comment on my poem?

Question

FREE FALL TO FREEDOM
Anxiety gnaws on my mind,
Like a dog on a bone.
MY brain fully engaged in introspection,
Unheeding of the winding road i drive on.
The sun is shining,
But to my jaded eyes
there is a curtain of clouds permanently shrouding the light,
Drowning my world in darkness.
The sheer weight of my lost years weighs heavily upon my soul
like a cage I can never break free from.
My depressing past overshadows my gloomy future,
Colouring my bright dreams in dreary shades of grey.
I rationalize my existence, telling myself that I am not alone,
But I know in my heart of hearts I stand alone
Against the demons of my dark imagination.
No more.
I long to lash out.
To break free.
To rid myself of my nightmares that feed upon my blackened heart.
With a savage jerk I spin the wheel,
Forcing my coffin of metal past the guard rails.
Hear them screech in protest,
Trying to preserve my pathetic existence.
I suddenly plunge over the precipice, feel myself become as light as a feather.
A sense of euphoria engulfs all my senses.
I shake off my shackles of shame.
I am free.

Answer 1

The angst and regret are well felt with forthright prose, yet poetically read. "My brain fully engaged in introspection, unheeding of the winding road I drive on" sets the stage for that sudden, blinding decision to simply spin the wheel and end it made me smile ironically. For there was a time for me (about 11 years ago) when "Free Fall to Freedom" could've been my personal anthem as I drove throughout Los Angeles totally engulfed in personal pain and depression, thinking, "Just jerk the wheel and it'll all be over." Free Fall to Freedom has so many outstanding phrases that it's difficult to dissect them all in this short form. "My depressing past overshadows my gloomy future"--very good. "Forcing my coffin of metal...hear them screech...preserve my pathetic existence"--impressive. And it ends on a good note (in my opinion). My husband also gave it a thumb's up. Good work. Keep me posted! A.V.

Answer 2

Dark and beautiful. This is my favorite of your poems so far.

I love the lines "Forcing my coffin of metal past the guard rails.
Hear them screech in protest,
Trying to preserve my pathetic existence."
These are some of your best.

Two suggestions for improvement:
1. Avoid cliches (dog gnawing on a bone, light as a feather). Come up with something creative. Make it your own. I'd try to use similes/metaphors related to cars, since you are writing about driving off a cliff. For the first one, for example, you could say, "Anxiety grinds on my mind
Like a set of worn-out brake pads."
Similarly, jaded eyes could use a metaphor about headlights, and so on.

2. Work on some of your phrasing. For the most part, it's good. Some things can be better. You use the active voice quite a bit, which is great. One spot that could be improved by changing from passive to active voice:
"The sun is shining,
But to my jaded eyes
there is a curtain of clouds permanently shrouding the light,"
to
"The sun shines,
But a curtain of clouds permanently shrouds the light
From my jaded eyes."

Answer 3

hi
I like your poem a lot but I don't like this line like dog on the bone you can use these words like night on the day or clouds on the sky . my english is not so goog but I hope u understand what I mean . All the best
iwould like more if the is new life . please write one more on this topic

Answer 4

great poem lyrics are absoulutely brilliant,a perfect poem with a perfect title. u sould try soe publisher to publish your poem i wish u a best of luck.ur poem was terrific
.

Answer 5

wow...gr8 fabulous...as anmol said u could publish this poem u hav a gr8 tallent...i appreciate it keep writing peoms like this....all the best!!!

Answer 6

Sorry, depressing and boring

Answer 7

Do you think you could squeeze one more cliche in?

Answer 8

I wish I could write like you...

Answer 9

IT sounds pretty good to me...get it up...
Clowmy

Answer 10

I really like it