I'm a married woman whose husband does'nt talk to me or with me. He's very secretive. Help, I feel lost

Question

He's emotionally unavailable. And there is alot of his past wrapped up in this

Answer 1

MA PACK YOUR BAGS.(ALL OF THEM BECAUSE YOUR NOT COMING BACK ) YOUR MAN IS HAVING AN AFFAIR.

Answer 2

People who are secretive have something to hide. My guess is that he is cheating or at the very least thinking about it. Being emotionally unavailable is also another sign that he may be cheating. When people cheat on a spouse they try to justify this to themselves by creating a problem in the relationship. I say check up on him. Check his cell phone records, really look at calls made to the same number that you do not know. Look at the times and the days that these calls are taking place. Ask him if you can use his cell phone for the day (make an excuse why you can't use yours) if he hands it over without hesitation there's a good chance he's not cheating but if he refuses or needs to mess with it first then that's a good indication that he's cheating. Check after him on the computer, if you are not sure how to do that just do a web search or ask a friend. If you can afford one hire a private detective. You pay on an hourly rate so you pick the times and dates that you want him followed. Does he sleep in the bed with you at night (all night) or does he claims he can't sleep and either come to bed late or get up in the middle of the night. I could go on and on ... bottom line is - check up on him

Answer 3

Often times when a man becomes "emotionally unavailable" to his wife, his own emotions are drowning him and he would be completely overwhelmed if he had to deal with yours and his at the same time. My husband went through that same thing just 7 years ago. I would imagine that what you're feeling is the need to share what he's feeling with him. You used the word "secretive." I wonder if it's more that he has no clue where to begin.

Be kind, gentle, loving, and compassionate. fight the urge to nag. Since you obviously are aware of some "past baggage" he's still carrying on his back, then maybe you can keep being his helpmate, his confident, and just be around him--don't even try to talk to him---You don't have to talk....touch his hand at the table, brush back his hair, touch his face and just look into his eyes. Words are sometimes so painful that sometimes it feels as if you will burst into flames if you start speaking them.

There will be a time when he will be able to talk with you. But as wives who love their husbands, who hurt when they hurt, who talk more in prayer than with each other during these times----just keep going. Don't give up. This too shall pass.

My husband was answering a question in our Sunday School class soon after his "spell." The question was, "Do you have a wife that believes in prayer?" My husband started to get teary-eyed; he bowed his head and said, "My wife prayed me back to sanity and she told me how much she loved me without a word."

We are one with our husbands....we are not two people. You are both in my prayers.

Answer 4

So you knew this going in that he was a bit secretive?

I'm in love with a gorgeous man who seems to have it together. But when it comes to love, he believes he isn't really lovable, and has been hurt in the past, and inadvertently makes the person who loves him at the time go through some unneeded and unnecessary mind games.

Until he changes that major thing about him and his attitude towards real love, he will remain alone. I will not let myself be with him because I have more respect for myself than that and life is too short to turn myself inside out for him, hoping and hoping that my love or mere presence will somehow "change" him. That's Hollywood movie, not real life.

HE has to change. Now back to your situation. You went in with open eyes, this is how he's always been, you never pressed or went to find out about his past and you married him anyway. I suggest you ask him what is going on because your marriage is on the rocks if he can't confide in you. You are partners together in this marriage and he has to realize that hiding things from you is a form of disrespect that you would never ever do to him. You would appreciate him opening up and you promise to keep an open mind and not judge him, but hear him out. And then sit there and be there and really be in the moment and LISTEN to what he has to say. If he tells you he can't talk or doesn't feel comfortable, tell him that you share a bed and a life together and the days of shyness are over.

If he can't come clean, be prepared to walk. And tell him that. The marriage is over if he can't come clean. you can no longer live in the dark. Everything must come to light now. And be prepared to walk, my dear. Empty threats or ultimatiums you won't follow through on or be talked out of will just make things worse.

You can both get professional counseling. I would suggest separate sessions for you too -- ask yourself why you would allow yourself to enter a marriage that is not based on emotional intimacy and trust.

Answer 5

Have you expressed to him how you feel. Tell him that you feel shut out. That you need more emotional attention. If he doesn't know, he can't correct the problem. If he's secretive, tell him. Tell him that being secretive makes you suspicious of him and you don't like that. Also you have to remember that a spouse is not all things to us. What I mean by this is, you also need friends whom you get emotional support from not only your spouse. He should not be solely responsible for your emotional well being. Talk to your mother, sister, friends at work, cousin, or us people on the Internet. Besides men are raised to be emotionally detached here in America, partially its not his fault but he needs to make an effort.

Answer 6

Let him know that you are there for him and that when he is ready to talk that you are ready to listen. Give him some more time and try to be understanding. At least for a certain amount of time. It cant be forever but set a time table that you think is fair. And if he is still quiet, you have to get the ball rolling. Hope for the best and expect the worst. Maybe it isn't another woman but try to prepare yourself just in case it is. Wish I had more for you and I am sorry you are experiencing this. I don't like silence either.

Answer 7

YOU HAD TO KNOW HOW HE WAS BEFORE YOU MARRIED HIM AND YET YOU STILL MARRIED HIM. WHY? WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T GIVE YOU THE TIME OF DAY. BE WITH SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T TALK TO YOU AND IS SECRETIVE? WHAT KIND OF LIFE IS THAT? IT SUCKS.

ONE OF TWO THINGS, STAY AND HOPE HE'LL CHANGE.

OR GET THE HELL OUT AND FIND HAPPINESS ELSEWHERE! SIMPLY AS THAT.

PEOPLE WILL SAY IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE, HELL YES IT IS. IF I'M NOT HAPPY IN A RELATIONSHIP WHY THE HELL SHOULD I STAY? WHY SHOULD I WASTE MY TIME, WASTE MY LIFE? LIFE IS TOO SHORT AND TOO DAMN PRECIOUS TO HOPE HE'LL CHANGE.

DO SOMETHING! DON'T LEAVE IT ALL ON HIM, HE'S EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE. TELL HIM, MAKE HIM TALK OR YOU WALK. GIVE HIM A CHOICE, DON'T THREATEN HIM, JUST LET HIM KNOW YOU CAN NO LONGER LIVE LIKE THIS.

Answer 8

If he's not there for you emotionally you will feel lost. Communication is one of the basic principle that a marriage needs. If you do not get that from him, you have a choice to stay and try talking to him about the way you feel. If that doesn't work, it is up to you to stay in the marriage or divorce him. You guys need to really connect emotionally or all else will fail!

Answer 9

I've been through and am still going through the talking thing. Men do not talk to women, they do not know how too. Yes! a-lot of it is because of past issues, I personally call a very close (not and never will be sexually involved) male friend of mine, and he explains to me how men cannot talk to women, they actually do not know how to put the words into sentences so that we can understand them. They know what they want to say, just not how to say it. That is a very BIG difference in males from females. We as females, have the gift to gab.

Answer 10

If so many things he wrapped up and kept it by secret from you. You have to be aware. Nothing good being secretive. must be something bad behind it that he think better for you to unknow.
Ask him or find way to make him open to you. but if he still don't want to be open. Means that he is a cheater. No good reason but this can makes him in silence.

Answer 11

Either
1. he has something to hide.
2. he doesn't like to share.
3. he doesn't trust you with the everything he's thinking.
I can relate to number three. I disclosed a couple of my fetishes to my wife. She was judgmental and made me regret telling her, so I keep a lot of secrets these days (including what I do on-line).

All you can do is accept every aspect of him. Never judge him harshly or use what he reveals against him. The rest is up to him.