around' and maybe he's using the excuse for his behaviour because of his illness,it's just a thought. I will help you all I can. E mail me, and give me your full e mail adress.
Remember, a man's erection and libido are affected by this complaint, an errection is obtained by 'blood' being forced into the spaces in the penis and any medical problem can affect this.It's a vicious circle, you more you worry about the problem the worst it gets. The trick is to take the 'it doesn't matter darling, stop worrying about it, I'm not' attitude. The more you let it show that it bothers you, the worst he will feel' trust me, I've been there. You can have a cuddle and kiss but that's it. Let things die down for a while.
Contact me.
Gloria(.BSYA)

[e-mail]

Answer 3

For you sweetheart, there is less work to do. If he is depressed, there is no way that he is going to think of good things for him. Try to lure him to bed. If it does not work, make him admit the fact. He is depressed and he should see a doctor about it. Anti-depressants are not so good but there are other therapies. The rest is up to him. He must be psychologicaly ready to have intimacy. If he has another girl, that could be the explanation as well.

Answer 4

Your husband needs to be tested for low thyroid. He needs to have all blood tests for T3 and T4. Low thyroid causes loss of sex drive and depression. Does he have fatigue? Digestive problems? Headaches? Irritability? It is often over looked in men. Seriously check this out, it could be the answer for you both!!!

Answer 5

I agree with leadbelly.

I was in a similar situation.

Diabetes can have sexual side effects but not 6 years of abstinence.

Aside from medical councelling, you should also seek the advice of a trained therapist specializing in marital problems.

Answer 6

I tried to distance myself from your grief and concentrate on what you wrote.
Two things stuck in my mind.
One that your husband hasn't wanted sex with you for six years, the other that you are seeking a way to safely eliminate your own desire.
Could it possibly be that his "illness" is not the problem but the excuse?
Are you forcing yourself to remain in a loveless marriage?

Answer 7

I was in a similiar situation a few years ago. I don't really have a solution for you. I just wanted to wish you good luck. I hope you and your husband work things out.

Answer 8

That is a hard one. But day after day, night after night, you will get to a point, when enough is enough. It hurts now, during and after. But only you know what you should do. It's in your heart.