I love my husband, but because of his illness and depression, our relationship is platonic. Not my idea, he's just overwhelmed. The doctors say there is no physical limitation. He's seen two counselors who think he's making progress. Once every year or so, doesn't seem like progress to me.
I won't be unfaithful, but I am lonely. And I honestly don't know what to do about that.
How do you decrease or redirect that drive?
I really hate feeling like this, and I have no idea what to do.
The marriage I hoped for is no longer a possibility. How do I grieve it and move on with my husband without dying inside?
How can you make yourself honestly okay with something you would never choose?
I find myself just shutting down, and I don't want to do that. But when I'm open and vulnerable I end up angry with him and I cry a lot. I know that just makes him feel guilty on top of his depression, and I hate that.
What makes the loneliness go away?
2006-06-09 20:13:47 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous in Social Science ➔ Psychology
He has type II diabetes, and we have it under control. His doctors are amazed. It's just the idea of having a disease that has him freaked out. He seems to have internalized it.
Our relationship is really good in other ways, he's just really shut down sexually.
He's not on anti-depressants. I don't think he's telling the doctors how depressed he really is, because that would be one more diagnosis and I don't think he wants to take anti-depressants.
He has a full time job, hobbies, etc. I have volunteer work and I'm going back to college. I just miss him. I miss that part of our relationship. Not just the sex, but the intimacy.
This has been going on for 6 years. I've tried to take the lead, I am supportive of him and his therapy - both nutritional for his diabetes and emotionally I'm there for him. I just don't seem to be able to compete with his fear.
2006-06-09 20:14:00 · update #1
There is no easy answer to this one that comes to mind other than to share some of my own personal experience. I can relate to his desire to internalize the emotions and feelings and all that comes along with his diagnosis. Perhaps he is trying to protect you in some way? Maybe he is the one feeling guilty? In his mind, maybe he feels broken and inadequate or because of his illness, like he has become a failure to you in his mind and believes he will not be able to live up to his end of the spectrum for all of the expectations you once shared for your relationship. I am bipolar, I have such a difficult time with this aspect of my illness.. I intenalize it all... to protect those around me from my potential to hurt them on some kind of invisible emoptional level .. At times I feel I am cursed with a broken mind and uncontrollable emotions.
Nobody understands this part of the equation.
My idea for you would be to take him to a place that you have been in your past that holds some kind of special private meaning and just talk through it all.. reassure him that he is the man you love and that nothing will change that .. he is hurting too.. just in a different way. Let him know you accept his disability and that it doesn't change a damn thing.. it will just take some getting used to.. like a first child, or a new job schedule? thats all it is.. a new unknown.. educate yourselves of the illness until you know as much as the webpages you are reading...
I believe his love and affection will return in proportion to his acceptance of the realities of the situation.
Be strong and don't give up on him.. even though you feel he may have already given up on himself..
As for yourself and how to cope.. other than talking it out with him and educating yourself,
I don't know what might help you. A support group, if they exist?
I think posting your question here is a support group of sorts..
I wish you the best of luck with this one.
2006-06-09 21:01:34 · answer #1 · answered by lost_but_not_hopeless 5 · 1⤊ 3⤋
I really feel for what you're going through and you've gotten a couple good answers. I might also suggest marriage counseling. Another possibility is trying to have fun together again in a nonsexual way. Is there something you used to like to do together- go for walks, short trips something of that nature?
Diabetes does effect a man sexually making it more difficult for him to get an erection. With all the other challenges facing the diabetic body somehow the system decides that sex isn't a high priority. Your husband may be afraid of disappointing you.
2006-06-10 04:32:17 · answer #2 · answered by peggy j 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Communication is the key to every relationship. Tell your husband how you feel and get him to get the help he needs with his depression.
With proper medication, your lives can be repaired very quickly. If he insists that his arrogance or ignorance is more important than your relationship, then he has made his choice. You cannot do this alone because this is a relationship problem.
If you really want to stun him about your inadequate sex life, get a mechanical vibrator and go into the bathroom while he is awake and use it. This is rude and crude, but it does get the point across. Do not allow his selfishness to ruin your life.
2006-06-10 18:24:14 · answer #3 · answered by Richard 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
The only thing I could say is to end the marriage, mean as that might sound, it is for, (your) sanity! I went through about the same thing for 5 years and to save (me), we decided to end it; it really was the best decision we could have made. He is happier living single and I am so much happier, I feel re-born! You've got to think, that life is so short, wasting years being unhappy, doesn't make sense! Remember, if you are worse off being apart, you can ALWAYS be together again!
2006-06-10 18:27:05 · answer #4 · answered by ? 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You caaan love him but wwiithout compassion,love and intimacy,,, it iss total lonliness. Asssk yourself how loneely do you want to be? I think your love haas been replaced with sympaathy for him.
you deserve haappiness. One day someone elsee may make you feel good about yyourself and show you compassion and make you feel sexy and beauttfful....then you will know what to do
2006-06-10 03:22:28 · answer #5 · answered by rose w 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋